I married the most wonderful man I had ever known—he’s 64 and I’m 59. We dated over two years and married in 2014, a second marriage for both of us. I discovered that from the day we married (and probably before), my husband has actively pursued other women with the pretense of helping them. To my knowledge, none of them had sex with him, as it became obvious to them over time what his real motive was. In my quest to piece everything together, I have discovered emails, texts, and Facebook messages to every potential AP. I have also discovered that he is a chameleon. He knew that my first husband was volatile and verbally abusive, so he was a safe, cuddly teddy bear to me. It seems to be a game of chase to him, taking months to build trust before wooing for sex. Things got really bad when he started pursing a 24-year-old online. She lived two hours away and their communication was always via text or FB message (her choice). Over a year and a half period, he spent over $50,000 on her, paying all her bills (she was on the verge of bankruptcy) and sending her expensive gifts—all without my knowledge. We jointly own a contracting business and live frugally, so you can imagine my shock when I noticed money being shelled out for luxury items that I never saw and all-expense paid trips that we didn’t take. I started monitoring his texts and saw they were sexting. When I told him she had to go, the thought of being without his drug of choice was too much. He told me if I didn’t like it, I could leave. So I did. Free at last, he asked her out continually over the next five-months, and she always had an excuse. They never went on a date and never had sex. After five months of marital separation he begged me to come back. I did, but I have reason to believe she is still in his life. I think he met his match in her. She is the most cunning, manipulative person I have ever witnessed. This whole ordeal has strengthened my spiritual journey and I am closer to God, so something good came out of it. But I’ve accepted that my marriage may be a lost cause if things are status quo. I’ve let go of anger, while doing my best to manage the pain, and I’m finally resigned to move on, if it comes to that. I just want off this roller coaster and will do whatever it takes to get there.

My husband of 15 years had a 6 month affair with a coworker which ended only a month ago. Emotions are running so high in our home, and your articles and videos have been so beneficial to both of us. We both want to do everything we can to save our marriage, though I am having the worst time of my life coming to terms with the situation. I would love to join your program and develop the skills I need in order to heal from my trauma and move on in happiness with my husband. Thank you for your consideration.

I have been with my partner for almost 6 years now. Within the last 6 months, my life was completely flipped upside down due finding multiple emotional affairs. I am struggling to recognize my own feelings and how to work through them. My partner desperately wants us to work things out, and I am willing to try, but that may not mean we'll come out together at the other end. Together or not, I will still be myself. I'd like to take this heartbreak and use it to teach myself new skills, and be a better person for myself, as well as my partner. I may not be 100% hopeful about our relationship, but I am still hopeful to learn and grow through this. If it wasn't for COVID, we would be purchasing online tickets for the EMS weekend, but unfortunately we just do not have the resources anymore.

Curt my husband and I were best friends since 7th grade. He was always my protector and even having hugs from him at that early of an age I felt safe and home. We lost touch and in 2013 started reconnecting and married soon there after. I am lost since I found out. It feels like someone has dug out a hole inside me and it can’t be filled up ever again. We are trying to work through it but I am stuck in the pain of what I have lost and I can not communicate it effectively enough for him to understand or I emotionally flood when I try. I know I will never be the same as I was and I know we will never be the same but I need help. My therapist tries to help me but I don’t think she has much information on how to help the betrayed spouse. I am literally torn in two and completely empty still. I am trying so hard to find my happiness but I can’t. Please help me.

Reposting because I don’t think my first post was sent the right way 😳
I want to take the Harboring Hope class so that I may heal. My husband and I were best friends all throughout junior high and high school. Even then when he would hug me I felt safe and home and during that time in my life that feeling meant everything to me as I was going through a very rough time. We lost touch and reconnected in 2013 after my mother passed away in 2012. I’ve always liked to think my mother had a small hand in that. We married soon after that..afterall he was my best friend and now so much more I was over the moon and so grateful for him and my marriage. I was home again and safe and sound. In 2016 he had an affair and at the same time of this affair my father was dying of cancer. I know I pulled away during this time as I was taking care of my father. For the next 3 years I knew something was not right. I found a very xx rated video he had made while out on the road (he was a long haul trucker). I was crushed and confronted him and was lied to and for the next year he became very hateful towards me. I felt like he hated to come home to me. December 2018 right before Christmas I found a number on our call records that had multiple texts back and forth as well as pictures I couldn’t see the texts but looked up the number and realized this was a woman’s number. That night was not pretty he continued to deny and I left for a very long drive that night. April 14 2019 I remember that day it is forever burned into my soul. I texted the woman and she finally told me the truth I ended up finding out the truth from him over the phone. “I screwed around on you”. That day was the beginning of a nightmare I cannot wake up from it haunts me even when I sleep. It was multiple times when I needed him most and he continued to text her when I was begging just to have my husband back and not this hateful person I didn’t recognize. He did not use protection so I also had the added embarrassment of going to my doctor and explaining the reasons I needed to be tested for STDs. I am an empty shell of who I was. I cannot look at myself in the mirror anymore and like myself. I hurt constantly. I feel violated that something I held so sacred was given away without my permission and I was tossed aside. The safety I had felt in his arms for so many years through all the horrible times in
my life is now gone. It’s no longer home anymore. I want to heal. I love my husband and he has told me he loves me and we are trying to work through this as we both want this marriage but it’s a constant battle with the emotional flooding and the constant triggers and unwanted thoughts. I want myself back. I want to be able to look at myself in the mirror again and not hate what is staring back at me. I want to smile and laugh again. I want hope.

We are going in 4 years past the first d day. We are doing work from free resources but do not have the funds for counselor or courses. I am still having intrusive thoughts almost 24 7. Please please I need help. My husband is a sex addict and is trying to get help but everything costs so much money. Thank God for a positive approach from affair recovery. It's very difficult to find anyone that doesn't say..just leave. Been together 22 yrs. And want there to be many more. Just want to be happy and safe. Thank you Kelly

My husband is a recovering sex addict and is doing well. He is doing all recommended steps and treatment to heal his addiction and our relationship. I am also involved with groups and therapy but I feel stuck in pain and anger. I don't feel love for or from him even though I know we love each other. The thought of connecting with him on an emotional level is terrifying. Would harboring hope help me

We really need the support of Harboring Hope and keep praying we'll be chosen. Thank you

I would love to take part in your Harboring Hope program! I am less than 3 months out from discovering my husband's nearly 6 month affair with one of his coworkers. Some days I feel like we are working through it, and other days I feel like packing up and leaving. Your videos and articles have been giving me much needed guidance during what is the worst thing I have gone through in my life.

It's been 7 years since my husband confessed his multiple affairs, at which time we were married 36 years. We are still together. We have done marriage counseling the first 5 years. We learned alot, but still have an emotional disconnection. It definitely has been swept under the rug by both of us. He gets what he has done to me and our marriage, but is a man that cannot handle coming out of his comfort zone. I cannot say that I am near being healed. Most days I am still in painful disbelief that this has happened to me. I can feel the hurt in my heart. This has "Rocked me to my Soul". I want to heal my soul, but I'm still so 'confused'. And I absolutely self sabotage, which is my biggest issue. I so desperately want to be connected to women that have gone through this...to help me move forward and find Hope for my future.

Six months out from DDay, I am an alumnus of EMS Online, my husband is currently enrolled and Hope for Healing and we are both taking advantage of Married for Life. We are working very hard at recovery and so far (with Affair Recoveries Help) I feel we are gaining ground. But it is a battle and I will take all the help I can get! Married for 38 years, I never knew my husband had begun cheating on me before we even married. A lifetime of infidelity....... overwhelming at times. Pam2020

My husband had an emotional affair with his administrative assistant at work. It was all very "Mad Men." She is 18 years younger than him and married with 2 young children. We've been married almost 31 years and our children are in their late 20s. It all happened so fast. He hired her less than a year ago.

When I confronted my husband, he immediately confessed and was emphatic that he wanted me and our marriage and he was being foolish with this other relationship. I believed him and he has done mostly everything right since then to help me trust him again. But . . . he still works with her. She is still his admin assistant. She offered to leave and find another job and he talked her out of it, twice. Because apparently no other admin assistant would be as good at the job as her. Really?!

She is now upset because he isn't giving her the attention he was before. She keeps reaching out to him. Luckily he is understanding her ways and realizing they really didn't have anything in common. He now wishes she would go find another job. I don't think she ever intended to.

Their daily contact at work is really slowing down my recovery. It's pretty horrible for me. I am drinking too much wine and then I get really mad and say horrible things to my husband. I need to shut that down. I need to find a way forward that is healthy for me. It's been almost 4 months since discovery and I'm finally sleeping well again. I'm no longer obsessing about her, them, when they hugged (apparently there were long hugs where they just held each other), and I can now eat food without having major digestive issues. I lost 25 lbs, which I needed to, but I am resentful that my husband seems so darn happy I lost the weight. Like that was the problem. And just recently, I'm noticing my hair is shedding way more than usual. Like I'm losing my hair. I thought I was doing much better lately, but this new symptom tells me I'm not and I need help that focuses just on me.

Hi , I just started emso and week 2 has been beyond devastating. Sent into orbit Is how I feel. Basically an old wound that has reopened and is bleeding out. I may need some serious recovery and am willing to do the work to heal.
My story is I have been married for 33 years. We have 4 children with our eldest being disabled. They are now all grown. Twenty years ago my husband detached from me and the children. I knew something was a miss and desperately was reaching out and either being ignored , or gaslighted . Gaslighting is a new word to me as for years I didn’t realise it was being done to me by my husband. He is quite good at it. Either way soon after he was arrested for possession of crack cocaine. I found out later that my younger sister was a big part of that party. He went to recovery , for clean but it wasn’t king before he lost his job. Due to drinking on the job. I still stood by his side and continued to work my fulltime job and do the mom thing. I was extremely busy but always here for my entire family. Husband withdrew again and I tried and tried to talk to him , suggest counseling for depression. He began not coming home till the early am and quite intoxicated . I still continued to reach out. He isolated me and the children to spend his days and nights at the bar. Ignoring me and the children. It was horrific for all. My children were on their way to college and high school. Very busy time for them. I did my best to include my husband and got ignored or even yelled at for being a nag. For a brief period of time in 2009 he decided he missed his family and came back into our lives. It was short lived. He is a musician and joined a band. Living the dream as a rockstar. He never included me. Still being isolated , the following year our son graduated college and was on his way in his new career and had one in college and the youngest on her way to college. I now was totally alone. See mom and the kids stuck together like glue. They were my buddies. Now my buddies were gone. All I had was my job. A few friends at best. In 2011 on my birthday my husband wanted to take me out to dinner. I was elated and thought maybe a glimpse of hope. The very next am I retrieved a text message from a female asking what they were doing today. No doubt my suspicions that other things were going on were confirmed. As you can imagine I became a crazed lunatic. Very angry. Somehow my husband reassured me she was just a friend , a groupie who was a bit unstable who came to all the shows. I still was no , maybe? He was so good at gaslighting I thought well he’s right I am paranoid. It’s his drinking that is the problem. I will say that day he must of snapped maybe a bit? He included me and We became us again. In 2016 he was diagnosed with very aggressive prostate cancer. So naturally I dove in took the lead in knowledge and appt and what can be done to save his life. They only gave him 18m at best with no treatment at all. He went through hormone deprivation therapy , surgery, chemo and radiation. And he survived. Miracle man his docs call him. All has been calm and right in our world. UNTIL he insisted I be a good girl and have my cancer screenings. I did and in oct of 2019 I was diagnosed with high risk hpv. I knew at that point that texting girl was more than a friend. I had to calm and it took me 2 weeks to address this with him. When I did he was defensive and accused me of stepping out. I have been nothing but faithful and I was in disbelief that even after being caught he would deny. He couldn’t anymore and after a letter asking him to move out if he couldn’t be a man and tell the truth he disclosed 5 affairs since 2010. Months of horror which landed us at marriage counselor. I retained a personal counselor that specializes in trauma. Marriage counselor as well but being so naive I didn’t know that not all marriage counselors are trained in infedelity . I actually encircled more trauma from this. While searching for help and answers for me I came across AR. A bit reluctant my husband was as we had counseling. He I am sure became annoyed with my emotional flooding. So he agreed to do the emso. Week 2 he disclosed 3 more affairs to the already 5 While reading me his story. He actually posted to our group wall how proud he was of how well I responded. Well that was a lie. Not sure he would realise I would see this. Through week 2 videos and knowledge of polygraph . A day later after much trauma and flooding and just being distraught that he even lied through our marriage counseling . Oh but wait . I repeated asked the following evening if he could pass a polygraph . He insisted yes I was at ground zero. I asked again and one lore time and the last time asked he replied with no. This is when he disclosed the 20 year on and off again emotional and physical affair with my drug addict sister. In my house , at her house . The rocket ship of emotions has sent me into orbit. In addition to my diagnosis in oct last year in Jan of this year we have been told my husband cancer is back , I do not know where my story is heading , all I know is I need to land on earth.

Tomorrow July 31,2020 marks 1 yr since D day. My husband and I have been married almost 4 years. Though we have no biological children together we do have 4 children from previous marriages. Three are mine (22,20,12) from my ex husband and him a 9 yr old daughter. Dragging your children through a divorce once is hard enough but to have to consider a second is the worst. I found out that my husband had been what I consider emotional affairs online but he called it a game "catch and release". When I first discovered I left not knowing what just happened. I had just heard a few conversations on my husbands phone after having a gut feeling that something was not right and knowing he recorded all conversations on his phone at the time for legal purposes I decided to restore his recycle bin on phone and go to calls that exceeded 30 min since he's not a talker. Little did I know that the man who held me above all and from outside looking in you'd think I had it all (I thought I had it all). After taking it all in I did contact 5 numbers and all females said they blocked him within 2 days at most due to inappropriate conversations except one female who did have sexual phone talk with my husband that I had to choose to pick at random and hear for about 30 sec before turning off that had been happening for a week but not actual meet ups with any that I know of. (worst thing I could have ever done). I decided that I needed to talk to my husband because felt he had an addiction and maybe we could get through this together. Here's the kicker. We were seeing a fertility specialist and about to go through the process of having a surrogate carry our child since I was high risk and unable to. I am currently seeing a psychiatrist, and therapist after 7 months of trying on my own til one morning I hit rock bottom with the thought of a child being taking from me without even being asked how I felt about it. Call it it a mothers intuition, I don't know still trying to figure out why I can't get past that part or will be able to ever. My husband has yet to see anyone and says due to his Cervical Radiculopathy (nerve damage) that runs through his whole body when anxious in any way. I don't understand that and feel it's an excuse. Please help? I'm ready to throw in the towel but I don't want to make a decision based on my thoughts coming from my head if in fact this is true and I should go about this another way with him. I do see change in him and have all access to phone and accounts any time I want but this is a horrible way to live for anyone.

Hi, my name is Conny,my husband and I been together 29 years - 24 married. He was and is my best friend, the person I can be ME.Our live was awesome and we had a great marriage in all ways ( so I thought ).
I knew and felt from beginning on that our marriage is in jeopardy and I tried to talk to him about it for month - long sad story, as they all in there own way. I found out all of it and I mean all on my own last October and it’s been a roller coaster ever since. My husband has not disclosed any - all I know I found out and the worst is that even after he could not stop contacting her - he even tried to change her name in his contacts. She keeps on sending him photos and he even bought her jewelry for her birthday in April. I been working so hard with therapy and all of you guys to not loose myself. He wants to stay married and he loves me wants to spend the rest of his life with me - I hear this like a tape but he doesn’t do what he needs to do for me. He is going to counseling and here and there says he wants to go together but makes no attempt to start. I know I need to move on and he ignores anything I say - just says “we can do it”. I actually do really good with the affair just not with what has happened after.
I need help to find myself without him because he is not ready to do what needs to be done, and it’s hard because I have to let go of everything that has meaning in my life.
I also want to thank you all for the support and videos - wish you guys could address how important it is for the unfaithful to disclose. My husband is watching your videos but somehow this specific he lets out.
Thank you again

I am need of help with my stuck situation. My wife is a sex addict cheating multiple times, and I am completely stuck. I would appreciate the opportunity to speak with other men to help me process and move on to healing. I also want to experience feeling hope and realize now I can’t do this alone. Thank you.

If it is god's will, we will be selected.

We dearly need help and harboring hope would be the blessing we need to be free of our roadblocks over 2 years into recovery

I can’t help but feel that if I stay and forgive I am admitting I can’t do better. Can’t “catch” a man who would love me enough not to cheat.

You I just turned 50 a huge milestone. I have been married for 25 years yes to the same woman. I have been a police officer for 29 years. In 1999 months after our second daughter was born, my wife hatched a plan of fostering and affair with a neighbors friend. Feeling deprived of attention/ affection she sought it and got it from him. All the secrets kept from me of her endeavors prior to and that that let up to the one night, the lies of that night, and after,still deeply bother me. She gave false information as to her intentions of what she was up to when she asked if I cared if she went bowling with her friends. I was lied to that night that nothing happened and I stupidly believed her. The next weekend more lies and I caught her at his house with her friend. Bit stupid me still believed her. The lies continued for 6 months though our anniversary and Christmas. Some guilt got to her and some information was trickle fed to me. My world came apart and has never been the same since that discovery. Though counseling yep she was lying and hiding more information. It then became impossible to believe anything she said. 20 years later I had the biggest breakdown ever. This year it all started with her triggering me with another man about him hitting on her. Felt like I was back a D Day, because of her being dissatisfied with me as usual. I have lost 25 lbs, fell into a deep dark depression. She has now given me more information things that happened back then that I suspected little things to her but huge to me. I’ve lost all interests in everything my kids family friends. I can’t go anywhere with her because it’s dangerous. She gets jealous over me just talking to another female she feels threatened by. Feels like I’m being set up for her next outburst. I lost who I once was. I don’t enjoy much of anything except going to work where I can freely talk with people. It’s got so bad I feel guilty and ashamed at just talking or looking at an attractive woman. Pretty messed up. You’d think I was the one that cheated.
We’ve been back in counseling. Every part of me is exhausted mentally emotionally and physically. Flooding and triggers still run much of my life. Just seeing a guy throwing a girl on a bed on a sitcom and making out a sitcom commercial and of two people making out in the same positions that she was in had me I a break down. Feel one such a fool. I cannot say how much I have learned from Affair Recovery. I appreciate your organization so much. Tired of doing all the work. I feel guilty and persecuted punished for a crime I didn’t commit. It’s such an unfair position I was put in. Still wondering what else there is that she hid from me. I live with the constant punishment. Funny she still feels she’s being punished. She still blames me sometimes for the past downplays and is dismissive with er comments, quite frustrating. There never been an actual apology most of the time it’s been deafening silence and no remorse. Shared your Apology Letter. Was so right on with how I feel. No response no reaction from her. Feel like I’m lost in space. Need some grounding. I think Harboring Hope would help immensely. So unfair that the majority of the work is my part and I didn’t do anything wrong. Wanting peace and healing. Nothing gets through to her from my perspective. I’m looking for anything to put my mind at ease and put my life back together some way some how. Thanks for all you do.

My husband wants to heal on his own and with no outside help. He’s chosen to not share his troubles with any friends, and he obviously can’t share as much with me as my actions have shattered his trust. If we win this for free, it may be easier to convince him to try this. I hope “us” can be healed too, but I hope mostly for his healing, and for mine.

I found out a little over a week ago that my mate has been having an affair for the past 6 weeks. He was forced to tell me because the woman is now pregnant. We have been together for 5 years. He was the keeper of my heart. I never dreamed he would do this. I am overwhelmed, hurt, feel as though there is chaos all around. He says he wants us to work through this but I have not seen any effort. I am so lost. Has anyone else been in this type of situation? completely heartbroken!

Shari

I want to take Harboring Hope to experience what the course was designed for: to know I am not alone, not crazy, and not destined to grieve forever. Right now, four months post-D-day, I feel all of those things.

Need guidance for what has changed everything.

We are ready to heal, ready to be out of pain, ready to reconcile. We don’t know how but we are trying day by day. It hurts but we are in this to stay together and determined to be happy.

I would love to take Harboring Hope as I travel this journey of learning more about myself, my marriage, my husband, and the path that led us to this time of disaster in our marriage. I am a teacher by profession, and a learner at heart. I want to grow from this experience, I don’t want this lesson that God allowed into my life to be wasted, but to be used to glorify him. D-day on January 18, 2020 was God’s gift to our marriage, the day He let His truth shine free and brought my husband from out of the shadows. He spent the last four years of our 26 year marriage in a few online affairs and then one physical affair last year. He always wanted our marriage, but we lost each other along the way and were stumbling alone. But not now, we found each other and are holding hands, gaining more clarity with each step along the rocky way.
I want to spend the remainder of my days loving and helping others to heal, but first I must be healed myself.

Hello D-day for me was October 22 2019 and 3 days from now will be a year anniversary and April of 19 was the second D day and 7 day boot camp and 13 weeks of esmo and into the 4th week of MFL I feel like we are no closer to him knowing why for him or for me so I can feel like maybe I can understand or what made him be that kind of human being that I know loved me incredibly but cheated on me off and on for 16 years and with my so called best friend and other friends and then he did this in his previous marriage but he told me he saw the pain in her eyes and knew he had been the cause of that pain and he could never do that to someone again and I believed him.. then he did that to me .Im so damaged from this betrayal I dont know how Im gonna recover and I havent been able to function right for a year and I feel so guilty for my 2 children at home to see their mom hurting or just not being as reliable and Im trying ..Im really trying I want to understand I want to heal I want to be strong enough to be able to move forward if he doesnt do what he needs to do to heal as well and to show me I can feel safe with him . So far I he does what he has too but no extra he said if I helped him sign up for help for healing hed do it but not right now cuz its too much for him . But he finds time to watch hours of tv and hours of craigs list or instagram..please help me and thank you for all I have learned and the help I have gotten from AR

D-Day has not ended in my mind . It always seems like yesterday...My knight in shining armor broke my heart and soul . We have been married 29 years , yesterday . D-Day came July, 2018...he had been “ visiting” his ex-wife for 7+ years while visiting his family in DC... I thought that he was just going through issues from work because he was acting “different” ... then one day I looked at his computer and then his wallet and phone ... he had every conceivable number and email with which to contact her ... then afterD-Day... masking numbers ... when confronted he said “ they were just visits with her and my in-laws ... they had been divorced for 20 years ... even after counseling, I am angry and do not believe him . He wants me to “trust “... trust what ? If you can lie and do this for 7 + years , why am I to believe ? I really feel like running away ...but at almost 70 yo... I feel stupid, foolish, and so sad ...I really am still lost .