, 11 years 1 month ago

Lately I’ve felt the waters of my life being stirred pretty significantly. How can I tell, you may ask?

Well, the surest way is I’ve been a pretty big mess lately. From disillusionment with my career, to frustration with a few things maritally (unrelated to infidelity), to financial struggles, to a few health scares with Samantha as well as my daughter; there’s been challenge after challenge to wade through.

If you’re reading this blog, on this site, it’s pretty apparent the waters of your life have been stirred as well. Probably stirred in a way you’d like to never have them stirred again.

Many make the mistake of only thinking this is the waters of their marriage being stirred, and not their life. It’s revealed more apparently when couples come to Rick and he...

, 11 years 1 month ago

At the EMS Weekend we attended, Rick talked about the unfaithful spouse being “selfish with their shame.” It’s an interesting concept, which essentially refers the unfaithful spouse continually making it about them instead of the ones they’ve hurt or betrayed. It’s continuing to wallow in their shame, or continuing to focus on what their choices have cost themselves, and not their spouse. It’s being more concerned with how much of a failure they may appear to themselves and to you, than how concerned they truly are with how hard of a time you, the betrayed spouse, is having due to their choices.

To say it’s dysfunctional is an understatement.

Shame is that way: self-absorbent. It makes the issue about me and not the ones who are suffering. Shame says, “I AM...

, 11 years 1 month ago

I grew up in a very rough part of the inner city. Being raised by a single mom with no dad around, I was forced to become pretty tough for a variety of reasons. It wasn’t uncommon to have shootings by our house and surrounding areas, and we had our house broken into several times growing up. My success in sports in high school, college and professionally was in many ways due to my refusal to quit and raw aggression which was evident in the way I approached the game. I’ve quit very few things in my life.

There is however, a huge difference between giving up and surrendering.

One of the biggest challenges in our recovery was me learning to surrender. Realizing I just couldn’t control how fast Samantha forgave me or got over her pain took what seemed like an eternity to...

, 11 years 1 month ago

I know this question reverberates through the minds of many who are trying to heal, and I must say I too asked myself that same question early on in recovery.

To give you an idea of the furnace Samantha and I were stuck in (and I know yours may be worse), we had lost everything but our kids, our cars, and one friend who decided to stick around though it seemed like hundreds left us. We were in a new city, and shortly after moving to the new city, my best friend (and only true friend, yep, the one who stuck around in the previous line) decided to move to another state to plant a church. The only other friends we knew here in Austin were Samantha’s friends, and they hated me and wanted nothing to do with me. I was in a new career in sales, which only flourishes with relationships...

, 11 years 1 month ago

Webster’s dictionary defines frustration as a deep chronic sense or state of insecurity and dissatisfaction arising from unresolved problems or unfulfilled needs.

I have to tell you, as impatient as I am, and as wired as I am to control, I have experienced incredible frustration; not only in recovery, but in life in general. Even when I was young, I can remember extreme times of frustration and the sense of paralysis I felt at not being able to get the outcome I perceived to be best for me. Anyone else see the glaring pride there? Quite frankly, I’m easily frustrated in life even now and I have to be careful for this particular season I’m in right now.

One thing that helps me is perspective. When I see things in a long term perspective, or from God’s perspective, it...

, 11 years 2 months ago

More times than I care to admit, I see couples falter and squabble over whether or not to save the marriage, and I think that is putting the cart way before the horse.

Early on, the fight shouldn’t be whether or not to save the marriage. The fight should be over whether or not we are going to commit to the process. Through the process you will eventually decide on whether or not to save the marriage or go separate ways. Trying to grind it out on your own is guaranteed disaster. Or getting help from someone who has never gone through it before who can’t understand either side with any significance, professionalism or expertise is also going to guarantee frustration.

If there was one hang up Samantha and I had when we first started out in our recovery, it was that we didn...

, 11 years 2 months ago

Often times, when confronted with discovery or the early beginnings of recovery, many think they will be dealing with this infidelity the rest of their lives.

The unfaithful believes and fears they will be a doormat and reminded of their failings and shortcomings the rest of the marriage, and sees little hope to stay dedicated. The betrayed wonders if they can ever trust their mate again, and fears they will have to resort to all sorts of tracking devices, accountability measures and the like. They also wonder if it’s really worth it to make someone want to be with them in the first place.

On the front end of recovery, the darkness is far more prevalent than light. It’s almost impossible to see the light at the end of the tunnel. We create a tunnel that is so long, so...

, 11 years 2 months ago

If you don’t believe in God or any sort of divine plan, you may not grab hold of this post too tightly.  That’s OK, and I hope you keep reading. You still may see some things in a new light. At the very least, I hope you can see there just may be available grace to your recovery that you’re not truly aware of yet.

I lived in a secret for over two years. A public personality, alleged to be of superb moral character, only to be exposed literally overnight, disappointing a large sea of people. Relationships Samantha and I had built for over 12 years were seemingly gone and dissolved in an instant. To this day, I’m still somewhat amazed by how rapidly we were isolated.  

When I was about 27 years old, I began to pastor and speak at several churches across the...

, 11 years 2 months ago

My wife, Samantha, was not going to sit and wait to see if I pursued recovery. I guess it’s better said that she’d wait and see how I handled myself early on in discovery and the beginning stages of recovery, and see if I was really serious about saving our marriage. If I wasn’t, she would end things.  

She really wasn’t sure if I still wanted to be with my affair partner, regardless of what I said to her. She actually wasn’t even able to believe that I truly wanted to be with her, considering the last two years of my behavior. After over two years of serious emotional and physical contact and living a double life, there was no reason to believe me at all.

Unfortunately, many times a betrayed spouse will wait and see how the unfaithful responds, then take action...

, 11 years 2 months ago

My recent posts on the detox process have stirred many who have reached out privately.  Having said that, I think we’ll continue on this topic and see where it goes.  Though complicated, I hope there is some insight which comes from my own experiences and observations.  Someone asked me why I write. Besides Rick asking me to, I simply said, “To give voice to the hurt and pain I caused by my terrible decisions and hope that somehow God can use my mess to help heal others and make sense out of what they may be going through right now.”

It’s very common for a betrayed spouse, when walking through their spouse’s detoxing phase, to place expectations upon them.  I think it’s a critical mistake to put unreasonable expectations upon someone who is unhealthy, self-...

, 11 years 2 months ago

I’ll never forget talking to a friend of mine early on in recovery, and I said to him candidly, “I’m still thinking about my affair partner all the time.”  Having gone through it before, he very pointedly, but graciously said to me “Samuel, if you said you weren’t thinking about her, I’d call you a liar.”  It’s part of the ripping away.  He went on to say “It takes time and it takes consistency, and doing exactly what you’re doing:  being open with another man about what you’re dealing with.”

Fact is my friends, and I know a ton of you are betrayed spouses, that if your spouse says they are not thinking about their affair partner (when it was a long affair, over a consistent period of time and they have broken it off fairly recently) then they probably are...

, 11 years 2 months ago

When launching out into recovery, one must have an anchor.  The chaos and the confusion of it all can be overwhelming and exasperating.  Not all days are tumultuous, but early on I’m willing to bet you’ll have more chaotic and depressing days, than comforting and reassuring days.  Even now, several years later, I have a few rock solid anchors in my life to help keep me attached, grounded and safe for all the important relationships in my life.

What anchors do you have in your life?  Are there any right now?

If you're early on in recovery, unfortunately your affair partner or addiction may have been your anchor. It's what kept you sane, and kept you from imploding on your spouse, family or difficulty in life.

My affair partner in...

, 11 years 2 months ago

To borrow from both AA and the Twelve Steps, as well as Richard Rohr’s take on it, here is a fabulous quote which resonates with me and my own life:  

“Our troubles are basically of our own making. They arise out of ourselves; and the alcoholic is an extreme example of self-will run riot, though he or she does not think so. Above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness. We must or it kills us!”

Several years ago, mid-affair, my life was about me; how everyone was to relate to me, how Samantha was to please me, and how my own little world had me at the center of it. Even while serving others, somehow it very easily became about me. I was sick. Sick and unable to see how lost I was.

I’m truly in awe at how easy it is to...

, 11 years 3 months ago

am·biv·a·lence--the state of having mixed feelings or contradictory ideas about something or someone

Ambivalence can also be defined as ‘being of two minds.’ Or in a general sense, “I want to, but I don’t want to.”

In recovery, ambivalence can be a very common denominator for the unfaithful. It’s not always there, but when it is it’s altogether excruciating for the betrayed. An unfaithful spouse may not want to talk about their deep-seated ambivalence, for fear of being hammered upon or ‘shamed’ if they were to disclose it. But it’s there. Deep in the inner resources of their heart and mind, it’s there, trying to eat away at their resolve and their hope.

I certainly didn’t...

, 11 years 3 months ago

Triggers can be excruciating. They can steal away your quality of life. Triggers position unresolved emotions and unforgiveness to annihilate any situation which should be enjoyable or at the very least organic.

Without taking anything away from the pain of triggers experienced by betrayed spouses, I want to make it known that unfaithful spouses suffer from triggers as well, albeit at our own hands.

Just last week, Samantha did something that triggered me in a way that was both alarming and infuriating. I had to remove myself from the situation to get my feelings in check for fear that I would lash out.

In the blink of an eye I was transported back to long forgotten feelings of rejection, insecurity and a deep desire to feel affirmed.  My anger at my perceived...

, 11 years 3 months ago

Triggers are typically associated with the betrayed spouse.

Research shows that early in recovery, the betrayed spouse encounters between 75 and 110 different reminders of the affair every day. They can be incapacitating and overpowering, making it almost impossible for hurt spouses to reclaim any stable ground.

Samantha encountered thousands of reminders, and the courage and perseverance it took to press through them was monumental. The good news is they do dissipate over time and they can be diffused when you get the right kind of help. (Harboring Hope was a great asset for Samantha.)

Unfaithful spouse, when you are aware of your mate encountering a reminder, choose humility and own the moment as an immediate first step. Something that worked for me was to...

, 11 years 3 months ago

 

Deciphering what was real and what was fantasy is incredibly clear….now.

Back then however, in the middle of the mess, things were foggy, confusing and about as fantastical as they could be. This is a normal point of crisis and confusion for any unfaithful spouse as they face duplicity and double lives.

Real life was hard. From the fights with Samantha, to constant miscommunication to the rejection I felt from her romantically and sexually. She was just never happy with me and I could never do enough.

The affair however, was filled with incredible happiness, understanding and sexual fulfillment. My affair partner never rejected me, always wanted me, and almost always understood my feelings and concerns. I understood her and always seemed to have...

, 11 years 3 months ago

I hate to fail. At anything. It ruins me, one could say. Being a performance driven individual, and growing up under a reward-driven system of affection, I’ve always been a very driven, performance based individual.

An odd disconnect though, is that I had never been consumed with succeeding at marriage, but only succeeding at my traveling schedule, financial stability, investing and personal accolades.

When I failed at my marriage I failed big. I’m not sure I could have failed in a bigger way than I did.

When really began to grasp what I had done to my wife Samantha and so many others, it was almost incapacitating. Getting healthy meant walking through my pain at first.

They say the truth will set you free, but first it will make you incredibly...

, 11 years 3 months ago

“You cannot heal what you do not first acknowledge.” Richard Rohr

The truth of this quote still strikes me even after years of recovery.

Just today I’ve had to name my struggles. Pride for one. It’s not ‘feeling insecure’ or left out or disrespected. It’s pride. When I honestly name what I’m feeling or experiencing, I can step into a personal recovery plan. This means isolating what’s really going on. It helps me see what I’m truly feeling and that my pride is just a reaction to what I am feeling. I realize I’m trying to medicate my true, inner feelings. I am feeling insecure, left out and disrespected. Those are facts. But for each of them, I can take steps of self-care once I realize the root: pride....

, 11 years 4 months ago

Rick’s recent article, found here: http://affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/infidelity-and-transition-stages-the-mystery-of-change, is brilliant, but poignant for both sides of the affair. It’s relatively easy to understand why a betrayed spouse would need to grieve.  After all, life will never be the same again, and life has been changed forever.  It’s not un-repairable, but the fact remains, understanding why the betrayed spouse would grieve is rather easily comprehensible.

Grieving for the unfaithful is paramount as well.  For me, I had to grieve for what my affair did to Samantha and also what it had done to so many other people.  You may not be a public personality, but at one time I was, and in a high profile position.  My...

, 11 years 4 months ago

I’ve written on relapse before, but today I’d like to ask the question, which so many ask which is, whether or not relapse is inevitable?   I will tell you there are varying, differing opinions on it for sure and I’m not sure that I think anyone is per se the expert on relapse besides maybe Rick Reynolds.

Some say it’s absolutely inevitable.  If they cheated, they will eventually cheat again, but in what degree or what stage is what is undeterminable, and the best you can do is shore up their recovery plan, and the betrayed spouse’s recovery plan, and hope for the best.

Some say, no, not necessarily.  That a good, strong, recovery process is what will prevent them from falling again and there is hope of it never happening again. 

All I...

, 11 years 4 months ago

Many times during our discussions early on in the recovery process, even after we met Rick by the way, anger was a normal part of our lives.  We were smart to never let it fully unleash in front of the kids who were pretty young at the time, but it was there:  simmering….waiting for a chance to manifest.

It wasn’t uncommon for me to get angry when Samantha wanted to talk about it.  I didn’t always show it, but internally, I was about to burst.  I don’t know if anger was the most definitive term, but perhaps better, more descriptive words would be short, trite and borderline uncooperative. 

I genuinely felt terrible about what I did.  I felt like I was a complete failure and had let down so many, including myself.  Let’s face it; I did...

, 11 years 4 months ago

During the very first few weeks after disclosure, Samantha and I were dealing with a hellish situation. I can’t go much into it, but there came a time that Samantha was convinced I was lying about a few key details.  I had lived a lie for about two years now, and for the first time, I was in fact coming clean with all the details.  

Somewhere along the way though, it came to critical mass and she was convinced I was not being honest about the truth regarding some pretty far off allegations and rumors.  She devised a bit of a plan to trick me into telling the truth and she set me up.  Yes she was grasping, and yes she was desperate, so looking back I don’t fault her at all.  Back then, that was a different story as I was far from healthy and even...

, 11 years 4 months ago

It’s a common understanding; we just don’t want to talk about what makes us feel uncomfortable or ashamed. We certainly don’t want to talk about our failures, unless we’ve experienced a great deal of healing for those failures. Early on in our recovery, I made the mistake of saying to Samantha several times “Let’s not talk about this anymore. Let’s start over, move on, and save us!”

What a great heart’s intent right? Who wouldn’t love that? Sounds sincere enough right?

What I thought I was conveying was “I want to be with you, and I’m willing to work on the marriage at all costs.” But what I was conveying was, as long as we don’t talk about the affair or how I failed and I am ready to get healthy (as long as we talk about you and not me) and here we go, off to the next...

, 11 years 5 months ago

If you were to meet me about 8 years ago, I’d tell you I was a completely different person. More importantly, my wife Samantha who is probably the best judge of what type of a person I was and am now, will tell you, she had a special cuss word for me. It’s not uncommon that we’ll have a jovial moment together in the kitchen or in bed where she’ll say I’m so glad you’re not the ******* you used to be, and I’ll reply with I’m so glad you’re not the ***** you used to be either. And we’ll laugh pretty hysterically. I know, for some of you in crisis right now, it’s a reach. But if we can get there I’m quite sure you can too.

Now I don’t recommend this banter without incredible healing and restoration for...

, 11 years 5 months ago

I’ll never forget a lunch I was having with a couple who eventually became like mentors to Samantha and I.  Samantha wasn’t there but I was venting a bit and talking to them very openly about my anger and bitterness and unmet needs which I felt led to the affair in the first place. 

They listened and graciously I might add.  I say graciously, as the fact is, I’m not quite sure how they stomached my deception and lunacy.  But finally, he had had enough add said, “Samuel, are you done yet?”

Laughingly I said, “Oh, yes, I’m sorry” and chuckled. 

It was at this moment that he led me by the hand and took me to the proverbial woodshed of sobriety and awareness of what an idiot (to put it lightly) I was...

, 11 years 5 months ago

Samantha prayed for years for our situation to change. Sadly, it never would till that obscure day, several years ago in August. Life would come crashing down in an instant. Life as we knew it would be radically changed not just overnight but forever. 

Friends, relationships, our house, income, you name it: gone overnight after being exposed.

Our situation was dysfunctional at best and was riddled with deception, justification, codependency, blindness and turmoil. No different than many, if not all of you, I’m quite sure.

I’ll never forget one day when Samantha was talking in Rick’s office and she began to weep and say, “I had prayed for change for years, but didn’t want it to come this way……but I’m forever...

, 11 years 5 months ago

If there is one thing we have learned through this mess that we have to keep going back to each year, it’s the concept of prioritization. No, this is not going to be a self-help post, or a menial approach to six steps to peace, etc. etc. It’s more about seeing the world and seeing the situation through the right lens of prioritization.

Let’s face it. My affair, and possibly yours, happened due in large part to me making everything else, and everyone else, a priority except my spouse. Work came first, people’s needs came first, my affair partner came first, and even my kids came first. Samantha was dead last in terms of genuine concern, focus and attentiveness. My boss and his family even had priority over her in many ways.

When we allow life to get...

, 11 years 5 months ago

Wikipedia defines courage as is the ability to confront fear, pain, danger, uncertainty, or intimidation.

There’s a school of thought that says it takes raw courage to move on from an affair and pursue life on your own without your spouse. The intimidation alone of heading out into the next chapter of your life or family without your spouse requires courage, and a willingness to stare fear in the face and move forward. This transition in life simply cannot be underscored enough.

However, it takes just as much courage (and some would say more) to face infidelity or addiction, and still choose to pursue your marriage while it’s enveloped in ashes and uncertainty. While there are many cases when a spouse is unwilling to make changes, or turn from their affair...

, 11 years 5 months ago

Along the road of recovery there will be immense frustration. Frustration at your spouse, frustration at circumstances, and hopefully, yes I said hopefully, frustration at even yourself.

I hate to be a downer but if you think recovery and the pursuit of restoration is always this joyous, redemptive season of renewed love and compassion, I'm sorry but it's far from that. If you also think you can go back to business as usual, friend, you are sadly mistaken. You and your spouse have just experienced great turmoil and destruction, and life doesn't just pick up and move right back on. (side note: life doesn't bow down to a desire to recovery either. Kids still fight, bills still come, sickness still happens, and peripheral drama amongst loved ones, family and work all...

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