Ending an Affair - Step One: Make the Decision Ending An Affair: A 6 Part Series Make the Decison Close the Door Lock the Door - Part One Lock the Door - Part Two Throw Away the Key Letting Go and Moving On Most Wayward Spouses See No Way Out My Story: Suicide seemed the only alternative for ending my affair. Not wanting to cause any further pain eliminated honesty as an alternative. Mostly, I didn't want to be seen as "the cheater". Snared by conflicting feelings, I wouldn't decide. Despair hung over me like dark storm clouds. I could see no way out. Failed attempts at ending the affair ignited feelings of hopelessness and left me feeling absolutely out of control. Crazy as it sounds, death seemed the best alternative. I know right from wrong. My head knew I needed to end it but my heart cried no. I felt responsible for my AP and wanted to protect her. My deception had no end. Here are just some of the mental traps I fell into: It felt I couldn't live without her and I feared the outcome of a separation. I had never experienced such extreme and desperate feelings. I was sure this was my one chance for happiness. I believed she was my soulmate. I even worried that letting go would result in someone else getting to experience the life I'd given up. If I stayed married would I remain forever miserable? Would it be the right decision or would I forever regret this decision? I began to catch glimpses of destruction in my future. More misery than I ever imagined flooded my life. If the affair was so great why was I so desperate? I finally understood I had no choice. I couldn't break free even if I wanted. My own efforts were not going to be enough. That reality guided me to the truth: I was ensnared in a fantasy of my own making. Reasons to abandon the marriage were bountiful, but reasons to stop the affair seemed unimaginable. Determined, I began ignoring my emotions and thinking of "Reasons to stop the affair". At the very least, I needed to make a definitive choice one way or the other. Make the Decision Step one in ending an affair is firmly deciding to end it. This is a unilateral decision made for you and by you. It is NOT based on an agreement between you and your AP. Joint decisions between you and your AP leave you in a covert alliance and provide reasons to check in to see how things are going. This must be an irreversible decision you make to get your life back. It's not the same as wishing you could want to want to break off the affair. That's a mindset I call "W3" (wishing you could want to want to break it off). Without firm resolve and a strategy, the allure of the feelings generated by the affair will draw you back. There can be no wishing. This decision is about breaking free and has to be final. An Uncertain Future Ambivalence is two diametrically opposed desires effectively canceling each other out. It is a state of homeostasis that leaves you 50/50 when it comes to infidelity. We're stuck because 50% of us want the right thing and 50% of us want what we want. The more resolute you are about ending an affair the stronger the tantrum from the other half. Anticipate the civil war that follows the decision to walk. The stronger your resolve, the stronger the internal tantrum. Voices in your head will tell you to run back to your AP and that you can't live without them. The internal tantrum will shout that you're making the worse mistake of your life. You must decide beforehand that the inevitable backlash is simply part of the process and do not waver. Your reasons for ending the relationship are still valid and this is the defining moment where you remind yourself of the promise of freedom you're seeking. Freedom will not come in the shadows of secrecy. After all, it's the secrecy and darkness which empowers our failures and addictions. Understand why the decision is difficult. This helps counter the voices telling you to give in and go back. For more information read "Why Breaking Up is Hard to Do". Compromising your morals and values doesn't lead to peace. If you're reading this article, there's a good chance you're compromising your beliefs. You may think you're taking the right path, but I generally find there's at least a sense of internal turmoil. If I'm at war within myself, I'm violating my core self by my decisions. Breaking off your affair may be one of the most difficult struggles of your life, but until the decision is made the battle never really begins. Next Steps to End an Affair Seek out expert help from those who have walked down this road before and who are experts. Decide to be resolute, unlike any other time of your life. As of this moment the affair becomes not optional. Consider writing a cold-hard-truth letter to yourself on why you need to end the affair. Be blunt. Be straightforward. Put it away and read it later, time and time again. Tell someone you trust, who is a safe person and who will give you support about your decision. Share with them why you've made the decision and what they can do to help. Consider our Hope for Healing course and finding those who can walk with you in your recovery. You're not alone in your struggle, and you don't have to be alone in your recovery. Next we'll explore how to inform your affair partner that it's over. If you have been betrayed consider attending Hope Rising: A One-Day Conference for Betrayed Spouses. You can also sign up to live stream the event if you are unable to attend live in Austin, TX. Sections: Must ReadNewsletterFounder's LaptopFree ResourcesHot Off the PressDescriptions: For the unfaithful spouseRL_Category: Breaking Off The AffairFor the Unfaithful SpouseRL_Media Type: Text
