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As past participants, we want our walks through infidelity to bring hope, inspiration, and courage to your own journey.
, 11 years 1 month ago

I’ll never forget talking to a friend of mine early on in recovery, and I said to him candidly, “I’m still thinking about my affair partner all the time.”  Having gone through it before, he very pointedly, but graciously said to me “Samuel, if you said you weren’t thinking about her, I’d call you a liar.”  It’s part of the ripping away.  He went on to say “It takes time and it takes consistency, and doing exactly what you’re doing:  being open with another man about what you’re dealing with.”

Fact is my friends, and I know a ton of you are betrayed spouses, that if your spouse says they are not thinking about their affair partner (when it was a long affair, over a consistent period of time and they have broken it off fairly recently) then they probably are...

, 11 years 1 month ago

When launching out into recovery, one must have an anchor.  The chaos and the confusion of it all can be overwhelming and exasperating.  Not all days are tumultuous, but early on I’m willing to bet you’ll have more chaotic and depressing days, than comforting and reassuring days.  Even now, several years later, I have a few rock solid anchors in my life to help keep me attached, grounded and safe for all the important relationships in my life.

What anchors do you have in your life?  Are there any right now?

If you're early on in recovery, unfortunately your affair partner or addiction may have been your anchor. It's what kept you sane, and kept you from imploding on your spouse, family or difficulty in life.

My affair partner in...

, 11 years 1 month ago

To borrow from both AA and the Twelve Steps, as well as Richard Rohr’s take on it, here is a fabulous quote which resonates with me and my own life:  

“Our troubles are basically of our own making. They arise out of ourselves; and the alcoholic is an extreme example of self-will run riot, though he or she does not think so. Above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness. We must or it kills us!”

Several years ago, mid-affair, my life was about me; how everyone was to relate to me, how Samantha was to please me, and how my own little world had me at the center of it. Even while serving others, somehow it very easily became about me. I was sick. Sick and unable to see how lost I was.

I’m truly in awe at how easy it is to...

, 11 years 1 month ago

When my affair was exposed, I had to come clean. It certainly was not my choice to come clean on my own. I was threatened by the board of the organization I was working for that if I didn’t share the details with Samantha, they were going to approach her and tell her for me. I had 24 hours.

After sharing the details of my two and a half year affair, the anger in Samantha’s heart would be unparalleled. I had never seen her that angry, or that hurt, in my entire life. I hope to never encounter that “Samantha” ever again. She physically hit me a couple of times, as well as yelled, screamed, and cried seemingly non-stop. But she was there and decided to give me a chance.

To this day, friends as well as acquaintances who come to us for help ask her...

, 11 years 1 month ago

am·biv·a·lence--the state of having mixed feelings or contradictory ideas about something or someone

Ambivalence can also be defined as ‘being of two minds.’ Or in a general sense, “I want to, but I don’t want to.”

In recovery, ambivalence can be a very common denominator for the unfaithful. It’s not always there, but when it is it’s altogether excruciating for the betrayed. An unfaithful spouse may not want to talk about their deep-seated ambivalence, for fear of being hammered upon or ‘shamed’ if they were to disclose it. But it’s there. Deep in the inner resources of their heart and mind, it’s there, trying to eat away at their resolve and their hope.

I certainly didn’t...

, 11 years 2 months ago

Triggers can be excruciating. They can steal away your quality of life. Triggers position unresolved emotions and unforgiveness to annihilate any situation which should be enjoyable or at the very least organic.

Without taking anything away from the pain of triggers experienced by betrayed spouses, I want to make it known that unfaithful spouses suffer from triggers as well, albeit at our own hands.

Just last week, Samantha did something that triggered me in a way that was both alarming and infuriating. I had to remove myself from the situation to get my feelings in check for fear that I would lash out.

In the blink of an eye I was transported back to long forgotten feelings of rejection, insecurity and a deep desire to feel affirmed.  My anger at my perceived...

, 11 years 2 months ago

Triggers are typically associated with the betrayed spouse.

Research shows that early in recovery, the betrayed spouse encounters between 75 and 110 different reminders of the affair every day. They can be incapacitating and overpowering, making it almost impossible for hurt spouses to reclaim any stable ground.

Samantha encountered thousands of reminders, and the courage and perseverance it took to press through them was monumental. The good news is they do dissipate over time and they can be diffused when you get the right kind of help. (Harboring Hope was a great asset for Samantha.)

Unfaithful spouse, when you are aware of your mate encountering a reminder, choose humility and own the moment as an immediate first step. Something that worked for me was to...

, 11 years 2 months ago

 

Deciphering what was real and what was fantasy is incredibly clear….now.

Back then however, in the middle of the mess, things were foggy, confusing and about as fantastical as they could be. This is a normal point of crisis and confusion for any unfaithful spouse as they face duplicity and double lives.

Real life was hard. From the fights with Samantha, to constant miscommunication to the rejection I felt from her romantically and sexually. She was just never happy with me and I could never do enough.

The affair however, was filled with incredible happiness, understanding and sexual fulfillment. My affair partner never rejected me, always wanted me, and almost always understood my feelings and concerns. I understood her and always seemed to have...

, 11 years 2 months ago

I hate to fail. At anything. It ruins me, one could say. Being a performance driven individual, and growing up under a reward-driven system of affection, I’ve always been a very driven, performance based individual.

An odd disconnect though, is that I had never been consumed with succeeding at marriage, but only succeeding at my traveling schedule, financial stability, investing and personal accolades.

When I failed at my marriage I failed big. I’m not sure I could have failed in a bigger way than I did.

When really began to grasp what I had done to my wife Samantha and so many others, it was almost incapacitating. Getting healthy meant walking through my pain at first.

They say the truth will set you free, but first it will make you incredibly...

, 11 years 2 months ago

“You cannot heal what you do not first acknowledge.” Richard Rohr

The truth of this quote still strikes me even after years of recovery.

Just today I’ve had to name my struggles. Pride for one. It’s not ‘feeling insecure’ or left out or disrespected. It’s pride. When I honestly name what I’m feeling or experiencing, I can step into a personal recovery plan. This means isolating what’s really going on. It helps me see what I’m truly feeling and that my pride is just a reaction to what I am feeling. I realize I’m trying to medicate my true, inner feelings. I am feeling insecure, left out and disrespected. Those are facts. But for each of them, I can take steps of self-care once I realize the root: pride....

, 11 years 2 months ago

Rick’s recent article, found here: http://affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/infidelity-and-transition-stages-the-mystery-of-change, is brilliant, but poignant for both sides of the affair. It’s relatively easy to understand why a betrayed spouse would need to grieve.  After all, life will never be the same again, and life has been changed forever.  It’s not un-repairable, but the fact remains, understanding why the betrayed spouse would grieve is rather easily comprehensible.

Grieving for the unfaithful is paramount as well.  For me, I had to grieve for what my affair did to Samantha and also what it had done to so many other people.  You may not be a public personality, but at one time I was, and in a high profile position.  My...

, 11 years 3 months ago

I’ve written on relapse before, but today I’d like to ask the question, which so many ask which is, whether or not relapse is inevitable?   I will tell you there are varying, differing opinions on it for sure and I’m not sure that I think anyone is per se the expert on relapse besides maybe Rick Reynolds.

Some say it’s absolutely inevitable.  If they cheated, they will eventually cheat again, but in what degree or what stage is what is undeterminable, and the best you can do is shore up their recovery plan, and the betrayed spouse’s recovery plan, and hope for the best.

Some say, no, not necessarily.  That a good, strong, recovery process is what will prevent them from falling again and there is hope of it never happening again. 

All I...

, 11 years 3 months ago

Many times during our discussions early on in the recovery process, even after we met Rick by the way, anger was a normal part of our lives.  We were smart to never let it fully unleash in front of the kids who were pretty young at the time, but it was there:  simmering….waiting for a chance to manifest.

It wasn’t uncommon for me to get angry when Samantha wanted to talk about it.  I didn’t always show it, but internally, I was about to burst.  I don’t know if anger was the most definitive term, but perhaps better, more descriptive words would be short, trite and borderline uncooperative. 

I genuinely felt terrible about what I did.  I felt like I was a complete failure and had let down so many, including myself.  Let’s face it; I did...

, 11 years 3 months ago

During the very first few weeks after disclosure, Samantha and I were dealing with a hellish situation. I can’t go much into it, but there came a time that Samantha was convinced I was lying about a few key details.  I had lived a lie for about two years now, and for the first time, I was in fact coming clean with all the details.  

Somewhere along the way though, it came to critical mass and she was convinced I was not being honest about the truth regarding some pretty far off allegations and rumors.  She devised a bit of a plan to trick me into telling the truth and she set me up.  Yes she was grasping, and yes she was desperate, so looking back I don’t fault her at all.  Back then, that was a different story as I was far from healthy and even...

, 11 years 3 months ago

It’s a common understanding; we just don’t want to talk about what makes us feel uncomfortable or ashamed. We certainly don’t want to talk about our failures, unless we’ve experienced a great deal of healing for those failures. Early on in our recovery, I made the mistake of saying to Samantha several times “Let’s not talk about this anymore. Let’s start over, move on, and save us!”

What a great heart’s intent right? Who wouldn’t love that? Sounds sincere enough right?

What I thought I was conveying was “I want to be with you, and I’m willing to work on the marriage at all costs.” But what I was conveying was, as long as we don’t talk about the affair or how I failed and I am ready to get healthy (as long as we talk about you and not me) and here we go, off to the next...

, 11 years 3 months ago

If you were to meet me about 8 years ago, I’d tell you I was a completely different person. More importantly, my wife Samantha who is probably the best judge of what type of a person I was and am now, will tell you, she had a special cuss word for me. It’s not uncommon that we’ll have a jovial moment together in the kitchen or in bed where she’ll say I’m so glad you’re not the ******* you used to be, and I’ll reply with I’m so glad you’re not the ***** you used to be either. And we’ll laugh pretty hysterically. I know, for some of you in crisis right now, it’s a reach. But if we can get there I’m quite sure you can too.

Now I don’t recommend this banter without incredible healing and restoration for...

, 11 years 3 months ago

I’ll never forget a lunch I was having with a couple who eventually became like mentors to Samantha and I.  Samantha wasn’t there but I was venting a bit and talking to them very openly about my anger and bitterness and unmet needs which I felt led to the affair in the first place. 

They listened and graciously I might add.  I say graciously, as the fact is, I’m not quite sure how they stomached my deception and lunacy.  But finally, he had had enough add said, “Samuel, are you done yet?”

Laughingly I said, “Oh, yes, I’m sorry” and chuckled. 

It was at this moment that he led me by the hand and took me to the proverbial woodshed of sobriety and awareness of what an idiot (to put it lightly) I was...

, 11 years 3 months ago

Samantha prayed for years for our situation to change. Sadly, it never would till that obscure day, several years ago in August. Life would come crashing down in an instant. Life as we knew it would be radically changed not just overnight but forever. 

Friends, relationships, our house, income, you name it: gone overnight after being exposed.

Our situation was dysfunctional at best and was riddled with deception, justification, codependency, blindness and turmoil. No different than many, if not all of you, I’m quite sure.

I’ll never forget one day when Samantha was talking in Rick’s office and she began to weep and say, “I had prayed for change for years, but didn’t want it to come this way……but I’m forever...

, 11 years 3 months ago

If there is one thing we have learned through this mess that we have to keep going back to each year, it’s the concept of prioritization. No, this is not going to be a self-help post, or a menial approach to six steps to peace, etc. etc. It’s more about seeing the world and seeing the situation through the right lens of prioritization.

Let’s face it. My affair, and possibly yours, happened due in large part to me making everything else, and everyone else, a priority except my spouse. Work came first, people’s needs came first, my affair partner came first, and even my kids came first. Samantha was dead last in terms of genuine concern, focus and attentiveness. My boss and his family even had priority over her in many ways.

When we allow life to get...

, 11 years 4 months ago

Wikipedia defines courage as is the ability to confront fear, pain, danger, uncertainty, or intimidation.

There’s a school of thought that says it takes raw courage to move on from an affair and pursue life on your own without your spouse. The intimidation alone of heading out into the next chapter of your life or family without your spouse requires courage, and a willingness to stare fear in the face and move forward. This transition in life simply cannot be underscored enough.

However, it takes just as much courage (and some would say more) to face infidelity or addiction, and still choose to pursue your marriage while it’s enveloped in ashes and uncertainty. While there are many cases when a spouse is unwilling to make changes, or turn from their affair...

, 11 years 4 months ago

Along the road of recovery there will be immense frustration. Frustration at your spouse, frustration at circumstances, and hopefully, yes I said hopefully, frustration at even yourself.

I hate to be a downer but if you think recovery and the pursuit of restoration is always this joyous, redemptive season of renewed love and compassion, I'm sorry but it's far from that. If you also think you can go back to business as usual, friend, you are sadly mistaken. You and your spouse have just experienced great turmoil and destruction, and life doesn't just pick up and move right back on. (side note: life doesn't bow down to a desire to recovery either. Kids still fight, bills still come, sickness still happens, and peripheral drama amongst loved ones, family and work all...

, 11 years 5 months ago

I’ll never forget when the leaders of the organization I worked for during my affair practically bribed Samantha to divorce me when it all came out.  Some of these executives, if you will, were friends of mine for about 10 years who had been through all kinds of life experiences together, all to see them completely turn on me, my wife, and even my kids. They had helped dedicate and baptize my kids. They had been there with me at my greatest accomplishments. I had helped them in their greatest times and their worst times. Instead of rallying behind me, they ran away as fast as they could, considered me dead and even had personal funerals for our relationship. True story!

Through a few sources I also heard they said my wife, Samantha, was “mentally off” for being willing to...

, 11 years 5 months ago

Many, who fall, including myself, will confess to eventually feeling like a slave to the affair partner or addiction. Before we know it, what once was an adrenaline filled endeavor, full of excitement and dark, thrilling passion, eventually becomes slavery. The elation and electricity of it all, fades, then slowly but surely turns to dread, regret, and sometimes even disdain. Disdain for ourselves, the affair partner and even our spouse.  

As we continue in our duplicity, the shame and condemnation become overwhelming and we find it seemingly impossible to break out of the pattern we’ve created. Quite honestly, we walk right into where we end up. Somewhere along the way of life, we made a group of small, seemingly unimportant decisions, which slowly but every so surely...

, 11 years 5 months ago

This week, I thought I’d take a moment out of Jesus’s life and share a unique perspective. Even if you’re not a Christian, or perhaps even angry at God for what you’re dealing with, I get it. I most certainly do. But I hope you’ll keep reading as I think there are some good points in here to still ponder, even if you do not subscribe to a Christian worldview at all.

Anyone under the weight of recent infidelity (whether betrayed or betrayer) or even addiction can relate to the words of Jesus, when He uttered in John 12: 27-28 "My soul has become troubled; and what shall I say, `Father, save Me from this hour'? But for this purpose I came to this hour. "Father, glorify Your name."

Infidelity will do more than just trouble our families and our souls. Yet the word '...

, 11 years 5 months ago

Early on in recovery it was ugly. Everything seemed like it was my fault. No matter what happened it would eventually be tied to the fact that I had an affair. It was a painful way to live. Looking back even my wife Samantha would tell you that most things ended up being my fault. It wasn’t accurate but Samantha was in so much pain, and flooding so quickly, it was hard not to put it all on me.

If we were going to heal it was going to have to be that way for a short time. Let’s just be honest: I had a two year affair. The fact that I had to go through some emotional pain and hurt and even some ‘shaming’ from my Samantha, is not that big of a deal when you consider the bigger picture. If we are going to compare which sin is worse, I will win every time. When I talk to spouses who...

, 11 years 5 months ago

Quite often when I talk to couples in crisis due to infidelity, one of their paramount questions is, can it ever be the same again?

Honestly, my answer is a frank, but delicate, NO, it will never be the same again.

But I immediately follow up with, “But why would you want to go back to what you had, when you’ve now discovered (or come clean about) what you then had was a lie?” Why would we want to go back to the settings which allowed for and created the affair in the first place? It’s a harsh answer I know.

Don’t get me wrong….before you push send on that ‘leave a comment’ button, I’m never going to say that the affair was the betrayed spouses fault. It’s just not that easy, or realistic, or true.  But what I do want to communicate is the infidelity has ruined...

, 11 years 6 months ago

"I can't make you NOT have another affair. If you're going to cheat, you're going to cheat."

About a year or so into recovery, Samantha very calmly told me those words in Rick's office. I immediately saw Rick's eyes light up, followed by a gentle smile that showed Rick was very pleased with the new insight Samantha had arrived at.

It was a significant moment for her, to realize she needed to let go, trust God and even trust me (in developing levels of progression) that if I was ever going to have another affair, she in her own power couldn't prevent it.

After all, I was a great liar. If I want to, I still can be.

The difference is - I don't want to.

And I don't have to.

Samantha realized that if I wanted to have another affair I could,...

, 11 years 6 months ago

A toxic response mechanism in recovery will always be defensiveness. Defensiveness communicates to the betrayed spouse that we don't "get it", are not sorry or empathetic over what we've done and that we're just not safe in general.

Just recently Samantha and I had a significant breakdown over some financial decisions I had made in the past, and I quickly became both angry and defensive. I felt as though my decisions were the best that could have been made at the time of the recession, and that if she truly understood the entire picture she would have made the same decision. To be reminded of her interpretation, time and time again, upset me pretty significantly. Now, several years removed from my affair, I remembered I needed to take stock of my emotions and ask myself why I...

, 11 years 6 months ago

If there was one issue that was probably one of most difficult issues for me to overcome personally, it was shame. I was truly ashamed of what I had done and how I had hurt both Samantha and so many other lives. There was, however, a bit of a time release to my shame though and you'll probably only understand this if you are an unfaithful spouse. What I mean is it didn't hit me all at once. If it did I think I would have ended it all. Were it not for my kids I think one night I would have committed suicide with all the sobriety that began to come crashing down around me. Don't worry, that's not a cry for you to feel sorry for me, it's just a bit of a window into the mind of the unfaithful.

As the days and weeks would go by, and as we began to get the right kind of help, the...

, 11 years 7 months ago

It's been several years since my affair was disclosed and life took a turn for what felt like the end. Almost every time Rick writes an article it hits me in one way or another. This newest one was no exception. The fact is, time doesn't permit me to share the enormous litany of reasons why, if anyone shouldn't have been having an affair, it was me.

If anyone was in a position of authority, integrity, and alleged impeccable character, it was me. Yet, the numbers of people affected by my moral failure (more like moral disaster) is no short list, and to this day lives still show the residue of a leader who failed them and left a sea of disoriented lives a drift, looking for direction and hope.

Today I'd like to talk about how I disengaged from my moral compass and...

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