An Expert's Take on Defensiveness in Infidelity

Comments

Different angle on defensiveness

Submitted by often favored on Tue, 04/09/2019 - 20:26

Thanks for helping me understand a little bit better about why my husband gets defensive, especially about intentions(!), but could you go into what the betrayed can do about the unfaithful's defensiveness? Because his affair was "only" emotional and he didn't feel any sexual attraction, he thinks all this "betrayal" stuff is in my head and not real. He refuses to own that he crossed several lines and resents the term "emotional affair." But the stuff I read on this site shows he's acting out typical "unfaithful" behavior. How do I get past his defensiveness so he can start working on healing - not just healing our marriage, but how he sees himself, too?!

So true

Submitted by MNe on Fri, 05/03/2019 - 22:39

I am so glad I have come across affair recovery. This makes so much sense and is one of the things my husband does when we get heated about his affair. He will tell me I was the reason and go ahead and make a long list. I am not a defensive person by nature and through my own development have learned not to be and how to respond in a healthy way. I truly do feel if my husband could get onto the EMSO course it would change his life as well as mine and our marriage.

thank you for sharing my friend

Submitted by Samuel on Tue, 05/07/2019 - 12:59

so glad the site is helping you. i'm sorry for the pain you're in and for what you're walking through but so glad you found us and the site. thank you for watching and commenting.

Direct Questions About the Other 10%

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Sun, 05/31/2020 - 23:34

Hello Samuel,
Thank you to you and all members willing to share their experiences and hope for the rest of wading through these rough waters. I am constantly fighting the battle with defensiveness and although I would like to think I am making strides I need some practical advise. As I focus my attention and energy on the 90% of the truthful statements being made by my betrayed spouse throwing away the 10%. Listening to how I have made her feel and showing her empathy in hopes we can build a bridge to one another, her responses tend to always come back around to "and what about the other 10%(not her words but you understand), you haven't admitted or spoken about that yet, you need to or I can never trust you." I am attempting understand her need for absolutes and not speak about my intentions only her feelings but we are stuck when I am unable to discuss the 10% which is all false and has no facts involved. Stuck again.

Amber (New!)

Alumna, Grateful Wayward. Strong believer in small group recovery and the power of sharing our faith, experience, strength, and hope in community. Miracles happen.

Norman (New!)

Alumnus, betrayed. Be a voice of encouragement for those in pain and navigating emotional trauma. The journey to healing can seem impossible, but don’t ever give up as there is a light at the end of that tunnel. Please show yourself compassion, grace, and love.

Tara (Coming Soon!)

Alumna, betrayed. Healing from loss of betrayal, marriage, spouse, and the life I thought I had…to discover hope for new beginnings. As a Grief Recovery Specialist, I am passionate about helping others find hope again.

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