Why Couples Fail After an Affair | Part 1 - Not Knowing What Happened
Part 1: Not Knowing What Happened
Part 2: Not Getting It
Part 3: Denying Your Reality
Part 4: Failure to Grieve
How to Practically Obliterate Any Opportunity for Restoration
When a spouse is kept in the dark regarding the details of their spouse's affair, it's similar to feeling trapped in darkness, trying to find their way out. People naturally try to understand the events of their life. Until we are able to make sense of these events, a part of us continues trying to solve the mystery. If a spouse withholds information regarding their secret life, how long do you think someone who's been devastated by betrayal will spend trying to find the answer to their questions?
Solving this mystery is a key factor for success in re-establishing trust and surviving infidelity.
Without understanding what has happened, there is no way for the betrayed spouse to assess the level of damage and the probability of future success. Until the unfaithful spouse extends trust to their mate by sharing what happened, it is difficult for the betrayed spouse to rebuild trust. People are more than capable of getting over a betrayal, but continued deception leaves no path for trust and obliterates the opportunity for restoration.
Consider joining Hope for Healing where you'll find community for isolation and healing for shame —and that's just the beginning.
Learn More | Hope For Healing!A Coherent Story: How To Calm Emotional 'Flooding'
A substantial difficulty for couples recovering from infidelity is the emotional flooding created by the trauma after an affair. Infidelity creates a pain like no other, and difficulty regulating the ensuing emotions is not only common but to be expected. Emotional regulation and stability are created through what is called a coherent story. Up until the point where "what has happened" makes sense to the betrayed spouse, emotions run rampant, confusion rules the day, and the heart of the betrayed remains frayed. Understanding what happened provides a safe foundation on which they can eventually begin to rebuild. (Please keep in mind, this step in the process takes a significant amount of time and cannot be rushed). Empathy from the unfaithful spouse (which we'll address in a moment) is necessary to encourage healing.
To move forward, couples need to come to a common understanding of their history. Regardless of the type of infidelity (e.g., emotional affair, one-night stand, pornography addiction, etc.), the story of what has happened needs to make sense to both husband and wife. As I work with couples who are stuck, not knowing what happened seems to be the number one culprit.
I appreciate the work done by the late Peggy Vaughan in her e-book Help for Therapists (and their Clients).
She hypothesized: A couple is more likely to stay married after an affair when they thoroughly discuss the whole situation.
55% of those who discussed the situation very little were still married (living together).
78% of those who discussed the situation a good bit were still married (and living together).
86% of those who discussed the situation a lot were still married (and living together).
She concluded that the amount the affair was discussed with the betrayed partner was significantly associated with present marital status.
A second hypothesis stated: A couple is more likely to stay married when the unfaithful spouse answers the questions of the betrayed spouse.
59% of those whose partner refused to answer questions were still married (and living together).
81% of those whose partner answered some of their questions were still married (and living together).
86% of those whose partners answered all their questions were still married (and living together).
She concluded that the extent to which the partner answered questions was significantly associated with present marital status. Understanding what occurred allows both parties to rally around solutions.
Combating Self-Deception
Not only does the hurt spouse have a need to know what happened, that need is just as great for those who were unfaithful. Speaking from personal experience, I can attest to the benefit I received from discussing the events of my infidelity. There is a strong tendency to be self-deceived when facing a side of ourselves that we'd rather keep in the dark. When we feel shame, we betray ourselves as well as others. Exposing what has happened has a unique way of providing clarity, not only for one's mate but also for those of us who've been unfaithful.
After my affair ended, I was not capable of thinking clearly and, consequently, I made many poor decisions. It wasn't just my mate discovering what happened; I also began to understand things I had not seen. Though it is a process, it was a necessary step in my own safety and healing journey.
When Is Enough Detail, Enough Detail?
At the same time, knowing what happened isn't the same as knowing every detail about everything that happened. Too much detail creates additional problems with intrusive thoughts. The betrayed partner might want to know what happened, where it happened, how often it happened, if there are potential health risks, and when it began and ended, and they have a right to this information. Questions comparing themselves to the affair partner, however, serve little or no benefit.
Comparison questions ultimately create intrusive thoughts and complicate the healing process. While it is enticing to ask these questions, too much information only creates more reminders and more triggers.
For those who want to help their mate feel safe and heal by sharing their story, here are some words of advice.
- Begin by asking your mate if he or she wants to know. If the answer is yes, then tell them the story. I find that carefully telling the story from beginning to end is the best way to relay the information. Far too often, the story is told piecemeal, i.e., drip-feeding or trickle-truth, as the betrayed partner asks questions and the unfaithful partner tries to answer. This, unfortunately, starts the clock over every time new information is brought to the surface.
- When you finish telling the story, please don't say, "That's everything." You're far better off realizing that you've told everything you remember at that moment, but there's always the possibility that other memories will come to mind and/or your mate may not have heard everything and will later be devastated if more information comes to light. Tell them that you're committed to honestly answering their questions and exploring what happened.
- Oftentimes, in the disclosure process, an unfaithful partner will resort to, "I don't remember," when the truth is that they may not want to share the information as they are convinced that if the betrayed knows the details, they are done and gone. Other times, they genuinely may not remember the information and may need time and even help to remember what transpired. However, "I don't remember," is not the best answer—even when it’s truthful. A better answer may be, "I don't remember the exact information right now, but I'm committed to getting the right help and the right process in place so that I can remember the details. I also commit to sharing any and all information I do remember as we get immediate help to start this healing process."
- Ask what author Esther Perel, MA, LMFT, calls Investigative Questions, especially if your mate says they can't remember. Not being able to remember certain answers won't prevent them from answering the questions below, and it will create the opportunity for the unfaithful spouse to share what they are feeling. You can read a full list of these questions here: Esther Perel's Investigative Questions for Couples Experiencing Infidelity. I've posted just a few below:
- What did the affair mean to you?
- Did you feel entitled to your affair?
- Why do you think you could not express your needs to me: emotional, intellectual or sexual?
- Did you ever get to a point where you felt you were losing yourself or felt torn and confused?
- Did you ever worry that your affair would destroy our relationship?
- What was it like for you to lie?
- Do you think I have a say in it?
- Did you want to leave me or was the affair just an addition to us?
A word of caution, the WHY will be much more difficult for both of you than the WHAT. Therefore, we've written a series called Why Did They Cheat?. As you are working through why the infidelity happened, it is important to remember the necessity of safety in the recovery process. For the betrayed party to feel safe, there must be signs of genuine empathy. Without truly working to understand the depth of your mate's pain, all attempts at reconnecting will appear hollow or self-serving.
Rebuilding trust after such a heavy blow will never be easy, but the good news is you don't have to have trust to rebuild a relationship. In the meantime, you can replace trust with a whole lot of honesty and a whole lot of empathy.
Unfaithful partners, these two gestures will go further than you may realize to soothe the deep soul-wound that infidelity has inflicted on your mate. If you are not sure where to start or how to develop empathy, please consider joining a group in Hope for Healing, our course for unfaithful partners. You'll be in a safe, encouraging atmosphere with a group leader and several other unfaithful partners who will walk the 17-week journey with you. There is hope for healing!
- Vaughan, Peggy. Help for Therapist and their Clients: Report of Survey on Extramarital Affairs. Dear Peggy. n.d. Web. 07 July 2014.
What type of affair was it?
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Comments
He doesn’t understand his own feelings
He doesn’t know why and always says I don’t know when asked why he is searching outside of relationships
That's not uncommon, Genesis.
In reply to He doesn’t understand his own feelings by Genesis A
That's not uncommon, Genesis. Getting to the 'why' behind unfaithful behaviors can take a lot of time and introspection on the part of the wayward mate. I had to make peace with not having the answer to that question. And truthfully, it was at least two years into recovery work before my spouse even understood it himself. The best I could do was pursue healing and recovery for myself, which I did. Harboring Hope was invaluable to me. It offered me so much insight and knowledge that my husband simply couldn't at the time. The chapter on the different types of affairs was especially eye opening. It's not easy to move forward with unanswered questions, but it is possible.
He doest understand what our marriage meant to me.
I believed in love.
I believed the highest thing we could achieve in life was the true bonding of love with another human.
I believed this takes work and perseverance and we dont get too many chances at getting it right.
I'm 64.
I invested my love, my loyalty, my respect and integrity into my 31 year marriage, my 35 year partnership with one man.
My husband was diagnosed with a rare disease 11 months ago and was given 6 - 12 months to live.
8 months ago I discovered he had been having an emotional affair for the last 20 years.
For the last 8 months he has been unwell and I am his carer. He is beating the odds and with chemo will likely live another year or more.
I quit my job to care for him on March 29th, I discovered the affair on April 1st.
He has, for these last precious 8 months, months that should have been spent healing, continued to lie to me or tell me bit of his truths which are extremely painful.
He has told me I was a placeholder until something better came along. He has in the past few weeks that he is sorry for my pain, but not for his actions. He has explained she was the love of his life, his best friend. He wrote her the most beautiful love letter.
This 20 year affair involved thousands of secret texts, emails, calls, lunches, gifts, notes... etc. He invited her to his comedy performances, she was even at his fathers funeral. All the while, I was there, supporting him, loving him. He broke it off with her mostly 11 months ago, but remained in contact until I found out.
How did I not know? Well, I was working, raising children, running a household, paying bills, cooking, cleaning... doing.
When I asked why he stopped seeing her, he said he was physically unable to continue.
Mixed with the testimonials of his affection for her, he says he loves me. That he never realized it until now. That I am the love of his life.
He has asked me to forgive him. To set tge last 20 years aside.
I am struggling. He needs me.
I have devoted my life to him and our children and this is what I am facing now.
He does not understand what my marriage meant to me. What love and devotion means to me.
I am torn between caring for him and letting him go.
But I know, if I abandon him, I will regret it.
I cannot reconcile what has happened.
I am 64. This was my chance at love, and now I mourn the time I have wasted.
Ingrid, there are not enough
In reply to He doest understand what our marriage meant to me. by Ingrid-Lee
Ingrid, there are not enough words to express to you how sorrowful I am for all you're enduring right now. There is nothing we can say that will erase the pain you feel. What you have experienced is tremendously hard and the decision before you is heavy. God sees you and how well you have selflessly loved all these years. People may not show their appreciation or offer us validation for our efforts, but nothing is ever wasted in God's economy.
Betraying someone is a severe compromise of integrity. You have provided a contrast to that, and you can continue to lead a life of love by refusing to compromise your integrity. Do what you believe is right, not because it is deserved or not deserved. Be true to yourself and where God leads you, whatever that looks like. Pain always causes confusion, but you don't have to be led into sacrificing your character. His behavior and his health condition does not mean you can't take the time you need for guidance and healing.
After my husband's affair, I registered for the Harboring Hope course. It's not an exaggeration to say that it changed my life. Even when my spouse wasn't pursuing his recovery, it gave me hope and courage to pursue recovery for myself. It helped me to recognize that I didn't have to stay broken, regardless of what he chose. Neither do you.
Your love is a gift. Not everyone will value it, but don't stop offering it.
Wife’s infedelity
I have been married to my wife 20 years and that time I have Qatar Sexting or emotional cheating seven times I know she has slept with another man for about four or five months I know of one other time whenever I believe she was sleeping with someone else, but can’t prove it the most common and most recent one was a cutter, Sexting, another guy when I caught her Sexting, though I realized it that mine and her phones were linked. I started looking through my phone, and I found some pretty scary some pretty sketchy stuff by going through her files that were on my phone. Shortly after that, she says the emotional affair Sexting affair it stopped, but everything told me that something else is still happening just because the way she was acting leaving all the time not trying to reconcile anything at all. I just kept getting told that she did nothing wrong and that she doesn’t tell me anything pretty much gave me an ultimatum to get over it and move past it or divorce. I don’t know what she’s doing wrong, but I do know is that whatever it is, she will not talk about it. She’s gonna take it to grave this has been going on now for a little over a year. I last six months or so she’s kicked me out probably 200 times he says what seems like she won’t talk to me yet fights with me about communication once or twice a week every other week she comes home go straight to bed. I won’t have anything to do with me sexually for 23 days afterwards after that happens and I told her I said you know what I’m trying to talk to you trying to figure this out I said, but you won’t talk to me and she says that I can’t I can’t be talked to. but that’s not it at all she doesn’t wanna talk. She doesn’t wanna give me an answers the ultimatum I get is you like I said put it behind us move on or divorce and I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to make her see that I know just by her actions her emotions her reactions that she’s done something wrong. What do I do? How do I fix this? We’ve got five children been married for 21 years now. I don’t wanna divorce I don’t wanna separation I just wanna know the truth And I think I have that right but any insights would be great. Do you have any questions you need Answered feel free to reach out. Thank you very much.
2nd D-day
First D-day 5 years ago… confession of porn addiction and massage parlor because he was afraid he gave me an std. Then promised he was in recovery did classes and 12 steps and counselor for a year. Then he became a sex addict over the next 4 years and had a 4 year affair with an ex girlfriend he met before me. This 2nd D-day happened because I found incriminating evidence on of his sex addiction not porn anymore. So he confessed in trickle truths for over a month. He 3 months later says I need to forget and move on… I know it is painful and he doesn’t like discussing the details and says he doesn’t remember too…. so I’ve asked him instead to write me a letter sharing the history he shares with his affair partner before we met and when they rekindled their relationship. I know he doesn’t want to but he says he will but still hasn’t. I’ve asked about once a month for 3 months and finally asked how long he thinks he needs to be able to write it and he said a month. He said he could have it down by the end of May… we will see. I wish they could just let down their guard and hearts and be vulnerable and just share it all it’s already painful the not knowing and distorted truths/lies make it more painful.
Doesn’t remember
My wife cheated 5 years ago. Recently I discovered she only told me about 30% of the story and there was soooo much more. Now when I ask her for details like what happened, she says “I don’t remember”. I’m frustrated and think I need to end it. I can’t heal if I don’t know everything. I feel like a crazy person. Wonder if anyone else feels the same
Discovery
I watched every video and read all the articles available on the Affair Recovery Web site. I trickled out the truth. I couldn’t bear what might happen. I got through the details of my latest affair but I knew I had to tell her about the physical affair I had over 17 years ago. I knew there was no way she could have found out but everything said I must be 100% honest. I wanted to wait until the EMS weekend we were registered for in three weeks but when she started asking questions I knew I had to let it all out. It’s now my 6th D-day and it’s the worst one yet. I have nothing else left to tell but there is no way she is going to believe me when I tell her that. She flooded the a degree I’ve never seen before and she said it’s over. I think it might be. I now regret saying anything about the things she didn’t know for years and would not have found out. At the morning after D-day I don’t know if the advice Affair Recovery provides about discovery is helpful. I had complete faith in the program and had more hope than I thought was possible, but now it’s all gone. By the way I called for help and it’s only available from 9-5 on weekdays. How is that helpful?
Dan
The Other Side
My niece has been in a relationship with a married man for several months. She's in love with him and he says he fell in love with her almost immediately and says he now has a deep love for her. He said from the beginning that he would never leave his children. He says his children are everything. He said he is terrified of his wife finding out and that if she did she would hurl all his possessions out, he would lose friends, he would end up living in a little flat, with little money and with limited access to his children. So he told my niece it had to end but he didn't know how to end it because it felt so painful to let her go. So instead of meeting up with her, he has just continued to text her - regularly. It has now got to the point where she doesn't know what to believe any more. She can't see how he can love her and never meet with her. My niece is in darkness because he won't disclose to her what his true feelings for his wife are. What is tearing my niece apart is the knowledge that he is continuing to be intimate with his wife even though he says he longs to be with my niece. They are starting to have terrible arguments through texting. He does not seem to understand that him being intimate with his wife is causing my niece deep sadness and turmoil. She knows she has to end it.
He is Cold
Hi!
My husband and I have been grappling with an emotional affair. I found phone records where he was speaking to another woman for 4 hours everyday for months. One day was 8 hours!! I believe I was on a work trip. I found a text where she said I love you and he replied with a sexy smile selfie. I also found an email he saved to his computer from an email address I didn’t know existed, that stated all the different thing he wanted to do with. Her like dancing on a rooftop, traveling the world, etc… Nothing I found even mentioned a kiss, so I don’t think it escalated to that point. .
It was devastating but what is more devastating is he keeps saying he didn’t do anything wrong and they are just friends. Now he is mad at me for snooping and he left me while I was on a remote meeting. I was so upset that I forgot to mute and started fighting with him. I am embarrassed, sad and confused at this point.
When I call him, he seems annoyed. I just don’t know what to do.
He cheated while I was pregnant
He says he don’t remember what happened while I was pregnant I figured it was happening but whenever I asked him he would lie to me and say it wasn’t he told me that he did it because he thought I didn’t love him anymore but he never asked me nothing like that he started to feel well after you find a house processor kid when he asked me if there was someone else he tell me know he was doing truck driving job that I allowed him to do because he said he only do it if I said he could neglect of the children and I he quit feeding us he quit doing anything for us I was missing doctors appointments for the baby I was extremely sick I almost died multiple times and the girl still will not leave us alone she wants to get me put in jail he refuses to tell me the truth she had to take a pregnancy test she told me she wants my kids taken away from me she’s trying to get the cops involved and get me arrested she won’t leave us alone and he don’t understand that I’m hurt he wants me to get over it he did sexual things with her that he never did with me and now he’s watching porn again I just feel so betrayed and he’s not even willing to get a therapist and work through it he says he regretted that he hates him so far but I don’t believe him because if he hit us up for it he would let me get a PPO or against us but he keeps telling me just to forget about it and MoveOn or we can’t be together but how am I supposed to move on when you did it all throughout my pregnancy and then he decided last minute that he wanted me and I almost died while giving birth she knows everything he was buying her things and not even taking care of the kids and I at one point I was so dehydrated that the baby almost died and he told me that if she died it be my fault when I found out about his side chick he told me it was done and over with but then he went and seen her again and I’m suicidal even though I don’t want to be but he’s trying to tell me it’s because I don’t wanna MoveOn but that’s all I want and he’s told me he cheated on me because of me he tells me when I complain it makes him not wanna be with me and when I act like a mother it makes him not want to be with me and the girl that he cheated on me with was a 20 year old who didn’t even graduate high school he found her on tinder and he expects me to trust him with his phone and trust him going to stores by himself and he’s always been this way but this is the first time he’s physically cheated and I thought things were getting better before he did it but he did it and now I just can’t get past it and he refuses to help me he just wants me to forget about it but how am I supposed to forget about something that destroyed a whole year of my life with me and my kids are at home drinking water and eating bread he was going out to Chinese restaurants in the Texas roadhouse and feeding his side chick I was in a car accident do you want to know where he was when I was in my car accident with our children heading to a doctors appointment to make sure the baby was OK he was at his side chicks house getting ready to have sex
These articles have helped me tremendously THANK YOU SO MUCH
I found out about the affair 6 months after it had ended. It was a blow to the system for sure. I was always one of these people who said if I found out my husband had cheated he’d be out. No questions asked!
Well I did do that but as I found out it’s not all as straight forward as that, not as easy. Feelings were all over the place rage anger hurt humiliation embarrassed I couldn’t see what had been happening for almost a year! Shame but the love was also still there. After 20 odd years together it couldn’t just vanish!
I found myself saying after a few months apart that I’d try and give us another shot only rule was that I wanted to know everything and I told him he had to be 100% honest with each reply he gave me or if I found out it wasn’t the truth I’d then re question all his story.
I have to say it was hard hearing the ins and outs but I needed this. I’d re question him asking it differently to see if his answers remained the same in which thankfully they always did. It was painful going through it all. But I not only learnt a lot about my husband during these in depth chats I learnt alot about myself. He wasn’t looking for a affair but his line of work let him meet lots of people in their homes and his affair partner wasn’t new to the whole cheating on her husband game. Although she’d painted a different side to her that my husband at the time couldn’t see. He was flattered and enjoyed her attention and gave into the temptation.
It wasn’t until I’d found out about the affair that people came up to him and said they couldn’t believe he’d fell for her and her lies as she was well known for this type of behaviour that he then felt more stupid and annoyed with himself for giving in.
When explaining it all to me he said once your in the situation even when you want out it’s so hard to get out to break away and I’ve heard this from a lot of people.
I don’t just blame her as although she knew what game she was playing it wasn’t her betraying me or our sons it was him.
I don’t know how I managed or ended up finding your articles but I’m so thankful I did as they have helped me so much in my healing process.
We are 3 years in after deciding to give it another shot and still to this day I can say it’s working so well for us in fact I’d say our relationship is most definitely in a better place and I honestly think it was with all the raw emotional chats at the very beginning that have helped us get through.
I want To thank you so much for helping in that process
Hello, I am new to having an
Hello, I am new to having an online conversation about these things.. but I need help. I feel ridiculous for not being over this by now because it has been 3 years.. I found out that my spouse was cheating on me with multiple people (one of them being her ex) since the beginning of our relationship. When I asked her about what happened the only response I was given was that she doesn’t remember. It just feels like I can’t get over what I don’t know about. I don’t know the timelines or even the extent of the infidelity. I just don’t know what I can do at this point to make myself get over it.
Fell backwards
I had an affair, met him once. There was sexual contact, no intercourse, no oral. Not that it makes much difference. I went along with my husband’s suggested scenario of where / how things happened. 3 weeks of healing went down the tubes when the truth came out yesterday. He’s even more angry, even more hurt. We met as kids, reconnected 30 years later. I was the one that got away and all I can do is hurt him. Part of me feels like I deserve what I get. The rest wants to build something new.
DOUBTFUL
Typed several times and deleted. Yesterday, I cried and let my heart out to God - that if he's up there he should forgive me and grant me wisdom to deal with the bitter consequences of my actions as an unfaithful husband. I wont even call what I had an affair. I hooked up with this girl after my brother passed In August. THis lady I met at the gym in June. There was no emotional connection, she also has a serious relationship. Our marriage had holes and I should have manned up and fixed them instead of looking outside for a short term ego boost. I was caught in September and I came clean immediately to her. I have confessed to my wife and God in whom I have faith. Yesterday however was tough, my wife absolutely berated me and chronicled all my errors from the years gone past. It hurt but I didn't say a word because the rage is expected. She is so angry at me, anything I say is treated with rage and contempt. I am vilifying her or making excuses for my actions. I regret what Id did but is she just going to be blind to the fact that our marriage had serious issues and there were times I could have also left but I didn't. I stuck it through and still sticking it through. However, I am not sure I can keep up with the rage at home, and I do worry over the long term consequences for our 5 year old daughter who can always hear the mom screaming at dad or Daddy also talking back.
I made a poor decision and I am ready to face my consequences. Also ready to help fix this only if she would let me, I expect dragging and rage but when is enough enough? I am fighting a battle with myself also regretting the many times I could have left and didnt.
Affair Details
I have a couple questions;
When referencing the Peggy Vaughn data regarding the correlation between openness to answering questions and marriage viability. Were the subjects limited in the scope of details they were allowed to ask the betraying spouse? If not wouldn't that limitation if enforced play a roll?
Secondly, for me the amount sexual activity and dating during out separation has kind of rolled into her affair. Am I wrong for feeling this way? She currently has begged to reconcile after sewing her proverbial oats so to speak.
The TRUTH from a cheater
I didn't love my AP. I loved how he made me feel. My partner continuously put me down and said things like women hit their peak at 25 and I am aging (I'm 29) whereas my AP said I look amazing. Even still, I don't/never have loved anyone like I love my partner of 8 years. It wasn't about the AP, he could have been anyone...it was about the void he filled within my own lack of self-esteem that was further decayed by my partner. My partner doesn't mean to hurt me, he has his own baggage. Anyway, once I came clean with everything (I had already cut the AP out of my life before D-Day) I shed a few tears, not because I lost someone I loved but because I knew it meant I would lose something I love and wanted for so long (genuine appreciation and adoration). While I would see him, I was in an exciting "fog" that felt like a dream. I do not think of him anymore at all (3.5 months later) and I want nothing more than to work things out with my partner. Now that the fog is gone I see it all for how horrible and selfish it really was and I regret it more than I've ever regretted anything in my life. The problem is it might be too later to repair things now....
Discovering the affair after we separated & why we never worked
I was married for 12 years to an amazing woman. We had a rough start and after having a special needs kid our relationship challenges compounded more in many ways. We separated in August of 2019 after trying to make it work for several years. It was mainly my decision but we both agreed that it was for the best.
Prior to that in July of 2016 my wife came to me and said "I don't love you anymore. I want a divorce. And, I'm moving out." I was devastated but it wasn't surprising as we had struggled for sometime in our marriage. She moved out for about 8 months. I fully supported her. Helped her move. I encouraged her to do what made her happy. Her family wasn't there for her at all. I never once begged her to come back even though I was seriously lonely and depressed. I wanted her to be happy...
Somehow she ended up moving back in. It just kind of happened. From that time to August of 2019 I did everything I could to make it work. We went on more dates, vacations, and tried to genuinely have fun. And we did in many ways. I kept bringing up the subject of counseling and she kept declining it. I couldn't figure it out. I had just had enough and was terribly lonely with her by my side near the end as I didn't feel she was present or in it.
Even going back to 2015 we had tried counseling and did 3 sessions. I was open, honest, and apologetic. I genuinely took the blame of our relationship deteriorating upon my shoulders. It was a huge burden I placed upon myself. I asked if she had wanted to do more counseling and she said to me "I've said everything I needed to say." I was shocked when she said that.
After she moved out in August of 2019 I was cleaning out the house and packing some of her things. I came across a journal of hers and it happened to open up to one page where the writing was unfamiliar. I had never read her journals or even wanted to. However, this was another man writing in her journal calling her "babe" and saying he missed her. My heart sunk in my chest... I couldn't help but read more and noticed some dates. The man who wrote in her journal was someone she met right before we separated the first time and that she had been with while she moved out (I didn't know this until I found the journal). But, I also read about another man that she was reminiscing about from college a year or so prior. She was day dreaming about their paths hopefully crossing in the future and how beautiful it would be. I just couldn't believe what I was reading. A terrible feeling overcame me.
I immediately called her and told her what happened and confronted her and asked THE QUESTION. She said yes... I was utterly hurt and devastated even though the affairs happened a few years prior. My heart was ripped out of my chest. If you met her you'd never guess she'd be the type to have an affair. Maybe the ideal I had of her being destroyed is partially why it hurt so bad.
In the ensuing months we had more conversations about it. Many were deep and somewhat healing. However, she never offered information. I always had to ask. That hurt. It also seemed that an apology would only ever follow my letters or questions. That truly hurt as well.
But what hurt the most? It was the fact that she NEVER came clean and gave US the opportunity to work on it together. That she hid it and buried it. That knowing her shame and guilt prevented her for about 3 years from being fully present and working on the relationship. That hurt the most. We never stood a chance with the affair being left in the dark because she was suffering from it as well.
I know she's remorseful and dealing with shame, guilt, and depression. I am as well in many ways. I'm still having a hard time letting go. I still love her so much for many different reasons. However, I could never get back together just to end my hurt and discomfort.
I truly have forgiven her and I want her to find peace. But, I know I'm damaged from the deceit. I don't know how I'll ever fully let go or be open and vulnerable to love again. I can barely date knowing that I can't be fully present and vulnerable. That's not fair to people.
A word to those who've cheated. Stop. Come clean. Take responsibility. Have compassion and empathy. Live in integrity and make things right even if that means the consequences are that your relationships suffer or end. Please, being cheated on is terribly painful, so much so that people often take their lives because of that pain of betrayal. I was very close personally several times...
What if you still think they're not telling the whole truth?
What do you do when a spouse's story just doesn't make sense) doesn't add up? When my wife's infidelity first can't out, she said it was just an inappropriate friendship with another man. Then I found out there were three men. Then I find out there were inappropriate texts/images shared. I found all this out on my own by looking through her phone. When I confronted her she said that was all that happened. Then, a few days later, she said she did actually go to one of their houses and was planning to sleep with him but got cold get and they didn't do anything - just hugged and talked. That's the part I struggle to accept. It's been almost 6 months. I still don't believe her but I fear telling her that will end the marriage. I'm at a loss.
What if you still think they're not telling the whole truth?
In reply to What if you still think they're not telling the whole truth? by DeceivedB8367
My situation was very similar. Once I discovered the hundreds upon hundreds of texts between my wife and her affair partner, I confronted her. She told me that she didn't sleep with him because she couldn't go through with it. I knew she wasn't telling me the truth, because the text messages said something very different. She later admitted to it that she had slept with him on multiple occasions when she was supposedly out on a girls night.
She decided that she wanted to be with him and filed for divorce. Unfortunately for her, the affair partner bailed on her and she was left with nothing. Our children are with me 90% of the time and she attempted suicide later that year. She is trying to patch things up with me and get back together, but I have lost all love for her.
The reminders are what I struggle with. I have reminders at least a hundred times a day and it has been over a year.
Hopefully you and I can eventually find our way. For me, I'd rather start fresh with a new relationship. If I were to take back my ex, I fear that I would never get over the constant reminders and images I have of her with with her affair partner.
Take care of yourself,
Mike
Truth.
My d-day was June2 2019. The emotional affair started in 2009 as a friendship and working relationship. I came across old texts accidentally. But those texts were from an old phone from 2014. I still don’t know what happened before that.
She was 24, he was 57. It went on for ten years. The last five years is what I came across. The texts were an affair of the heart. Love texts, telling her things Lille how much he missed her.
After I discovered this, I threatened to leave, but he begged me to stay. He said he loved me and this relationship was about helping her because she was suicidal.
That was an excuse to me, and it still is.
He called it a special friendship. But if anyone reads these texts that is not a friendship. The texts were frequent, everyday, , sometimes several times a day,. And there were hour long phone calls a few times a week.
He won’t see a counselor. We have talked it out, usually fighting. I gave him an alternative, end it or the marriage is over. He ended it this past September.
We talk now, instead of yelling. He has apologized over and over and has been very attentive and is trying to show how sorry he is.
However, I don’t think he is telling me everything. I have asked him over and over about any physical contact, not sex, but holding each other, kissing, hugging, holding hands. He never really answers me. He says no, not like I think. But I still have this gut feeling he is not telling me everything. In many of the texts he says he misses her and wants to spend a weekend with her reliving a business trip they had. But it want just them, it was with other people. He keeps repeating that it was so much fun, and wants to do,it again. He is retired.
This makes me think something else went on.
So my question is, how do I believe him when he tells me there was no physical contact when his texts assume something else?
Is he being honest with me? I want to know everything. But what if he is telling me the truth? How do I get past this? I just can’t believe that this went on for so long and there was no physical involvement, especially when the texts imply there was.
I also want to know
In reply to Truth. by Bobbie
It has been three months since I found out. I read text messages that suggest a physical relationship. At first he said nothing happened besides dancing too close at the club and talking all night. His text were in Spanish, so I couldn’t read them all, but I took pictures of some before he deleted them. I later translated the few that I had and she said he had soft lips. He later admitted to her kissing him, (he claims there is a difference) but he swears that is all that happened. I don’t believe a word he says and I can’t move on without knowing the extend of what he did. He would go on vacation with friends in places where that is a lot of prostitution (Latin America) and went a lot over a two year period (before I hear another person on these messages boards tell me to get an STD test, I’ve had one). I can’t seem to move on with my life and he is not providing any meaningful answers that satisfy me. The other problem is lets say he is telling the truth (which I doubt) and he did not have sex, I don’t know how I could every believe him based on the few text messages I read and I he lied before about the kiss. Three months later, I am stuck in place playing detective trying to put the puzzle together myself and I have an amazing imagination (lol). I love my husband and we are trying our best to make this work (except he does not like reliving his past events, but I’ll give him some credit that he is doing everything he can in the present), but feeling like I don’t have all the information keeps me stuck in neutral.
Timely info
This was very timely info for us. I hope that what I’m about to write will help someone who is also going through the initial stages after discovery.
Disclosure day was a week ago. The initial disclosure day was five weeks ago where I received probably 3/4 of the story. In the ensuing weeks there were many incidents of trickle truth as he remembered things. The affairs were over a period of time spanning 4 years, mostly online affairs and inappropriate messaging/photos/videos with strangers he met through various means like craigslist and online forums. Probably 8 people total. At year three he had an opportunity to meet up with one of them but canceled in guilt the week before they were to meet. By year 4 (2019), he started an online relationship that ended in a physical affair lasting about nine months with a two month break over the summer when he tried to break away from the affair because of guilt. He and the AP met up about eight times, but messaged each other frequently, except for those two months over the summer. This last December things were starting to fall apart with them because he felt so horrible every time they met, and he was wanting to meet with our pastor to confess but was struggling because he felt I would leave him. On January 18, I ended up discovering an email that had nothing really to do with the affair but caused me to ask him questions. That’s when he decided to tell me the truth.
I have some advice for betrayed spouses. The waiting time for a full disclosure timeline is excruciating. It has to be one of the worst things you’ll ever experience, I felt like a 1 ton boulder was poised over my head, ready to drop at any moment. I was so fearful of new information and more detailed information, but I knew that I needed to hear it. Our counselor told me to give him the time that he needed because I really deserved the full story not just bits and pieces, and that takes time. He put the timeline together probably over a two-week period. In that time he remembered two other online APs that he had failed to tell me about. So it was important that he have that time to think things through. My husband’s memory is not the best on a good day, let alone over a span of four years and a desire to forget it all because of shame. He would go months in between these incidents without acting out and wanting to work on our marriage and himself, but then he would eventually give in because he really had no support in this. My husband is a journaler, so I could probably go back and see the times when he unsuccessfully tried to journal his way out of this hole. This is an important lesson to unfaithful spouses. You cannot do it by yourself, it is impossible. You could have every good intention and really love your spouse and want to stop, but you won’t be able to until the whole secret is out and the motives are addressed. The enemy works best in darkness and secrets, and temptation will eat away at you and your best intentions will be nothing but ashes. I’m actually glad my husband had experience with this because now he knows that he needs to be open and honest, and be accountable to others about when he’s struggling. It’s about being a real, authentic human with frailties and a propensity to sin. There’s no shame in that because that is everyone of us. That’s why we need a Savior.
This week has been a week of questions, some I have not wanted to ask. I have carefully avoided comparison questions even though I wanted to know some things. One of the hardest things I asked him was if he held her hand when they strolled around a park. You would think that the idea of them having intercourse would be more painful for me, but this was far more painful because it seemed more intimate and less connected to sex. Last night I had a revelation. My husband explained the affairs as a type of infatuation, but in our discussion this morning we decided infatuation is the wrong word. Infatuation is what he and I had when we first met, dated and fell in love. It has a very pure feel to it, a rightness, it’s the way that God designed us to be when we are searching for a mate. The best term I’ve seen for this “other infatuation” is limerence. Limerence thrives in secrecy and deception and obsession. It’s not love, it’s selfish lust that has more to do with what it provides for the individual and not for the other person. My husband loved me and knew me, just as I loved and knew him; reality, not fantasy.
What has been helpful for me in my discussions with my husband was to think of the analogy of a sinking ship. As the ship goes down I, our children, my husband’s mother and siblings, our grandchildren, and the affair partner are all in the water and he is trying to rescue us. Guess who he would rescue last, if at all? I know this because never once did he think about leaving our marriage and the thought of me leaving once I discovered the truth was what prevented him from saying anything. He never spoke about me with the affair partners, he only spoke about his own loneliness and desperate need for affection and attention. This is something that I am finding I need to work on. Because although I was faithful to him and loyal, I was not treating our marriage in the mutual way that I should have been. I was living a pretty independent life. No excuses for sin on his part, just part of the larger picture of how this affair happened. I need to own my part in it, especially if there’s to be healing for both of us. He is a man who truly loves his family, and did something very foolish that nearly destroyed it.
So I hope this is a hopeful message to both betrayed and unfaithful spouses; become students of the affair. Learn as much as you can on this website and through other resources. I cannot believe at times where I have come from the initial discovery on January 18, 2020 until now. We are both going to counseling twice a week as a couple and he’s going once a week on his own. We watch the videos on this website together and share things that we learn. We try to spend as much intimate time together as we can so as to reconnect. We are going to bed at the same time and going grocery shopping together, I’m getting up and having breakfast with him in the mornings, and we now do bible study together. I’m joining him for dinner the nights that he works 24 hour shifts. I never did that before this happened. We are working on mutuality. We also know that we need to work on conflict resolution because that was a major part of the failure of our marriage.
Last of all, the most important thing we do is that we pray together several times a day, we have a commitment to pray together every night. When he’s at work he calls me and we pray together on the phone. I see God’s hand in everything that has happened so far. I see that the Holy Spirit was working when he caused me to initially question my husband. Believe me, I was completely in the dark about any of this at the time.
Without that prompting none of this work were doing now would be happening. Last month my husband moved to a fire station five minutes from our home and I see that as God’s hand. The two men that he works with are fellow Christians. Again, I see God at work. I picked our counselor at random from local online resources; he happens to be trained in affair recovery and sexual addictions, my husband really relates to him in a good way and can talk to him. Again, this is God at work. There have been many other incidents of God revealing himself to us these last five weeks.
I’m still working on trust and I know that will take time. My husband is doing everything he can to make me feel safe. Last night I woke around four in the morning and he asked me what I needed, I asked if I could present a question to him and he said yes and we talked for an hour. I know that healing can take a long time but certainly it doesn’t have to be excruciating. We are having many sweet moments together that we haven’t had since our early days of marriage. I see that my husband has a lighter spirit and a freer smile, his eyes are lighting up again. I haven’t felt this in love with him for years (we’ve been married 25). Thank you to all of the staff here at AR for the work that you do and know that it really does make a difference in people’s lives. It’s such important work when you consider the fallenness of this world and the enemy’s attack on God’s most important institution here on earth, the relationship between a man and a woman as husband and wife.
“God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them.”
Thank you for letting me post my long-winded response.
To healing!
For sale
In reply to Timely info by bighorn mountains
I’d also like to add that as a result of this disclosure, my husband is now having to sell his beloved truck and his personal vehicle because I will never ride in them again. He is willing to do this for me. If you are an unfaithful spouse these gestures can go a long way to making your husband or wife feel safe again.
Prayers for you
In reply to Timely info by bighorn mountains
Prayers for you and your husband, Bighorn Mountains. It’s a rugged journey to healing, but it sounds like your husband is doing everything he needs to do, in order to help you heal. My own journey began 2 1/2 years ago with the disclosure that my husband of nearly 30 years had been cheating throughout our entire marriage and even before we were married. His betrayal included bringing people into our home for hookups and also introducing new “friends” to me who were portrayed as lost souls in need of care and compassion. My world shattered when I learned the truth, but he and I are still together, by the grace of God. I’m still in therapy, and I still have bad days, but my heart no longer feels like it’s in constant agony. We are closer than we’ve ever been, but I still haven’t been able to feel the forgiveness that I believe will finally free me to move into the future. This has been the most painful experience of my life and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. (We had to move out of our home because the triggers became too much to bear.)
Thank you
In reply to Timely info by bighorn mountains
I just want to thank you for your comments here on this site. I had disclosure of my husbands affair exactly one year ago on Monday 2/24. however he was not honest about it, he was caught on tape and was still speaking to the AP when I found out. We immediately separated but have been working on our marriage. We see a marriage counselor once a month now but are still not living together. He also sees one on his own once a month as well. In our rural area counselor's are hard to find and we typically have to drive 2 hours to find one. I feel we are still struggling and I have a very difficult time letting go of things even though he is doing everything he can and has given up many things. We owned a business that we started together and we have turned that over to other owners. He has no part in it anymore. My struggle is the lying that he was able to do for so long. According to him it was about 4-5 months long. He and the AP worked at the same location and she was 23 while he is 51. They still work at the same place but don't see each other. She has seemed to have moved on and my husband has no interest in her at all. He had a lot of shame and guilt but thought he could get away with it and not tell me because he knew it would ruin our marriage. We had been married 22 years. I feel like we should be farther in our recovery yet, I know that I hesitate still not knowing if I am making the right decision to work on our marriage. I appreciate reading your story. I'm just not sure what our next steps should be. Thank you for sharing.
Impressed!
In reply to Timely info by bighorn mountains
Wow! I am truly inspired by your story. You have made great progress in such a short amount of time. I am just getting to where you are and it has been almost 1.5 years since D-day.
thanks so much for this post.
In reply to Timely info by bighorn mountains
thanks so much for this post. We're almost at 3yrs post discovery - discovery was made when he confessed to me. I really appreciated your description of the infatuation. I have been so certain that my husband was infatuated with his AP, however he has continually denied this stating she was simply a friend and the said friendship went horribly wrong. I shared with him what you wrote and he agreed completely with your description of infatuation vs limerance. I had read the posting on this site about limerance but this context helped me to understand it much more clearly. We are well on our way to healing, although I still have times when I get emotional (very) about it. We are more in love now than ever and he has learned to be more open/honest with his feelings, etc., in a way that he has never been before. I am glad that I stayed and we are now approaching our 33rd anniversary. Thanks again for sharing and I pray that your recovery continues as a shared journey.
Beyond broken leaning on GOD
In reply to Timely info by bighorn mountains
Thank you so much for the “long winded” post I feel like GOD put that in front of me to see he always knows what’s best! As I read this there were so many things similar to my situation. My husband and I had the initial break through moment late summer and have been working on things..it took ALOT for me to get him to FINALLY say the word AFFAIR...finally in October (our 22nd anniversary) he basically told me he was totally committed to working in US I saw many differences in his demeanor and really was feeling great about things it seemed that he was really working on it letting her go etc. then a couple of weeks ago for whatever reason (she lives 4hrs away) she had a 3day weekend and reached out to him about coming over and rekindling things since it had been so long since they’d seen each other..well he went for it...it didn’t take me long to put the pieces together and realize what was going on..:finally this morning (after much prayer that he would just come to me- which he didn’t) it finally came out...and basically he just said...”I dint really know what to say” I asked how he could be so emotionally detached and he said he wasn’t but he really just didn’t know what to say...I’m so broken after we have been working so hard and have so many other blessings in our life...I realize it’s not all her fault..but she’s well aware of me..and just continues to pursue the situation and has no regard for the lives being destroyed by this
Thank You!!
In reply to Timely info by bighorn mountains
Thank you for sharing. This gives me great hope in my recovery ?
Need advice
In reply to Timely info by bighorn mountains
I read your blog and I’m in the same boat finding out December 2019 after 20 years of being together. He’s always been a flirt and I was always afraid of a crossline one day and it did. He is a contractor in and out of women’s homes and always called them beautiful sweetheart it’s always made me feel diminished. I called him via text messages even though I have been tipped off by his cousin and he denied it as did she when I confronted her. I kicked him out and he got an apartment for six months. During this time he has made it quite clear that he wants nothing to do with her and loves me. We started going to church on Sundays and he is now attending Bible study every week in addition to weekly counseling for each of us. I do believe he loves me but I am straddled with all these unanswered questions as he denies that he had sex or kissing with her which does not correspond to what he wrote in the text messages. He said because it didn’t cross the line of sex he didn’t believe It was an affair. Once he started counseling he admitted that he realizes it was and he’s deeply hurt over what he did to me. He said he got caught up in some sort of vortex with her constantly complementing him and it got out of control. It apparently lasted like nine months and it’s eating me alive. I know I have things I have to work on and I’m trying hard to turn it over to God but I have all these questions that he denies and it eats me alive. He said he didn’t kiss her which makes no sense to me. Then he Confessed he kissed her on the cheek. After what I read in the text messages I just don’t believe him and that eats me up alive. My counselor said to me doesn’t really matter if you’re both working on moving forward and to me it does. It means that he trust me enough to tell me the truth. He swears on his kids lives he did not do anything like that and I just can’t get past it. I also feel like every memory we had for the last nine months is completely tainted. He said every moment he was with me, he was in the moment. I find that hard to believe. I have to start of his construction business two years ago and it hurts me deeply that the business almost went under and still made because of his dual lifestyle. When things are good between us they’re good and I believe that we have the potential to have a better future but I’m scared to death. I am straddle by the fear and I making a mistake and I don’t know how to get past it. I’m trying to hold on the faith but if there’s any advice you can give me I would appreciate it since you seem like a strong woman .
Need advice
In reply to Need advice by Ziggy29
Hi there. I’m really sorry for what you are going through. I understand your pain because I’ve been in the same situation. I don’t blame you for doubting him. Im sure a part of you wants to believe him because it’s so hard to believe someone you thought would be faithful was not. Knowing that their was deception and lies while you thought everything might have been ok is a hard pill to swallow. To me, that is one lesson I have learned. We are human beings and there is not one human being that is infallible. Including myself. I’ve made mistakes too. I’m not condoning what happened. But I also believe that because we are capable of making bad decisions that there is also room for learning and growing with grace. Infidelity is one of the most painful things a person can experience. It sets your world upside down. You want desperately to believe him because you love him. But your mind and heart has been shattered. In my experience, I always thought that my husband and I would always be faithful to each other. I had been proud of that fact until we hit our 16 years of marriage mark. Infidelity became a reality and it was a very hard reality to face. Dreams of how I thought it would be and should be....died. It was one of the biggest disappointments I ever experienced. Trust was gone and the person I thought would never cross the line...did. Over time, I tried to stop focusing on the unanswered questions about his affair because I knew it was getting me no where except a ton of frustration. It still hard sometimes....3 years after the fact. But now when I see the benefits of staying in my marriage because of my children not having to bounce back and forth from one house to another....to me has been worth it. Also, I’m learning that I can’t make someone tell the truth. My job is to move forward with life. To keep loving my kids, keep doing good work, keep my heart and mind focused on Jesus Christ and how only He has carried me through. I’ve learned a lot about me and how God’s grace and mercy saved me and does every day. How His grace opens the door to give grace to those who hurt me because I have hurt others in my life too. I suggest you keep looking upward and forward. Time will tell if you’re husband is sincere in wanting to live life with you in a honourable way. Keep the faith my friend.
Forgiveness does not equal staying
I wanted to be a good person and do right for my children and husband and God. I worked to forgive and I have worked , worked , worked but I now see work must come from both of us. No relationship is true when only one is working. I love him. I always will. I also realize that all the times I felt bad for not forgiving him when I thought I had were times that I was grieving. And he didn’t like the grieving. I heard the same messages as many of you which basically boiled down to “get over it”. What I know now is I can forgive him but that doesn’t mean I need to stay. Staying does not prove forgiveness. I had to move on. And I felt guilt for years until someone basically said something like,”marriage is not meant to feel like a prison or like torture. God does not want that for us.” I realize not everyone believes in God. For those who don’t I hope you can still accept the message that marriage is not meant to feel like a prison sentence. Allow yourself to heal and mend. You may need to let go of him to do this. And you are brave for doing it. And you will be okay.
Many christians think divorce is not forgivable under Gods laws. Once someone steps outside the bounds of your marriage commitments you do not need to ever feel like you need to stay in that relationship to prove righteousness to God. Staying married does not equate a godly life. Keeping trust does. You don’t need to stay.
Unable to decide what to do
I am in a similar situation. I had found out about the affair around 10 yrs ago and he had said there is nothing to it and had promised that it had already ended. Now a few weeks ago, my husband all of a sudden wants out of the marriage. Says he never wanted to have kids in the first place. Says he was ready for divorce even back then. Turns out the affair had never actually ended. Actually its much more complicated. The girl got married, divorced and my husband has been helping her thru all this time constantly assuring her that he is always going to be with her no matter what. Meanwhile, we had our own life going on with a unsuspecting me doing everything - managing the kids the house etc., while he went away on business trips (some of which were with her). Now the girl is back in his life and she has agreed to be with him too, so he is swept away in the heat of it all. He doesnt know that I know these things. Every day is a new revelation to me, when they talk. I have access to his computer - so I know he is messaging and calling her day and night. As of now, its a long distance relationship, but they are soon planning to meet. I am getting to know details about all these years when they talk daily. Should I let go and ignore him, because he has always woven a web of lies at me. Or should I confront him about all the past lies and get answers ? I am confused at what I should do. I am deeply hurt and feeling sick to the stomach every day, because all my life has been like a lie now. He kept lying to me and meeting this girl, but I believed him all along. How naive was I ? Its pathetic that I could have been so stupid.
Unable to decide what to do
In reply to Unable to decide what to do by HG
Hello there,
I can relate to how you might be feeling torn. I went through this three years ago. Seems like you have alot of evidence to back up the fact that you’re husband has been lying to you for all these years. I can’t imagine what you must be feeling by giving him the benefit of the doubt 10 years ago, to only find out that it’s continued all this time.i don’t think you’re naive. Seems like you have discovered a real side of what your husband is capable of doing...as a human being. Please understand that in no way am I justifying his behaviour. This was his choice. I’ve done a lot research about affairs. Bottom line is...broken and hurt people hurt other people. There’s a void in his heart and he is being deceived. As for you, Could it be possible that you might just be a forgiving person? Could it be that you’ve stayed for your children without realizing it at the time 10 years ago? Have you looked at your communication style that might have played a part in the breakdown of your marriage? Again, this not to say it’s your fault...because he was the person who crossed the line. It’s just an opportunity for you to reflect on yourself and decide what you want and what legacy you want to leave your children with. I have a friend who has said “all we have is our name”. I don’t know how old your children are, but I can tell you that when my husband had his affair and lied to me about ending it....I was furious. Initially, I wanted to leave, but chose not to. I was not the easiest person to live with and my way of communicating my feelings of dissatisfaction was hurtful to me and him. So, my reason for staying became for my faith and my kids. It took me three years to finally see the positive side as to why I changed my mind about leaving. I did not want my children to experience the pain of watching their father disregard their feelings by showing affection to another woman in front of them, nor did I want them to get mixed up in a blended family where they might have taken the back seat. This is my mama bear approach. I believe that my husband was so immersed in his infatuated state with her that the pain being caused to others was not being considered or thought of. He showed no remorse after being caught in public with her. Looking back now...that attitude said everything about what my children might have experienced, if I would have left.
I can’t tell you what to do next. My advice is to care for yourself and your children. When the focus is shifted on things you can control and not on the other person and their choices, it can be life changing. Despite the deep hurt and pain I’ve felt, I made the decision to shift my focus. I worked through my pain with my trust in God and a few close friends. It sounds like your husband has made his decision to be with this other person. Unfortunately, there may not be a way of reasoning with him at this time. He will need to see for himself the impact and consequences of his actions on his relationships. In the meantime...I suggest you reach out to some friends who will support you according to what it is you want and need. Weather it’s to save your marriage or not. Only you can decide. Please know that you have more worth than you know and deserve to be treated with value and respect. Praying for you and your family.
Unable to decide what to do.
In reply to Unable to decide what to do by Nobody
@nobody.
Hi! I can completely relate to the decision you made in keeping your family together. I felt the same way. It took me a few years to see the positive side for staying in my marriage. My husband also got caught in public with his AP, my friend was the person who saw them together and reported it to me. He also failed to end the affair twice after telling me it was over which further eroded any trust I had in seeing his ability to be honest and forthright. I thought about leaving many times....it’s like an emotional and psychological roller coaster ride. I love him, but I didn’t like his actions and choices. I realized that he couldn’t be in his right mind to take a chance of losing his family a second time around.(we were in the middle of going through a separation at the time prior to dday). He had already taken the chance when I initially found out about the affair. But when he pleaded with me not to leave, I thought to myself....he must want this to work, only to find out he lied and kept contact with her. That is when I said to myself...like you in mama bear mode...I will not allow my kids to go through the emotional and psychological pain of watching my kids see their dad disregard their feelings by being affectionate with another woman. Kids don’t get a say when they are too young to make adult decisions. So...I became their voice by protecting them by not separating from my husband. My focus shifted as well. I learned that I have a God who loves me and forgives. Now three years after the fact...I still hold on to my faith, spend time with my children which wouldn’t be possible on a daily basis if I would have left. My husband’s job now as far as I’m concerned is to make the choice to reflect and make changes within himself should he want to. Although the scars that have been left from this tragedy still weigh heavily on my heart from time to time, I push forward, allow to grieve what has changed for me and him...and move forward counting the blessings in my life. I can understand how this person feels of not knowing what to do. When you think you know a person and trust in their faithfulness...to have that taken away is a shock indeed. But, I believe that situations like these give opportunities for growth...I guess it depends on which direction you want to grow. Bitter or better.
not approved
In reply to Unable to decide what to do. by Nobody
Hi there…it’s been a couple of years since these posts, but our stories are so much the same. I hope your doing well and your children too.
TRUST YOUR INSTINCT
In reply to Unable to decide what to do by Nobody
I have been married faithfully for twenty- five years. My husband has always used his indiscretions as " counseling women". Which I've always told him its to be done decent and in order, either at the church in the open ( not where others could hear), or with my being present. Being that he is a Minister it was like a right of passage. For our entire marriage this was used as his excuse, not saying he was sleeping with all these women but some of the relationships were very inappropriate ( going out to eat, hanging out at their homes, before and after work communication, excessive extreme texting and being secretive ) Going three years back. My husband so called was counseling a couple he became really close to the man's wife they started hanging out together, talking on the phone a lot, etc. of course myself and the AP spouse was clueless. Once I found out my husband repeatedly lied, denied, tried to accuse me, etc. a lot happened with the situation one that could have caused lost of life once the AP husband found out.... My husband and talked to the Pastor I agree to bury it although there was no resolve, he made me feel as though I was paranoid, it wasn't what it seemed, blah blah blah... I forgot to mention my husband was jobless at the time I worked to support our family while he played Mr. Counselor. At any rate months after this so called non sexual its all in your imagination affair. My husband got a job ( through the help of my resources). He met a female co-worker they worked together for a little over a year. During this time I had gotten laid off my job. Always trust your intuition. My husband started telling me he had to be at the church for meetings, he had to work late, on weekends he was riding around the neighborhood seeing if people needed help to move since he had a truck, ALL LIES!!!! I decided to put an app on his phone. needless to say four months after being employed he started talking and texting his female colleague it got really intense the beginning of 2019. Some of the text messages read " I miss you, its good to see you, can you talk," etc. He tried deleting his calls and text messages but because of the app I was able to catch most of it from both her and him. Later I checked his google app come to find out he had been to her house several times, they had going out to eat at different restaurants, I matched the days and night he said he was at church he was actually with her. I made copies of everything when I confronting both of them it was like oh we are just friends, nothing happen between us blah blah I was devastated because now you've developed an emotional attachment and maybe a sexual one. My husband quit his job. This wasn't to stop the affair it was to save his face! Moving forward I have tried to get over this but its hard when you are married to a person who has no guilt, remorse, gaslight, accuse me, has a you should get over it attitude. etc. For months any small thing would trigger those emotions all over again. I prayed and asked God to help me show me his will. Its 2022 the last three months I have detached myself from my husband both physically and mentally and have asked for a separation with move out deadline for either myself or him. I'm numb to him now because not only was the above hard to deal with I've thought about all the other times his female encounters hurt me and our three children ( two or grown one getting ready to graduate hs). We went to private counseling and spiritual each time he made it seem as though I was crazy and he was so innocents doing the Lord's work ( as he put it). For those of you who have been betrayed by your husband or wife. know that its not your fault there's nothing wrong with you. If you are married to someone who tries to turn the tables on you and manipulate, lie, etc. know that they will never change. They repeat this cycle to gratify their insecurities and hurt those who really love them. I'm just getting to the point where I feel nothing for my husband. My mental health, happiness and well being means more. I have been a faithful wife and mother God knows. I'm starting what I call "new Beginnings" not saying it will be easy but its better than being stuck in a marriage where there's no trust!
Doesn't remember and he doesn't know why
My major problem is my husband keeps saying that he doesn't know why he cheated! Could he be telling the truth?
What to do?
Well it's only been 4 days since I found out. The shock and confusion is unbelievable because we've been separated but recently had been together quite a bit more and I thought we were falling in love again. I had talked openly and honestly what's my wife for months. I thought we were rebuilding our marriage and then I found out she's cheating.
I know it's only been four days but we're still separated and she's telling me she loves me and wants to work it out but that's about it.
She has an attachment disorder and I thought the disconnection was due to that. I did everything I could to give her the space that she said she needed wow trying to be a good person and then found out she was cheating.
What I don't understand is why she keeps telling me she loves me and wants to work it out while she never talks to me other than to respond to things say to her.
I told her that I will need to know what happened and that we needed to be transparent and she agreed but you won't let me look at her phone either. Granted it was the day after but I feel like if there is something she wanted to get rid of she probably would have.
My wife has always been kind of aloof but I always thought it was just a whole lot of anxiety because that's what she told me. She's never been able to talk about things that she's done wrong in our marriage although this is the first time that infidelity has been discovered.
I don't see how she's going to be able to now but I still can't leave when she keeps telling me she loves me and wants to work it out.
I was a husband who tried to be open and honest and try to always work on our marriage.
Now I'm reading this and people are going through the same thing that I'm going through and it's pain over a year in some cases.
Yeah I'm not sure I can take another week. I love my wife so much and I have done so much and sacrificed so much only to make her happy. I can't see myself ever being with anybody else but I can't stick around with someone and feel this way. I can't be left out on this isolation point where I don't have any answers and I have to make up everything because that isn't any better.
We've had issues for a while now but I've always been trying to work on making things better. I was never perfect and I have my wrongs and I know what I've done wrong.
Knowing my wife in the good times as well as the bad I know she's never going to be able to talk about this with me.
I'm not going to be able to move on and build something without knowing.
I've been pleading with her to talk with me for the last couple days but today I changed my approach and was just sweet with her.
I bought her flowers and we talked about have a nice dinner together. We joked around a little bit but really she won't talk to me unless I initiate. Our marriage has always been like that.
I am hoping against all hope for some sort of epiphany. I can't handle hearing her say she loves me one more time only the keep her distance so soon after finding out she's been cheating.
What to do?
In reply to What to do? by Anonymous
Hello,
I understand that the news of your wife’s betrayal is only a few days old. I can also understand the feelings of shock and confusion you might be feeling. I’ve experienced infidelity in my marriage too. For me it felt like my world was flipped up side down. The hurt, anger and utter devastation is in the least a blow to the heart. It’s hard to understand how we think we know our partner and then a huge reality check like betrayal and lies comes to light. It seems to me like your wife is teetering between what she thinks she wants and doesn’t want in a relationship....hence the aloof behaviour. And that sir, puts you in a vulnerable place. I admire your devotion to marriage and how you want to show her your love, empathy and dedication. However, according to my research on affairs....the betrayer who is caught up in what they call “limerence” or “affair fog”.... leaves little to no room for him/her of being in a state of truth. She seems to me...like someone who doesn’t know what they want, which I see is causing you to feel like you are being left dangling. Hoping she will come around. Leaving someone dangling without really being honest and forthright is unfair and disrespectful to you...not to mention dishonourable. As difficult as this may be, my advice to you is to focus on your own wellbeing. Whether that be through prayer(finding a good church), talking with a person who values marriage(support system) and maybe some focus on exercise could help you develop a sense of self worth, can help you through this life altering change. It’s a tough road. At the of the day what I’ve learned is that we are human beings who are seeking to fill a void and want to just be loved and cherished. I wish you all the best. God Bless.
Will I ever be able to trust again
It's been over 20 year since my husband first admitted to an affair that he said lasted six months. He often stayed at his work location over night - it was a long drive and I knew he would always grab beers on his way home. So I would often say - it's ok "don't drive , after your long day " - I rather he stayed over than drive whilst under the influence . Our children would often be in bed anyway by the time he made it home. One night he suddenly seemed repelled by my advances in the bedroom - I was worried and couldn't understand what was going on. Anyway things were up and down for a while , and eventually after a drinking session at home, and me actually telling him to admit to the affair, he did. It was as if I had been hit by a truck. Things were horrible and the uncertainty of what I should do , and with having young children was horrible. Lucky for us, his job location changed . We moved interstate . It was his chance to run away from the affair without actually telling her he was breaking it off. When we were interstate , at first he would sneak into another room late at night and make calls back to his old office staff- saying he had to check in on them. He was still calling her. Eventually it petered out. Thank goodness and we got some semblance of normality back in our lives. Until now 20 years later , he is called away to work again . This time he is living interstate alone , we meet every few months , but my job is here and his there - only for a short stint of 18 months and we didn't want to sell the family home. In that time , little signals started triggering . No contact on my birthday, more coffee shop, pub and restaurant visits on his credit card showing up. Always an excuse, for him tho' - entertaining business clients ETC. On a visit home tho' , a check on his phone showed him messaging a girl at work. Sending pics of his visit home , telling her when he would be back in town. Sending her poems about love. Long texts about how to deal with her partner ' she was having issues with'. Telling her that he listened to her , knowing her likes and dislikes. Sending her pics of a bottle of whisky - because she likes Whisky and he was enjoying it here. !!! On confronting him he could not see that he was infatuated with her - he was doing most of the messaging - deliberately making any excuse for contact ' Call me , if you need to chat!' ' Are you awake' . For goodness sake - the girl is 24 year old overseas student!! He is 63!!! I don't know if she was humouring him or trying to entice an old dude into a marriage because she needs permanent residency.!! Either way he cannot admit he was besotted with her - a man does not make such efforts to keep in touch unless he is interested. We had massive arguments again and in the end he quit that job and come home for good. But is my trust destroyed again!? Absolutely - I can't forgive - even though nothing physical has happened this time around - the emotional betrayal has been horrible. He has changed his phone passwords and so I have no way of knowing if they are still in touch. He says he was only helping this girl , but the fact that he never talked about her, whilst he always talked about other employees , makes me certain of his true feelings for her. Of course this brought flooding back the old memories of his previous dalliance , which he would never talk about . Does the hurt ever stop?? I want so many answers , but he says if I keep bringing it up , then we are finished. Maybe we are if that's how he feels. And to be honest , I don't think he feels anything anymore. Thank you for listening and letting me get that if my chest.
Trusting again seems unimaginable
In reply to Will I ever be able to trust again by gw
I found out 4 months ago that my husband was cheating on me with his ex girlfriend. We had been married 4 weeks when I found out. He had also cheated on me with her while we were dating. Why I didn’t walk away at that point, I’ll never understand.
This time around has been different in that he changed his phone number, he has given me all of his passwords and goes out of his way to reassure me. His work requires some travel. I have gone on every work trip with him until here recently. He has a trip coming up the middle of November. It’s a quick two day trip. He didn’t ask me to join so naturally anxiety sets in. I start playing scenarios through my mind of the two of them rendezvousing. I kept all of my feelings and emotions to myself until tonight. He asked me how I was feeling about his up coming trip. So I was honest. I told him my struggles. Instead of being loving and talking me off the cliff, he reacted very harshly. I told him I wanted him to take his iPad and keep FaceTime open while he was in his hotel room. I thought that would help me so much. If he has nothing to hide, why would it matter? He got so angry with me for even bringing it up. He yelled at me and said I should just leave the relationship because I will never be able to trust again.
Please someone tell me if I am out of line for making this request. I always try to put myself in other people’s shoes and I truly feel it wouldn’t matter to me because I would want him to have total and complete peace of mind.
Am I a crazy B**** like he says? Am I an idiot for not trusting him? It’s been 4 months. We’ve been together for 20 months and he has cheated on me five times in 20 months all with the same ex girlfriend. How could he possibly think the trust is already rebuilt? How can I trust him?
All I keep getting after a year or trying is lies and more lies
It's been a year after I found out of everything. I asked him to tell me everything I needed to know and that I would forgive him and we would work together to make our marriage of now 16 years work out for the sake of our 4½ kids. Well all I got at the beginning was everything you know is all it happened nothing more. Well through out this whole year it's all been arguments because little by little stuff has been coming up. Before I had found out everything of his infidelity I found out by one of his friends that he had a second cellphone that he used to do everything. Well he denied everything completly. I always had the feeling he was still liying to me so a few weeks ago I asked God to help me find it since it's really obvious that I have to have proof in my hands so he can confess to something. Well 2 days ago God told where to find it and I did. It's a smart phone and he has a pin on it so I can't access it at all but he doesn't want to give me the pin either. To me I have a feeling that he has kept cheating on me this whole time that it was not all talk that he actually had physical contact and he doesn't want to give me the pin because he knows that if that's true I'm out the door in a heartbeat. He swears up and down it was all talk but of course I don't believe him one bit since he has never been honest with me to begin with. What should I do?? Should I just go with my gut that he did have physical contact and leave or what?? To me marriage is something sacred but all these years of past infidelitys im to the point I'm done and don't want to try anymore
Unanswered questions
Hello,
I’ve been married for 21 years and my marriage was never really solid. We argued a lot because he worked a lot and it made me feel lonely and unloved. I spent a lot of money to fill that void. After 12 years, he was let go from his job for a problem he had way before we got married. Looking back now, I should have had the sense to leave. After his job loss, we moved. Two years later, I left not as a means of ending the marriage, but that I missed my support system back home. My kids were being bullied and I couldn’t handle it anymore.
I honestly don’t know what is keeping us together.
The big breakdown between us happened 3 years ago. He began keeping his distance, staying out late and sleeping on the couch. I knew something was wrong, but didn’t know what. There was one of his high school friends who was around during the summer and at first I didn’t think anything of them chatting. I trusted him and actually didn’t really care. At one point later in the fall, he went to my mom and dad to tell them that he didn’t love me anymore. My dad who at the time had his mother actively dying was told these words from my husband. A few days after my grandma passed away, my dad told me what my husband had said. That was it! It confirmed for me the reasons as to why he was sleeping on the couch, arguing with me and going out all of the time.
At that very moment, it was over for me. I removed my wedding ring and showed my husband that I took it off. He had also removed his months prior, but I hadn’t noticed.
I drew up separation papers and started looking for an apartment. Then I noticed him trying to reconnect with me? I didn’t understand. You say you don’t love me and now you’re trying to be kind and affectionate? But by that time my heart grew cold and hard. I pursued my goal of moving on. I began going out with friends and having fun. Something I felt I hadn’t experienced in a long time. I met another man and had a month affair. It was not sexual. My husband found out, but by that time my affair had ended. I remember him saying to me....”already?”. I felt bad and told him the affair was over. I gave him all of the details. I few months afterward, I was sitting at home one night and got a call from a friend. She told me that she had seen my husband holding hands with another woman. I found out it was that old high school friend. He had been seeing her since the summer/fall of the previous year.
I was angry and hurt. He came home and was upset. He told me he made a mistake and that they were “just friends”. Yeah right!!!!!
He involved my children in his shenanigans with her. I believe he was trying to integrate her in his and their lives to start something new.
Anyway, he was not forthcoming about the details of his affair. He simply said it was over and that he was sorry for hurting me.
We decided to try and work it out. I canceled my apartment, my furniture purchase and our appointment with the mediator. He assured me that it was over. He told me many times that they did not have sex. I was willing to acknowledge and work on my role in the breakdown of my marriage. I was mean with my words towards him for many years and I came to understand how his heart closed off towards me. But I took no responsibility in his decision to cross the line.
I later found out that he lied about ending things not only once but twice. I was focused on keeping my family together and grow spiritually.
Now two years later, I’m still struggling to stay in this marriage. My only reason to stay is for my kids. We are amicable and trying to leave things in the past, but there is still an undertone of unresolved hurt, pain and honesty. I rarely bring it up directly because I know he will get defensive and angry, so I bring up indirectly through other friends experiences of infidelity to make him realize how much he damaged me and the family. Don’t know what to do.
Holes in stories?
What do you do when there are still holes. Certain parts of stories that don’t add up. She admitted to sleeping with him ONCE but I am almost certain based on other facts there was multiple times. I want to believe her but I can’t make myself. I’m so desperate. What do we do??
Holes in stories....
In reply to Holes in stories? by Jasonjrl
I want you to know and understand, you are not alone with your feelings of disbelief. Much like you, I felt the same way for the first couple of weeks after D day. My wife was less than honest with her infidelity. I wanted the whole story. Why not, she had already betrayed me, and I needed closure. Only when I began researching infidelity and using the tools Affair Recovery provides, did I then get answers. Honest answers. I had to quit pushing her for answers in the disrespectful way to myself, and to her, to get the truth and closure I wanted. My wife was being dishonest with her stories and I also wasn't making her want to "open up" and tell me the truth. I finally came to terms with myself and thinking I was the issue. I was not. I did not make these choices. Once my wife understood that I already realized I wanted her to be married to me and forgave her for her infidelity, she began to understand that I was already hurt and confused more than she could ever make me by giving me her honesty. This gave her the opportunity to tell me the whole story. Front to back. No, I did not want the horrible details of the actual sex, just how it got to that point, why it got to that point, and when it got further out of control. I started by telling her that going forward, if I had questions, I would write them down and she could take time to answer within a certain time frame. This gave her the courage to be honest, open, and not pressured. I realized when I asked her questions face to face, I was doing ot more in a way to shame her than to find answers. After about two weeks, she sat down, opened up to me and told me everything. At that time, her stories had no gaps, no "I can't remembers", and she looked me straight in the eyes and said "I'm so sorry I hurt you. You didn't do anything to deserve this. I love you and want to restore our marriage." I understand this may not work in every situation and I do realize we have a long way to go, but I will tell you, our marriage and communication is now stronger than it has ever been. Again, we still have a lot of work to continue restoring our marriage and myself trusting her, but I feel strongly that we will survive this together. I hope this helps.
Holes in Story Are Tearing Me Apart
In reply to Holes in stories? by Jasonjrl
I have been married for 30 years and we have been together for 32. Full disclosure--our marriage has been bad for a long time. I had 2 affairs, 14 years ago for about 4-6 months, and 9 years ago for about 1 month. My wife found out almost immediately about both and has, since 2006, been relentless in her horrible treatment of me. I made full disclosures and answered every question/accusation as fully as possible. We tried counseling several times but she stopped going every time that the counselor tried to shift my wife's focus from what a bad person I was to how we could save our marriage. I truly love her and have done my best for the years since to show her that I am sorry for what I did to her and have taken concrete, positive steps to improve our marriage. I retired (my affairs were with co-workers), moved to Florida, and have travelled with her throughout the U.S., South America, the Caribbean, and Europe. In short, I've devoted my life to her. She has not done the same. She's held on to her anger and has expressed it on, if not a daily, a weekly basis. Small disagreements shortly turn into raging arguments with her screaming the names of the women I cheated with at me--although I have had no contact with them since the affairs ended.
I had long suspected that she had revenge relationships but was content to not confront the possibility beyond her perfunctory denials. On 3 occasions, I snooped on her electronics and found her corresponding inappropriately with other men, making plans to see each of them. When I confronted her, she made light of each, saying she was just being flirtatious. On another occasion, I found nude pics of her on her iPad. She told me they were just to see what she looked like and that "all women take naked pictures of themselves." I swallowed that one also. A month ago yesterday, I went on her iPad and found a screen shot of an explicitly sexual text message and another screen shot of a text message of an exchange giving the address of a short-stay motel. This time, when I confronted her, she told me that she had a one-time affair with a man our oldest son's age. I contacted the person and he said that he did have a "relationship" with her over 10 years ago but hadn't had contact with her since. I persisted in asking who THESE texts referred to and she gave me 2 obviously fake names before telling me that she had a short affair with someone who worked for me and who I considered very loyal, if not a friend. It was literally too crazy to believe as my wife is the ultimate in pretentious and this man is one of the dirtiest. sexually immoral people I've encountered. I told her that I didn't believe her and that I would spend whatever I had to in order to find out who the subscriber to the phone she texted was. Realizing that I would eventually find out, she then told me that she had an affair with another man I knew through my job, one she knew that I did not like. This information, proved to be more devastating than the prior admissions as, during therapy that we've been going to, its been coming out in drips and drabs that, in addition to having the affair with and sending nude pics to my subordinate, she's been having an off and on affair and exchanging nude pictures with the man I dislike for over 10 years. She's been downplaying the seriousness of the relationship, saying they wouldn't be in contact for months or even years at a time but I looked at phone records going back to 2016 and that's not true. She says that she didn't love him and didn't tell him she loved him but I can't wrap my head around her denial. It's completely contrary to human nature to have a 10+ year relationship and not have a strong emotional tie to the other person. Now, I've ordered phone records going back to 2014 but I know I'm just torturing myself looking for that "months or even years" that she says she was not in contact with him. I look at text exchanges between the 2 and then check my phone and work records, wondering where I was, if I was calling her and she wasn't answering or if she was being nasty to me that particular day. Funny thing is, I started to keep a diary on my phone to try to avoid direct confrontations and the frequency that she would accuse me of infidelity or tell me that I was garbage because I had cheated on her and she had remained loyal--WHILE SHE WAS ACTUALLY ENGAGED IN NUMEROUS INFIDELITIES FOR 10+ YEARS--is astounding. I'm having trouble dealing with her destruction of my dignity while she was out messing around. I love her but her story still keeps evolving the deeper I dig. At what point do I say enough is enough?
I'll never know what happened
What about a spouse who lives in alternate reality - she won't acknowledge the affair lasted a year -she believes it was a just a fling! Recovery isn't possible because she isn't capable of telling the truth - she has lied so many times she actually believes the lies and is quite willing to live in her alternate reality and wants me to join her! I'm not ever going to live in her alternate reality!
3 D Days
In reply to I'll never know what happened by jax
How about husband comes home Dec, 2018 tells me he lied about going to Christmas Party and was out with his Physicians Assistant because holiday party was on a Friday and they kissed. That’s it. He kept to threat story for 4.5 months and i told him no one believes you after we had come from couples counseling. He said i tell you the truth. We kissed, only kissed starting in October. Then they broke up. Because he wouldn’t have sex with her (. A lie). Then she proceeded to have affair with his junior partner. He felt betrayed by both and had to win. Her back. I saw Amex bill for. Gifts,Uber. Ride homes every night, out for. Drinks. But he Said I never had sex with her. I had begged him in front of therapist for truth a few weeks earlier. I told him there are a wall of lies between us and I’m stuck. I need the truth. He lied. Through some unscrupulous methods, i found out that they had been having sex from October, he told her. He loved her and she told him she loved him. Prior to coming clean about sex, his story was emotional affair, the had a higher connection and he had sexual feelings that he never acted out. I also found out they were planning to go away but got caught. Truth, he started having sex with her two weeks after i asked him if there was someone else, that we were broken and had no intimacy. He got defensive, had a tantrum. And denied,denied, denied. This affair. Had nothing to do with partner, he was already doing unspeakable things with her. I found out texted him, he finally confirmed, i went to hospital she had left and i trashed her office. I still think there is more. I try to explain that the sex is secondary to all the lies. I nearly. Was committed. I think my husband has narcissistic personality disorder. It’s been 11 days since full details of affair have come out (if its really full). He isn’t dealing with questions and reasoning behind my need to know . He cant take it lol. now the story is he didn’t love her,he liked her she did this PA that appreciated and said he just wanted blowjobs at work because he hated work. I told him go stay at Hotel for few days. I dont know what to do. There is so much more to this story, horrendous details but i cant write forever. So in closing timeline,details never added up. I. Always say if it dont add up you have done the math wrong. Don’t know what to do,I’m still fragile but so angry
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