stillhurting, thank you for posting. i'm incredibly sorry that your night was blown to bits by the vlog. the reality is, it's a 10:03 vlog and i can't cover everything in that mere 10 minutes. I just can't say everything that i could say or else they get too long and i lose people and lose myself.... it's the concept of what we, as spouses, stupidly give up out of self deception. i've committed to never BS people or give them information that isn't true or righteous in intent or directed to help: never to belittle, humiliate frustrate or divide. i'm truly sorry that's happened. my affair partner, to be direct, was voluptuous. not MORE voluptuous than my spouse. but I didn't say that in the vlog. it was a mere comment that describes the mindset of the unfaithful as i try to stay in real time with those who are following my vlogs and going through crisis. i should have clarified that but will now. we get enamored out of self deception, and delusion that our affair partner will solve our problems and issues in life, when in reality, the problem is in fact, US. it's our deception, our dissatisfaction with life and ourselves that we project on to our spouses. when i was able to get healthy, i realized i didn't truly want my affair partner. i was in a cloud of deception and lust and it was due to the dysfunction, NOT WHAT I REALLY WANTED, but what I wanted when i was not healthy and what I thought i wanted. i thnk you have to give credence to how unhealthy the unfaithful can be and how they can think. looking back, i can see, and most unfaithful can see when they get healthy enough, how deceived they were and how they were chasing a fantasy that, (in that little 20%) tempted us to believe all our problems were going to be solved by that woman and 20% (or porn for others or other outlets). But, again, it's the fantasy and deception not reality. it's the cloud of deception we live in. 11 years later, i'm more enamored with my wife Samantha than ever before. i find her to be more erotic than i've ever imagined and absolutely love the healthiness of our sex life which is passionate, erotic and real. not false, like sex with our affair partners that is based upon chemical release in the brain due to us partaking in what we know we shouldn't take part in. we engage in behaviors that are wrong, out of bounds and chemically charged for all the wrong reasons which make it addictive in nature. we experience chemical release with our spouse as well, yet void of shame, condemnation and that horrible feeling after. yet, one must give accurate attention to the deception we give ourselves too. you can't compete with a fantasy. you're not supposed to. knowing what goes on in the mind of the unfaithful is key to understanding the unhealthiness and pain they create for themselves. you can live, falsely, under the dark shadow that you're not enough and you'll never be enough, but that's not accurate or real as we don't see you that way. we don't. so it's hard to get the betrayed to see that we really do want to be with them and they are enough for us. but the damage has been done and it's about repairing the damage. slowly but surely. i hope this explanation can help you understand that i'm trying to explain the mind of the unfaithful...though it's not the totality of the situation. he wouldn't be home if he didn't want to be with you. i'm again, very sorry for the pain and the night you had due to my vlog. i hope this explanation helps you both.