I'm curious about the other side of this. Ambivalence from the betrayed. This is my second/third go around. My husband was unfaithful about 3 years ago and then again this past November, I discovered more new infidelities. I knew something was up much sooner, about a year ago at this time but he convinced me I was not seeing the patterns I was seeing and that the women I saw following him on social media were just randomly doing so, that they were strangers. For about six months, I believed this. When I discovered his new affairs, I was beyond crushed and we seperated for a few months. We started im discernment counseling (my idea) and made a joint decision to attempt to rework our marriage amd try to save it. We are still in counseling but I find more and more that, as the dust settles and the shock and desperation wears off, I am becoming more and more ambivalent. I truly question, not if I still am in love with him, but more so if I can ever move past this most recent string of affairs and if he can change. I'm now the uncommunicative and disconnected one in the relationship. I don't know if this is a phase, part of the healing process, or if this is reality sinking in, the time after the frantic grasp at reconnection where the ideals are gone and one must face the harshness of things. The first time I could chalk his betrayal and my subsequent pain up to something he never considered happening. But to do the same thing a second time, to have seen the suffering and ripple effect his actions and choices caused and go and do it again but swear that this time he sees, that this time he gets it. I've been trying to let my walls down, to let him into my heart and to build anew what was but I think that a second time around, it's clearly harder. I worry that the first time it was almost easier because it was the first time, a fluke. I predicated my healing on the bedrock of, "this will never happen again" and counted that place as ground zero. I'm finding it impossible to do that this time around. What can you say for the ambivalent betrayed, is this a common problem in recovery that should be worked on to overcome or could this be the signs of dissolution after the chaos and trauma wears off?

Thank you thank you for covering this!!!!! Putting to words exactly what I am experiencing!! Feel such a relief it's part of the process, normal in something as crazy as this, and the advice. I have pulled back almost 5 months ago now. He's been pursing and wants to stay married, but only to have his cake and eat it too. Still have his affair partner on the side. So after much prayer and counsel filled for legal separation. Biggest lie of the enemy he always believed- that I would never file or leave. At this point something had to be done to stop the dysfunctional cycle and control he had. He's losing control and freaking out, blowing up. Says he will come and go from our house as he pleases. Encouraging that he wants to be home, but not that he's not open to change, and with so many distructive habits, constantly upsetting the kids stable environment.
Still can't believe I'm in this situation and don't take filing lightely, but had to change his game, to protect all of us.
Thanks so much I have so much more peace

Hi! I found this video to be very imformative, but let me ask this.... what if the tables are turned? What if the scenario is exactly the opposite? I betrayed my spouse. It happened only once and was not a relationship of any kind. I decided i wanted my marriage to work, so i cut all ties and focused on us. This was 4 years ago, i have read and done so many different things in order to save my marriage. At this point the tables are turned. I am chasing him and he is ambivalent. One min he wants to make us work and the next min he is raging and walking out the door. As the one who committed betrayal how should i respond to ambivalence? I made the worst mistake of my life and i am grasping at straws. He goes to counceling once in a while, i have been a few times, but i don't have ins. So i do what i can by reading online. I would love to know how to respond in order to get him on a track of healing. Thank you!

Hi, Samuel. I discovered my husband’s emotional/physical affair 4 months ago. He has stopped contact for now with the AF (who was one of my closest friends), but it seems mostly motivated for her benefit, and if she reached out to him he would likely respond. He says neither has any interest in a continued secret affair as they’ve seen how devastating they can be, but he thinks that talking to her would help him get out of his ambivalence and he’s resentful about the “no contact” mandate as a result. He’s not been cruel to me and has tried to care for my needs since all this came to light but he also doesn’t know what he wants. He knows choosing me and our kids to follow God is the “right thing to do” but he also feels like changing is dying to parts of himself he doesn’t want to give up. He has talked about closing the door to his AP for over a month now but the logistics of this keep getting dragged out and he is dependent on others to help him make that call and to tell him how best to do it. He will still show me affection and we’ve been talking about our relationship and how we got here and what’s going on in each of us with genuine honesty and safety. But it doesn’t feel like a whole lot has changed in the past 4 months in terms of his ambivalence. He is talking to men from our church on occasion and has been doing individual therapy. Is this the kind of situation where I should be doing what you said and pulling back to match his ambivalence? It feels more natural and right for me to show him that I genuinely love him and am here fighting for our marriage, and to make sure he knows if he chooses to walk away he’s choosing to leave someone who loves him and is willing to make it work. And he’s not still engaging with his AP and hasn’t for a while. He’s still living here with us, trying to make connections with me, but struggling with his own internal ambivalence. I’m worried me pulling back would have the opposite affect and discourage him from seeing hope for our future if he were to fully commit. Or that it’s just manipulative and playing mind games and could backfire and have him thinking I actually don’t care about being with him and that may help make his decision for him to leave since he sees no future? I’m not sure what to do.