Was the Sex So Much Better in Their Affair? Many of you out there have struggled or are struggling with the thought of comparing the intimacy or sex between your spouse and the affair partner versus the intimacy or sex you had as married spouses. One of the most difficult and painful parts of working through the fallout after an affair is this idea that somehow sex within an affair is "so much better" than what you had or experienced in your marriage. These thoughts can be overwhelming for different reasons. The affair partner's age. If the affair partner is younger, there is an illusion that their youth, energy, and vibrancy made it better. If the affair partner is older, there is an illusion that there is more experience and wisdom. This doesn't make it true, but it does create an image that the sex was somehow better with them. The perceived image or physical appearance of the affair partner. The perceived image or physical attributes of the affair partner—different color hair, eyes, height, or body style—can give the illusion that sex was better with them. The affair partner having something in common that the betrayed spouse does not. For instance, maybe they worked together or shared a hobby in common that you don't with your mate. This idea that they shared something in common can lead to the illusion that sex was better with them. The reasons may not have anything to do with the actual physical acts that occurred within an affair. But as we always say, our minds can be our very worst enemy, and these thoughts can lead to this idea and illusion that somehow, the sex had to have been better. Nothing will cut your legs off, so to speak, and cause a rip tide of insecurity or inadequacy than being betrayed. The pain of it will make it hard to accurately view the situation of what really happened, and you will be tempted to view it from a position of being "one down." This is not true. Cover more ground faster with the life-changing experience of EMS Weekend for couples. Learn More | EMS Weekend One of the most heartbreaking parts of working with betrayed spouses is witnessing the emotional fallout and pain caused by constant comparisons, like wondering if the sex was better with someone else. However, we often find that what your partner did with their body with the other person has nothing to do with you. It's here in this moment of pain that it will be important to separate the idea of intercourse, arousal, and desire. Oftentimes, when we think about sex, we define that as intercourse. But sex is so much more, which is why it's important to pause here and talk about desire. When we think about desire, let's think about what we see in the movies. So many times, we have this edited scene where there's a beautiful woman pursued by someone, and then they have this spontaneous rolling-into-bed moment and it all seems amazing. Tragically, since we don't ever see married sex in movies, we don't have an image of steamy hot monogamy in our minds. Instead, we see the woman roll over the next morning to find a rose and a note on the pillow from last night's lover. Go back with me for a moment and think about what we experienced at the start of our marriages or even during our dating relationships. Did you ever notice that you had this intense desire just to be close to your person? All we wanted was to touch, kiss, or be near them all the time! It was really spontaneous. We did not have to work at it. It just happened. Now, biologically and chemically, oxytocin was really what was happening. It was this survival desire, right? As humans we are trying to evolve and not go extinct. But notice again, we didn't have to work at it. The desire did not have to be created. The desire just "was." How many of you had very little problems having a lot of sex in the beginning of your marriage or relationship? Probably not. This was no accident. It's how God created us. What contributes to that high desire in the beginning of ANY relationship is precisely that we are being stimulated with a lot of attention, intentionality, and emotional connection. We were attuned to one another. We were on high alert. Remember when we started dating, the goal really wasn't sex. It was enough just to be near them. Kissing and making out just added fuel for the desire. I grew up in West Texas in the '80s. Back in those days the cars and the pickups all had bench seats. You could always tell when people were dating because of where they sat in the vehicle. Those dating sat near each other, using the middle seat next to the driver. That was as close as they could get to each other. They had to be near each other; it was their desire. Sadly, all the same kinds of fuel set off the kind of desire that happens in an affair. Like teenagers sneaking out in the middle of the night, the excitement of the unexpected causes desire to skyrocket. I know it's painful to think about, but bear with me. We need to understand that sex in a long-term committed relationship is meant to be different because safe relationships are different and, by the way, always better. For those who have recommitted to their marriage relationship, you need those SAME KIND of activities to spark your sexual desire in a long-term committed relationship. It just doesn't happen naturally—it isn't supposed to. It is hard to create that kind of desire in the midst of full-time jobs, kids, grandkids, aging parents, health issues, cleaning toilets, feeding the dog. You get the picture. And while it may be hard, it's not impossible. If you are trying to repair or heal your marriage after an affair, it is important you continue to look at safety first. Safety takes a lot of time to restore. Women need to feel very safe emotionally before being able to accept touch, experience desire, and achieve arousal. This isn't true just for women. It could be for both betrayed and the unfaithful , whether male or female. So, take your time. Commit to safety. Allow yourself to embrace the idea that sex may look different for a while and that's okay. We have to let go of the old. We have to let go of what was. We have to start again. Yes, sex can be clumsy. It can be awkward. It can be full of stops, starts, and inconvenient interruptions. You're going to feel some anxiety. That's normal. It's going to require vulnerability. Expect that. It's going to be really hard. You may need a season of abstinence before you feel safe enough to re-engage physically. I encourage you if you're struggling in this area to start small. Stay open. Talk about it. Work on initiating desire with explorative touch that does not obligate the other to intercourse. Remember, none of us will ever meet all the needs and expectations of our spouse in this area, nor are they ever supposed to meet ours at all times. The notion that sex is supposed to ALWAYS be exciting, rather than a safe and mutual loving connection is a myth. The ordinary can be meaningful. So, stay at this. Take the small steps toward rebuilding your life together. It's going to be worth it! Sections: NewsletterFree ResourcesHot Off the PressRL_Category: Intrusive ThoughtsRecovery FundamentalsSafety in RecoverySexual HealingRL_Media Type: Video
