i probably have my friend, but specifically about what so that i can pin point it?  thanks for posting and watching.

my pleasure michael.  thank you for the kind words and great encouragement.  for starters, maybe find a book you both love and go through it together and then do the questions together at the end of the chapters if you go that route.  that will be great 'lead ins' to healthy conversation.  if you need that kinda lead in and help to get it going.  i would also tell him you don't need or want 'advice' when it comes to the infidelity aspect but more along the lines of everyday life and helping you stay accountable to sobriety (not that your an addict) but not acting out.  whatever that means to you.  for some it's porn, for some it's strip clubs, for some it's flirting, or a specific affair partner making sure you're not talking to them or anyone like that.  holding you accountable from relapse which can be any behavior that leads you away from your spouse and away from recovery principles of honesty, faithfulness, no unaccounted for time, etc.  he gets to ask you anything he wants.  he gets to ask you anytime he feels he needs to about whatever is a sensitive topic.  

my guys will ask, hows samantha?  how you and samantha doing?  that'a lead in.  if we've fought, i share it.  if we're great i share it.  if i'm sour and really upset about her or something about our marriage, i'll tell him.  hes safer than an affair partner, or member of the opposite sex and with him (or other guys) i can be gut level honest.  he /they commit to not shame me or condem me but to process with me and help bring me out of darkness and deception.  

ok, so am i giving you what you were looking for?  it's been a long day and i don't want to ramble, so help me know if this is what you mean and need and want?  hahaha. sorry.  just wanna make sure i don't waste your time. 

hi jmh78....i think it's somewhat normal to think that way.  we want to help our spouse.  we want to save our marriage and family.  so we hear something that touches an issue and we think, yes they need to hear that.  it's not a blanket statement that you hear something that's relative to your spouse and you're immediately being self righteous or sabotaging your healing.  however, if you're fixating on what they need, never working on your own recovery or if you're only focused on what they need, but not what you need and what changes/healing/awareness you need, perhaps just being more open is part of the answer and being more self aware is an adjustment you need to make.  it's a normal part of life that we hear something and we think it would be great to have our spouse hear it.  it's all about the heart.  we care we love we want the best for them.  we also have to be aware of what we need in life and in recovery as well.  hope that answers your question well.  thanks for posting and watching. 

for starters, i have a blind spot of how i can be rough and aggressive and hurt samantha's feelings all the time.  she can get wounded and i'm blind to how abrasive i can be.  i also have a bit of a blind spot to how wrapped up i can be in my own world and am not always attune to what is going on in her world. 

unfaithful spouses often times are blind to what their spouse is feeling.  they are blinded by their own shame and pain, not aware of their betrayed spouse's hurt and wounding.  or the betrayed can have a blind spot to the fact that their spouse has been reaching out to them for months for sex, but they have been wrapped up in the kids' world or work or this and that and they are a bit blind to what their spouse has been feeling:  rejection, insecurity disconnection.  

are these helping?