Today we are going to have a conversation about sex and intimacy. If you are anything like me, this is a difficult conversation to have, especially with our mate.

No other part of our lives is more personal than sex.

As a female, it still baffles me that in this very century and decade, we are STILL trying to undo so many myths out there regarding our female gender, our bodies, and our view of sexuality.

Only as females do we know the complexity of our bodies, experiences, and our sexuality. There is a piece of me that gets frustrated, even angry, that so much of the research out there about a woman's body and her sexuality has been conducted and written by men. This is not because men aren't helpful, nor do they not have our best interest at heart. I love some of the wisdom they pour into us, and I know we can learn from what they have to say.

The part of me that I hope we can all identify with today, is that we need women talking about women's issues. Only women know and experience the complexity of womens bodies.

Ladies, think about for a moment, what our bodies go through biologically in a lifetime. Only women can recall what it was like for us to have our first menstrual cycle, what the conversation was like when it happened, and how that experience began to define us sexually. We understand what it has been like to go through that cycle, sometimes with pain, every month of our lives. Only women go through pregnancy, the pain of childbirth, and sometimes, the pain and grief of a miscarriage or infertility. Then there's breastfeeding. After all of this trauma to our bodies, then we go through this thing called menopause where everything slows down. It goes without saying that with all the complexities and different facets our bodies go through, we need to take into account how it affects us as sexual beings. My hope is that we can start to appreciate the wonder of who we are in light of that complexity.

This is not in any way meant to downplay you men out there, especially those who might be reading this. We cannot and should not disregard your sexual identities either. I simply want to highlight that a woman's entire sexuality is very complex. Our bodies are always changing and I dont think we can appreciate that enough.

So, what does all this have to do with infidelity? If we struggled with sex before the infidelity, it's going to hold the most shame after infidelity. It's going to be the place that will elicit the most triggers and comparisons.

For women who have been betrayed sexually, the thought we hear over and over again is, "How was I not enough? If I was enough, my mate would have not done this." As if people didn't feel insecure or inadequate at times before an affair, finding out your mate has betrayed you will often drive a nail into the coffin of feeling sexually inadequate.

For women who have been unfaithful and are attempting to reclaim their marriage relationship, there is typically so much shame and guilt over the things we have done in our affairs, especially if we did things we had never explored or enjoyed in own marriage beds. It is common for a woman to stay in a safe, fenced-in playground sexually in her marriage and act as if she is at Disney World sexually with her affair partner. There can be a tremendous amount of guilt and shame over the fact that a woman let herself be an object of desire and play the role as a seductress or temptress with her affair partner.

While the experiences of betrayed women and wayward women are very, very different, both can leave us with an overwhelming feeling of "What is wrong with me?" It is so easy for women to give in to the feeling that we might be broken.

I wished I'd have known so much more about sex and intimacy while growing up and when I was first married. I cant say for sure if it would have prevented my own acting out and unfaithfulness, but I can honestly say anything on the subject would have helped me.

How many of you had very little, if any, preparedness for sex or intimacy before you experienced it? For many of us, we expected that just because we got married, the sex and intimacy piece of marriage would just work itself out. I had no awareness of my own body or my own sexual experiences I had up until that point.

Take arousal for instance. How many of us have felt guilty about needing so much time for our bodies to become aroused? How many of us have felt broken because of an inability to reach climax or orgasm in a way we think we should?

I think so many of us feel guilty for the times we have tried to say no or simply avoided having to say no, not because we do not care, but because of an entire host of reasons that I didn't understand early in my marriage.

So many women have had a damned-if-you-do, damned-if-you-dont view of sex and pleasure. Meaning, we feel badly for saying no and we feel badly for unmet desires and longings we do have. Most of us haven't had any idea of what we actually want when it comes to sex, desire, and longings and often settle for what we believe is expected of us.

I never knew how to come forward vulnerably and ask my husband for what I needed to feel good. That would have built intimacy for sure.

So often, we find ourselves pulling away and staying silent or having sex while staying emotionally distant.

The hope I want to leave you with today is this. Whether betrayed or wayward, instead of feeling guilt about what you have done or are not yet ready to face sexually, can you start by appreciating your body's complexity and sexuality, despite what has happened?

Can you give yourself permission to be right where you are? Stop faking. Stop avoiding. Stop undervaluing yourself. Stop comparing. Today is the day you can start having vulnerable and real conversations with your marriage partner. Let go of the pressure; let go of the expectations. Join me in moving into a more authentic place in our healing.

If you want a more comprehensive discussion on this subject, please check out the interviews posted below this video from one of our Affair Recovery contributors, Dr. John Haney.