Affair Recovery

When dealing with recovery, there are three main components which must be healed and addressed. We mistakenly think it’s just about the marriage and if we can heal the marriage, we can return to safety and security and the trauma will magically disappear.

I’ve heard it a thousand times, “we need to save our marriage, it’s all about the marriage.” The problem is, there are two other primary components which must be addressed as well, or the marriage will never truly be saved or even really safe.

The three facets are you, your spouse and then your marriage.

So often we jump to trying to restore the marriage that each spouse does not get the recovery they need personally, thus putting the whole marriage ecosystem in jeopardy. If it’s just about saving the marriage...

The unfaithful cheat and then they have the nerve to be angry….how does that work?

It sounds crazy, but upon further review it makes sense.

I was angry when my affair came out. I was a lot of other things as well: numb, confused, shocked, disengaged and disconnected. My classic reasoning system was “Well, if she would have been more aware of my needs, maybe I wouldn’t have cheated.” “If I wasn’t just a fourth kid, maybe things would have been different.” Lunacy, I know.

The unfaithful typically will resort to anger as a secondary emotion. We often times feel an intense amount of guilt, shame and condemnation and instead of sharing those feelings, genuinely letting down our guard, and being vulnerable, what the betrayed see is more and more anger and hostility....

Today’s post is directed towards the unfaithful. I’m certainly hopeful the betrayed will shout a big ‘Amen’ to my thoughts today, or even show this to their unfaithful spouses. Having been an unfaithful myself, believe me when I say there are no stones being thrown at you today. I’d only be throwing them at myself as well, and to go a step further, it would be completely self-righteous to lay judgment on someone who is just like me, an unfaithful.

A concept that’s hard to really grasp for some is the reality that our actions (the unfaithful) at some level will determine what the future looks like.  Quite often I’ll ask a betrayed spouse this question: “Are you open to the restoration of the marriage?” The answers are all over the board, but one thing is pretty sure: most,...

Life comes at you fast. Between pressures and responsibilities, obligations and duties, each day carries fluctuating odds on how long it takes to sometimes lose it. I hate to sound like a downer but lately there has been a good deal of pressure I’ve been walking through. Finding the balance to manage everything has taken some work for sure.

To those struggling with the effects of infidelity, each day is a long haul. For the betrayed it’s excruciating with reminders, triggers and confusion. The task of finding hope can seem exhausting in and of itself. Rising above the roaring waves of depression to simply care for kids, go to work, or care for your self can feel like a upward trek that has no end.

For the unfaithful, their journey is challenging in that it also feels...

Pursuing recovery after infidelity is no easy or short task. It can seem insurmountable and exhausting on any given day and reduce you to hopelessness within 1/200th of a second. From reminders to triggers to thoughts of what life could have been like, recovery is a marathon, not a sprint. I believe that when you are able to sprint, sprint like there’s no tomorrow.  When the pace slows, it’s about finding a new pace. I’ve seen over the years Samantha and I find new paces. Some were thrilling and so enjoyable; some were memorable for all the wrong reasons.  Yet, in a surreal way, there was a pace to it.

As you’ll hear from both Rick and myself, as well as almost anyone who has gone through infidelity and has their head on straight, this is a long road but it isn’t...

When recovering from infidelity, emotional flooding will most certainly be a piece to the puzzle. When flooding arises, chaos seems to ensue. If you’ve ever flooded emotionally, you know it’s excruciating. Many describe it as an influx of almost uncontrollable emotions where flight or fight seems to rule the day and our heart rate spikes at least 20%. Attempting to curtail this flooding with a simple “get over it” or “what’s wrong with you” or “lookout, here we go again” ensures certain disaster. It will only intensify heart rates, emotional flooding and instability and the speed in which things like dishes, silverware, books, cell phones or anything else within arm’s reach is thrown by the spouse who is flooding.

Flooding is real. If you’re an unfaithful, I assure you this is...

While doing some recent reading on the parenting of teenagers, I came across an excellent definition for the word compassion. The word compassion comes from the Latin word ‘compati’ which literally means to suffer with or suffer together.

I wonder if we in recovery can’t take a lesson from this etymology and begin to lean in to the pain and hurt we have caused another? I wonder if we are truly suffering with our spouse in their pain and hurt? I can honestly say early on, I wasn’t ‘suffering with’ Samantha at all. I was self-absorbed with my own pain and what my affair had cost me and what my affair had done to my future, my family name, my position, and my destiny. I was also concerned with what I had done to my affair partner and her family. I was so disconnected with truth...

If you’ve been on social media today, you probably know the trailer for the upcoming movie Fifty Shades of Grey has come out in a flurry of illicit excitement. I’m pretty active on social media, and to see and read the comments by so many is a bit humorous, but also frighteningly indicative of a gaping need we have inside our marriages for this sort of eroticism.

For those suffering the effects of infidelity, the idea that this sort of intense sexual excitement can one day be active within the confines of marriage, especially a marriage after infidelity, can seem laughably unrealistic.

I’d like to take today to share with you that it is in fact possible and available.

But it takes work. After all, what’s easy isn’t usually the right road. It was easy with our...

Thank you for your many comments on my previous article “Withdrawing.” I’m glad it helped some of you and always thankful when people go above and beyond and take the time to offer positive, heartfelt feedback.

Continuing with the conversation about communicative dysfunction, I’d like to introduce another form of faulty communication patterns called Finding the Bad Guy. Rick introduced it to us and we both were stunned when he described it, as it painted the exact picture of our communication early on.

We are experts at finding the bad guy. It’s a phrase that describes when couples allow themselves to slip into a pattern of attack-defend, find out who is wrong and at fault and therefore identify the villain. If we can simply find the villain, all will be explained away...

I was on Twitter today, and read a comment in business which prompted a parallel question. The question is, “What is this situation making of you?” We could substitute the word situation for ‘recovery timeline,’ road to recovery, affair, addiction, or gut wrenching miserable life.. As you and I both know the substitute words are endless, and none of them seem to relieve the pain and trauma.

But we can’t argue with the reality that this ‘situation’ is making something of us. We reserve the right to choose what this will make and is making of us.

Years ago I sat with Rick in his little office and cried like a baby at how difficult and painful my life was. I kept saying how bad this was and how horrible life was and that everything sucked. I was in a new city, in a new...

At some point, we have to look at the circumstances of our disclosure, exposure, or confession as a rescue. I will tell you, and Samantha will ecstatically echo, that my having to come clean about my affair was in fact one of the greatest rescues in my life. I hope and pray there is not another need to rescue me in that way ever again. I was on a crash course towards hurting more and more people emotionally and wanting more and more control. Samantha was on her own crash course of bitterness and resentment which continued to feed the hopelessness she seemed to be enveloped in.

When I was threatened and had to come clean, I didn’t see it as a rescue. I saw it as a total, colossal failure of incredible proportions. And, sadly, it was that. But it was also a rescue from where we...

Webster’s dictionary defines hate as:

intense hostility and aversion usually deriving from fear, anger, or sense of injury

When Samantha and I share at speaking engagements, she almost always shares about how she really found herself hating me early in the recovery process. (I make sure she says that too, since so many betrayed female spouses attest to feeling the same ‘temporary’ hatred towards their mates.) I don’t remember her ever saying that to me, but when she shared her story for the first time on the site, she stated emphatically that she felt that way. I was healthy enough to not have it shake me the way it would have early on if I had heard that, but I really did understand what she was saying.

I had actual feelings of hatred for her too during the...

“The affair is just a symptom of deeper issues.”

I’ve heard that statement about a thousand times, and I’ve only heard it from the unfaithful spouse, never the betrayed spouse. I’ve heard it so many times that when I’m working with a couple now and I hear the unfaithful say it, I almost laugh out loud at it, as I know what’s coming before they finish the sentence.

The reality is it just may be that: a symptom of deeper issues. The problem is, it’s more times than not, far deeper issues within the unfaithful spouse, not the betrayed spouse or the marriage.

We have affairs because we are unhealthy and do not handle our marital or personal issues the right way, and give ourselves to another person (or one night stands, or porn, or strip clubs, etc.) in an effort to...

When Rick told Samantha, “You don’t need trust to move forward, you need safety,” Samantha was stunned. She hadn’t heard that from anyone and it was a bit of a foreign concept to her. After all, I had blown apart any fabric of trust she once had in me. After a two year affair, endless amounts of attempts to cover it up, and a horrid lifestyle to boot, trust was obliterated.

One of the only friends I had left even said to me, “I certainly don’t trust you, but I love you.”

Samantha certainly didn’t trust me, and wasn’t sure she even loved me anymore either.

But Rick had the boldness and brilliance to say “You don’t need trust to move forward, you need safety.”

Safety is the process by which couples can gain ground and move forward, though the future is...