Samuel,
Thank you for your insight. I asked my husband to invest more in this process by reading a book and doing the activities in the book or going to an EMS weekend. He seems to think that he is the exception to the process and that he could "go through the motions" and it would not work. So, he is gone. He says he intends to be back in 2 weeks. He says he needs to be broken and that he is too comfortable in our home. Can you offer some guidance for me? He has broken ties with the AP, but still sees her at work. I told him if he confides in her or turns to her for comfort, it is over. I cannot go through that again, although I am only going on his word that he won't do that - whatever that is worth.

What boundaries can I set for me and my 7 and 9 year old? What can I do to protect us from what is sure to be a roller coaster of emotions? What if he is not broken in 2 weeks? What on earth do I do now? I love him still.

When I found out about the five year long affair with a co-worker as well as multiple 'pseudonym forays' into Ashely Madison, Zoosk and a few porn 'dating' sites (he says he 'curious' and would never take action on those.Sure, I believe that- NOT), one of the stipulations I had in staying was that he go to counseling, I go to counseling, then WE go to counseling and that he find someone to be transparent with and accountable to, other than ME. It was his idea to attend the EMS weekend 5 months after discovery. He went to counseling for about 9 months. His counselor was out of network, and didn't take insurance so the cost was a hardship and he kind of hit a wall with him in that it wasn't really doing anything. So he quit. That was about a year and a half ago. I continued going to my counselor and she helped me not only in the throes of despair but in also dealing with MY issues, apart from the affair. When I bring up couples counseling, the fact that he agreed to get counseling to figure out the WHY of the affair and that he agreed to find someone to be accountable to, and he balks. He's fine with how things are. He's moved on. He lost his job where the AP works (lay offs...a Godsend, really), we've moved to a new home in a new town, he has a new job...he says he will never hurt me like that again, hurt US like that again. And he feels thats all that needs to happen. When we went to EMS, I stated that we were all on our best behavior because of the newness of the pain and the guilt, and my fear was that if he didn't get to the bottom of what happened, if we didn't get some kind of help to rewire our relationship, things would slowly slowly morph back into 'the comfortable'...which it has. He doesn't want counseling for us. I do. I feel I just haven't been able to move forward. I know he's not looking to have an affair. I know the pain he's caused is preventing him from going online again. Things are "ok" with us. But I am constantly unsettled and although the pain has lessened, knowing just how awful he felt for hurting me, thoughts still pervade, images still pop up especially while being intimate, with no resolution and I just wondering if I should give an ulimatum that we go to couples counseling with someone well versed in affairs, and to get an accountability person- or insist he hold up his end of the bargain, or do I accept things as they are, remember that I chose forgiveness and work harder at "moving on"?

I don't want to be in a senario of a parent talking to a child, which is what this sounds like. " If you don't do xyz, this will be the consequence." I also know that some will consider this "controlling.". Is that ok??? I feel like I've had to mother my husband for 29 years and he has accused me of being controlling for 29 years. I wouldn't have needed to act like a mother to him if he had behaved like an adult and I wouldn't have needed to come off as controlling if he had learned to make proper choices in our marriage.

I gave my spouse the choice, cut off contact with AP and go to counseling and see if we can save our marriage or you need to leave. I gave him till 6pm on Monday. We did this during our counseling session. Well at 6pm he said he couldn’t decide. We really hadn’t talked about the affair, just been trying to give him time to realize how stupid this was. But I underestimated the aggressiveness of the AP and I overestimate my husband’s ability to do the right thing. I let 6 turn into 11 while he paced around and I ignored him. He refused to leave that night. He slept in my sons bed. The counselor felt that him staying showed his intentions and instead of packing his bag let him talk. So I did.... he turned the whole thing around and made leaving his idea. Said he would tell the kids we were working through some things and then maybe try to come by this weekend. I was so mad I let him turn the tables by not holding my ground in Monday. I ended up writing him a letter as a last ditch effort to get the upper hand. I made sure he knew him leaving meant he chose his AP over his family and he was not welcome home until he ended it. I also told him he was not going to come and go as he pleased. That we would discuss time with kids at counseling on Monday but until then or unless he choses to end it he wasn’t coming home but I still feel like it backfired. He doesn’t want to look at the whole picture of what he is doing. Said this is about him being happy. Somehow he has been miserable for 14 years. I have been a terrible wife while he has been a perfect husband. And all the efforts I’ve made in the past 6 weeks to understand what he needed to feel loved and wanted was me putting on just to lure him back. As soon as he ends it I’ll go right back to before. He’s afraid to lose her and not me. I’ve somehow lead him to believe I’ll be here to take him back whenever he decides he wants to come back. He’s only known this girl for 4 months!! How can I regain some control?

I gave my spouse the choice, cut off contact with AP and go to counseling and see if we can save our marriage or you need to leave. I gave him till 6pm on Monday. We did this during our counseling session. Well at 6pm he said he couldn’t decide. We really hadn’t talked about the affair, just been trying to give him time to realize how stupid this was. But I underestimated the aggressiveness of the AP and I overestimate my husband’s ability to do the right thing. I let 6 turn into 11 while he paced around and I ignored him. He refused to leave that night. He slept in my sons bed. The counselor felt that him staying showed his intentions and instead of packing his bag let him talk. So I did.... he turned the whole thing around and made leaving his idea. Said he would tell the kids we were working through some things and then maybe try to come by this weekend. I was so mad I let him turn the tables by not holding my ground in Monday. I ended up writing him a letter as a last ditch effort to get the upper hand. I made sure he knew him leaving meant he chose his AP over his family and he was not welcome home until he ended it. I also told him he was not going to come and go as he pleased. That we would discuss time with kids at counseling on Monday but until then or unless he choses to end it he wasn’t coming home but I still feel like it backfired. He doesn’t want to look at the whole picture of what he is doing. Said this is about him being happy. Somehow he has been miserable for 14 years. I have been a terrible wife while he has been a perfect husband. And all the efforts I’ve made in the past 6 weeks to understand what he needed to feel loved and wanted was me putting on just to lure him back. As soon as he ends it I’ll go right back to before. He’s afraid to lose her and not me. I’ve somehow lead him to believe I’ll be here to take him back whenever he decides he wants to come back. He’s only known this girl for 4 months!! How can I regain some control?

My D-Day was less than a month ago after she had already told me she wanted to be separated within the house only about a month before that. Her affair didn't last long, but she said it gave her the confidence to be who she really is. She moved out not long after that and is now in another relationship that she thinks could work long term. She has already told me she is done and wants a divorce, just doesn't care about the paperwork happening right now. She left the kids with me and isn't looking to have 50/50 custody. So I don't feel like I have any consequences to threaten her with. I pray God will make something happen to wake her up, but she just tells me that no matter how I feel about her that I need to just be friends and an amicable co-parent. She says I would get to meet the guy before the kids meet him, but that she would get to decide when they meet him even though we would discuss it. She has turned my whole upside down with almost no warning when we should have been celebrating 10 years of marriage soon. How can she just throw it all away so easily? I am enrolled for when the next Harboring Hope class opens thankfully. Is there anything else I can do?