In reality, individuals trapped in affairs, or sexual addictions, are ambivalent about their actions. Part of them wants to leave the marriage, while the other part feels badly about leaving. These two sides effectively cancel each other out. It's not a matter of not caring; instead, it is a matter of caring a great deal about two mutually exclusive things. Harry's problem wasn't a lack of cocaine, but rather a loss of vision. He was focused on the wrong thing. Harry either lost sight of what had motivated him to quit in the first place, or he never established solid reasons for not using. I reminded him of his original motivations, which were just as valid as they had been on the day he entered recovery. It was just in that particular moment that his emotions were overriding both his good judgment, as well as his ability to recall his motivations. When trapped in the two-pronged dilemma of the "want to's" and the "ought to's," there has to be a majority of motivators on one side or the other if you are ever going to break free. Our dark side will always be capable of providing plenty of reasons for the "want to's," but it's difficult in the heat of emotion to think of reasons we know are good and right.

My goal in this series is to provide a list of sound reasons for ending these destructive behaviors. Once consumed by the emotions of an affair or sexual addiction, your ability to identify positive motivators will naturally be impaired. Here are a number of items that have been helpful for my clients throughout the years. As you wrestle with what to do, you'll find it helpful to keep these, as well as other personal motivators, available for review at those times when emotions are in danger of overriding reason. You may want to write some of them down and keep them handy.

The 31 Reasons: 1-10

1. Your baggage never gets lost in transit—it always shows up at your new destination.

This fact is sad, but true. The myth that the grass is always greener on the other side is just that—a myth. The belief that a geographic fix will cure your misery is only an indication of deluded victim-thinking. Your mate isn't your problem. Rather, your mate reveals the problems in you. If you eliminate your mate, all you've done is temporarily remove the spotlight illuminating your own defects of character. Once in a new long-term relationship, the light will once again shine on your weaknesses. Why choose a solution that doesn't address the problem? That is the same as putting gas in your car, when the engine is out of oil. The action doesn't address the problem. Why don't you start by trying to discover what is driving your life, as well as why you keep making harmful and destructive choices? There is a solution, but it's not in an affair.

2. "I don't think we're in Kansas anymore, Toto."

3. Emotional decisions are never our best decisions.

If you don't believe that emotional decisions are never our best decisions, consider the times you've made an emotional buying decision. How many of those decisions have been your best? If you're like me, the majority of those choices have been serious mistakes because when lost in emotions, we lose the ability to be rational. Who can deny the power of the emotions experienced in an affair or sexual addiction? I have seen wise, grown men who I greatly respect do things that are totally insane. In fact, in society, we make excuses for those who are "in love" and label their insane behavior as "romantic," when in reality, family and fortune are being sacrificed for this make believe "true love." Interestingly enough, we laugh pityingly at people caught in the snare of greed who fall prey to the wiles of a con artist. We commit to never allow ourselves to be so duped as to lose large sums of money on obvious scams; however, the same emotional forces that seduce those vulnerable individuals are the very ones that ensnare those involved in affairs and addictions. In the midst of an affair, sane and logical individuals begin to experience feelings that far exceed normal emotional states. And in such states, we make radical and irrational decisions about the future, decisions that affect not only our lives, but also the lives of those who are connected to us. It's frightening to have to live with the consequences of decisions made in a state of virtual insanity.

4. People almost always "affair down."

This is an axiom I have observed over the past twenty years of studying and working with affairs. I have never seen a situation where I felt an individual "affaired-up"—meaning that they ended up with a better person. It may seem like a better decision at the time, but it will prove it to be a step down. A dear friend of mine once shared a close call he had with a woman in his study group at church. He said that he had been aware of the spark between the two of them for some time, but had pushed away the reality of their synergy until one night when they found themselves alone. He told me, "Rick, she was so beautiful, and she truly cared about me and wanted me. It was the moment of truth. I looked at her, took a deep breath and told her I didn't know what she thought was going to happen, but this was going nowhere, and I walked away. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done, but there's one thing that had confused me: you'd always talked about the fact that people affair down. Now I understand. I can finally see how I would have been "affairing down" if I had chosen her, because although she may have been more physically beautiful than my wife, in terms of maturity, character, integrity, intelligence, loyalty, spirituality, and those types of character traits, she was no match for Carol. " Open your eyes: there is no such thing as a move up when it comes to an affair.

5. You'll stunt your growth.

Marriage is God's primary tool for growing people. It is in the marital relationship that a person stands to gain and lose the most. It is where someone has the most opportunity to grow in their capacity to love, and to be loved. It is true that amidst an affair, you may be receiving an abundance of accommodation, appreciation, adoration, affection, and affirmation; but getting your needs for nurturance met through an illicit affair isn't going to produce maturity (or a successful long-term relationship). In fact, the love generated in an affair is not love at all, though it may feel like it. It is an illusion. It is built around how that person makes you feel, not about how you truly feel about them. It consists of the belief that another holds the answer to your felt needs. True love, on the other hand, is the love you receive after your mate learns of your betrayal and chooses to love you anyway. Growth comes from embracing the difficult situations in your life and having both the courage and fortitude to face them—not by avoiding a challenging situation.

6. No man is an island.

I am astounded by the rationalization used by many involved in affairs that their mate won't care, or that their mate will be better off if the marriage is abandoned. What makes you think you're so insignificant? The reality is, what you do will literally alter the course of their remaining years. Among other things, your affair affects their ability to trust, it destroys dreams of a life with you, it forces them into decisions they never wanted to make, and it robs them of the opportunity of learning how to be in relationship with you and how to grow beyond themselves by loving you. It strips them of their choices. Ultimately, it will literally stunt their growth as well as your own. And that's just the effect it has on your spouse! It will also profoundly impact your family and friends, and will create any number of difficult situations for them to navigate. Are you being so selfish because you think only of your misery without considering the misery you are about to create in the lives of those who care about you?

7. It is a trap.

What the world tells us regarding the wonderful outcome of affairs is a lie—plain and simple. If you look at the research done on affairs, you will see there is seldomly a successful outcome, and people who so eagerly rush into affairs more often than not get trapped in a situation from which they have a hard time getting away (remember the movie, Fatal Attraction?). What looked enticing and exciting at the beginning can become a web that drains the life energy away from you and the people you love. For example, second marriages are more likely to end in divorce than first marriages. Why would yours be the exception?

8. Don't call it love.

Affairs are based on romanticism, not real love. Romanticism always consists of the dynamic of two individuals longing to be together, but are kept separate by life's circumstances. Romanticism can only apply to love outside of marriage, and the ingredients always consist of secrecy and mystery (such as the secret glances or stolen opportunities). Romanticized relationships, therefore, have a premarital or extra-marital association. Poets rarely write of the romantic love of marriage, the care required for children, or the mutuality of love in old age. Romanticized love by its own definition is something "beyond" or "out of this world" which cannot be contained in the defined walls of a marriage. The theme never differs; it is always the same song with a different verse. Consider the great romantic plots through the ages, such as Romeo and Juliet, Wuthering Heights, or movies like You've got Mail or Pretty Woman. There are endless examples, all with the same theme of two individuals searching for the fulfillment of love and longing to be together, but whose efforts are tragically foiled by circumstances. Even more telling is what happens at the end of these stories, when they finally manage to come together. The curtain falls, the movie ends and the sitcom goes off the air. Such is the outcome of the vast majority of affairs.

9. Field of dreams.

Unfortunately, certain types of passion have the tendency to spend themselves quickly. Romanticized love and holding out for the possibility of perpetual passion raises unrealistic expectations. When little or no passion is experienced and the embers have cooled, many people think their marriage has failed and begin to look for the exit sign. The advent of the fading embers is not the indicator of a failed marriage, but rather the beginning of the transition to the next stage of the relationship—a place where true unselfish love and real passion can begin to develop.

10. Romance can be hazardous to your health.

There is no high more potent than the feeling generated by an affair. The reunion of affair partners after a season of absence produces overwhelming feelings. The sky is bluer, the sun shines brighter, the birds sing louder, and all seems well in life. You and your partner are cloaked in ecstasy; the world, as you know it, ceases to exist. All that is real in that moment is you and your partner. Gone are the worries of the world and the pressures of life. For in that brief moment of time there are no concerns—only bliss. Who doesn't want to experience that type of high? But it never lasts! Reality sets in, and the temporary escape from life's problems end. Just like a heroin addict, the next day comes and all of life's problems not only come flooding back, but get worse–or at least–more complicated. One of the interesting dynamics of addictive behavior is the "bubble effect." There is a tremendous high that comes from your drug of choice, but that feeling is temporary and leaves you wanting more. As time passes, you become obsessed with the thought of your next opportunity to escape. In fact, that obsession can become so intense that it is all you can think about. There seems to be relief from the anticipation itself, but as the process plays out, you actually lose the ability to experience life in the moment. You become so future-oriented, you lose the ability to enjoy what is around you now. In fact, the life you are living is now filled with misery because you cannot be with the one you want. You end up living in a bubble of misery until you can once again experience your drug of choice. You can lose all of the joy of living as a result of craving the high.

If you're feeling trapped by an addiction or affair, you should try our Hope for Healing course. Group settings have been proven to be more effective than traditional counseling. Find ways to cope with your guilt and shame while experiencing a community that truly "gets it."

If you're feeling overwhelmed by the grief of finding out about your partner's addiction or affair, Harboring Hope is a great place for you. Our registration opens today at noon CST, and typically sells out within 1-2 hours. You won't regret working on your own healing during this difficult time.