How Do You Deal With Anger After Infidelity? Today, I'd like to begin by reflecting on a conversation I once had with an angry, wayward spouse. He had been trying to gain his wife's forgiveness ever since his affair two years prior. Sadly, he wasn't making much progress. The sad part in this particular situation wasn't her inability to forgive him, it was the fact that the bitterness and anger after infidelity were unmanaged and destroying them both. For the betrayed spouse, the journey after betrayal can be absolutely excruciating. Rather than letting go and choosing to walk through the pain in order to move past it, her antidote to dealing with the betrayal was to try to hurt him as badly as he hurt her. I fear she might have succeeded. Due to his choices, the devastating betrayal, the lack of help they received, and the way she was treating him, recovering from the affair seemed nearly impossible. He believed his wife was either mentally unstable or just plain evil. He had trouble seeing the third vital part of the equation: Anger distorts our perception. When spouses are unwilling to change their response patterns, restoration can seem impossible. How Does Anger Affect the Way I View Reality? "How much more grievous are the consequences of anger than the causes of it." This famous Marcus Aurelius quote reminds me of the aforementioned couple's predicament. Her expression of continued hurt and anguish over the consequences was destructive anger. This resulted as an unsafe environment and an uphill battle to heal and move forward. Typically, anger after infidelity is a secondary emotion. Behind the veil of anger, you will often find feelings of guilt, inadequacy, fear and/or hurt. Harboring Hope registration opens soon. Subscribe to be notified. Subscribe to Registration Notifications! Anger... Is the emotion we often use to deal with painful feelings. This is especially true when it comes to recovering from an affair. Can empower us, motivate us, strengthen us, and even help protect us. Can destroy us as well as those we hold dear. When wounded by a loved one after betrayal, it's not uncommon to feel the primitive rage that is programmed into the core of our being. While natural, this anger can most certainly destroy everything in its path if left unchecked. For the betrayed spouse, the pain after betrayal can trigger a primal fight or flight response. Internal checks and balances are critical to keeping post-infidelity anger from becoming a destructive force in our marriages and in our recovery work. Love, compassion, respect, and integrity are some emotions that can help form a safety net that prevents anger from raging out of control. Maintaining a healthy balance of emotions is at the heart of solid anger management. Is It Wrong To Be Angry After Infidelity? The anger itself is not the problem; how anger is expressed is what can cause problems. Anger can be viewed on a continuum from aggressive to passive aggressive. When anger is expressed through aggression, we either cease to care whether our actions hurt someone, or we actually intend to cause them harm. When we display passive-aggressive anger, we do what we know will drive the other person crazy but never admit we are doing it on purpose. Another example is giving our mate the silent treatment when they want to talk. When anger after infidelity is unmanaged, a person tends to move away from their natural desire to be caring and loving individuals. They allow themselves to act in ways that are completely contrary to the way they actually want to be. I've met very few individuals who profess wanting to be an instrument of destruction in the lives of others, even in light of betrayal. Most of us hope to be a blessing to others. For some, it's a matter of their belief system. For those who believe in an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth, destructive anger — and even a lack of anger management — is seen as justified or necessary to restore the "balance of fairness." But when we exact revenge from others, we wind ourselves up and become even angrier, creating the opportunity to establish a long-standing, dysfunctional pattern in our own life. We might even begin to believe: "When someone hurts me, they deserve to be hurt in return." This appeals to our human sense of justice; however, this type of response is never driven by love, and it almost always gives way to resentment and long-term unforgiveness. Am I Addicted to Anger? Is My Spouse Addicted to Anger? Some may actually find themselves powerless to control the impulse to wound and to hurt. For such individuals, anger might very well be an addiction, or at best, a well-worn path. Others may be responding in anger because it's the way they've been treated in in the past. Regardless of the reason, destructive anger is not okay and will exacerbate any and all attempts to reconcile or move on. It might seem justifiable, given life's circumstances and the hurt that has occurred, but acting in anger after infidelity is never helpful. As difficult as this may be to hear, destructive anger is unacceptable and needs to be controlled. Anger management is crucial to dealing with betrayal in a healthy manner. Am I Torturing My Mate and Disguising It as Anger? Who wouldn't be hurt and angry if they were betrayed, slighted, or rejected by a loved one? Anger is a natural response to betrayal; however, anger needs to be expressed assertively — not aggressively. The truth needs to be spoken, but it needs to be spoken in love — not in a fit of rage with the intent to destroy or wound. There is no glory in attacking a mate who has taken responsibility after betrayal for the wrong done, and who is trying to make amends. Destructive anger might bring momentary relief, but it will leave you with an empty and lonely feeling in the long run. When dealing with anger after infidelity, no amount of "payback" will be sufficient to stop the pain that was initially inflicted. Putting someone "through the wringer" is a response to pain that will leave both parties in a worse state than before. You may be asking: "How can I ever be with someone who has hurt me so badly?" This is a legitimate question, but its answer cannot be found through fits of rage. You might choose to separate from the one who injured you, feeling incapable of getting beyond the pain. Your mate might fail to accept responsibility for what has happened, which might leave you feeling unsafe. Regardless of the outcome of your situation, whether it's reconciliation or separation, you can keep your self-respect if you continue to respond with integrity, honor, respect, and love. When recovering from an affair, responding in these constructive ways is essential to keeping your life intact and your situation safe. How Can I Break the Pattern of Anger After Infidelity? When thinking back to the couple at the beginning of this article, I grieve the fact that he failed her and himself by breaking his marriage vows. I grieve the fact that she was unable to control her anger after infidelity and, subsequently, wounded herself, her husband, and her children. I grieve the fact that his anger became destructive, cost him his self-respect, and caused him to respond in ways he never wanted. Perhaps most of all, I grieve the fact that their lack of anger management destroyed what they both wanted. Because they lived in this horrible cycle of anger for two years, we can assume that they both actually wanted the marriage; otherwise, he wouldn't have endured her destructive anger and she wouldn't have invested so much energy in trying to "make him pay." I'm afraid this destructive cycle of anger and hurt might have caused just as much damage as the betrayal itself. They become people they never wanted to be. That, unfortunately, is the consequence of unchecked anger after infidelity. Harboring Hope registration opens soon. Subscribe to be notified. Harboring Hope is our online course for betrayed spouses to heal after infidelity. It often sells out within a few short hours. Don't miss it! Subscribe to Registration Notifications! Sections: NewsletterFounder's LaptopFree ResourcesHot Off the PressRL_Category: Emotional RegulationFor The Hurt SpouseFor the Unfaithful SpouseHandling DiscoveryRL_Media Type: Text
