I found out my husband was having a so called 'emotional" affair, just after our 20th anniversary. He swears he never slept with the girl, but I have my doubts. He gets really angry when anyone says he had an affair. He initially tried to lie and say they were just friends and he felt sorry for her. But then I found a text he had sent her and he was obviously in love with her. I tried my best to stay together, but we wound up getting divorced last September and then we remarried in June. He has been nothing but good to me, but I can't forgive him. I have read and tried my best, but I just can't. I love him, but its different now. I really want to move past this. I feel like I'm living a lie and sometimes I just want to punch the wall I get so angry. But I have to keep it all inside. He gets mad if I even try to talk about it. He days its over and done. But not for me. I need some help!
Thank you

I just want to say thank you for all the great information you've put out there. I really appreciate the regular emails and posts.

I found out just a little over a month ago that my husband was having an affair that started about 3 years ago. The encounters happened while he was on a business trip at the plant where she worked. The physical encounters ended after a year as their company closed that plant, but he continued to text and email with her up until I found out about them. He immediately ended all communication with her and has really done everything to make sure she is blocked from his (and our) lives. I have been trying to comprehend the extent of their relationship and why it happened.
He is open and honest with me and is really trying to do all the right things, but I just feel like an empty human being with no emotions. Hence the walking dead!
Sometimes I feel a little angry, sometimes a tear will flow. I read about how important it is to grieve, but I'm lost as to what I should be grieving about. I feel selfish if I'm supposed to be grieving about me and my loss. It feels unproductive to just be mad about what he did to "us". I really want to move on, but have no idea where to start.

My wife has a relationship with my friend that I expressed concern about. Instead of addressing my concern she continued the relationship. One day I decided to look at the phone record and I was not prepared to see what I saw. I had no idea how many times a day they were communicating. As soon as I left for work they were communicating with each other. I later found out that they were doing things together without either of their spouses. As I confronted her she would say that they were "just friends". I thought I would feel comfortable if they put some boundaries in place for their friendship, for example, no more activities with just the two of them and to limit their contact to once a week. I could not find peace even though those boundaries were put into place. Looking back, I think I was in denial of what this relationship really was and I was in denial that my wife and my friend would do this. At the time I was struggling with my employment and I would come home and try to problem solve with my wife to look at other employment options. With no compassion in her voice my wife would tell me that I was depressed and to go get counseling. I felt completely alone. I was devastated when my friend told me how much my wife was supporting him with his anxiety. Finally, with the the help from our pastor, my wife and friend were asked to discontinue their relationship to which they agreed. My wife told me that she felt that my friend was a better husband and father because he helped out around the house more and spent more time with his children. As I tried to make the adjustments to be a better husband and father I felt that my effort was not appreciated. We agreed to go to therapy and I told the therapist that I felt that if I had given my wife an ultimatum to either choose me or my friend I would have lost. The therapist looked at my wife and said would of he lost and my wife replied "oh yea".

As we continued on our jouney to healing I felt like I was doing most of the work and my wife was not all in. I would share with her my feelings and she would get defensive and say I am doing so much for you. I don't go over to his house and I don't communicate with him. A year and a half after D day my wife said she was going for a drive which was not unusual. However, for my own peice of mind I decided to drive by to see if she was at this guys house which she was. It turns out that she has lied to me on several occations about going over to the friends house. She justified it by saying that she went their to visit his wife who is her friend (that has added another level of complexity). After this I still had a gut feeling that I was missing something so I snooped and found 14 letters from this man to her. It turns out he had put a magnet on the bottom of his mailbox through which they were exchanging letters. Another way my wife and my friend had justified their relationship is by saying that it was a brother / sister type friendship. When I read those letters they were not letters you would write to your sister. I was very hurt by them. My friend has labeled me as a Narcissist and there was a deep emotional connection in the language and content of the letters.

Through out this whole experience my dear wife continues to minimize the relationship. It has caused me to question myself and who I am. I felt like I must be overreacting, controlling, and crazy. As I would confront her or share my feelings, she would get very angry at me. I felt like I was doing something wrong. I have done a lot of reading and soul searching trying to find myself in all of this. As I found information that validated my feelings, I would share the articles or books with her and say see I am not crazy. Sharing these articles with her has backed fire on me, she hates them and feels like I am being manipulative and am treating her as a child. As she continues to minimize the impact of her behavior the more I try to find answers. It has become a very unhealthy obsession. I feel like if I can just get her to understand then we can move forward and repair the harm that has been done. I have found myself in a hole that I can't seem to escape. I know I need to stop trying to get her to understand as I have realized she is consumed with shame and is not at a place where she can understand. I know that I need to work on myself to get me out of the hole.

I never thought I would be here fighting for my marriage to overcome the hurt and pain of infidelity but here we are, my husband and I are pushing thru this painful season. It has been 1yr since DDay and it is definitely a fight everyday to survive. My husbands affair lasted 1 1/2 yrs. I have found so much help and peace thru our healing journey with Affair recovery. I’m thankful I came across your blogs and videos. We still fight everyday to save our 26yr marriage. Sincerely StrengthHopeLove 🇨🇦

So we are 7 years out from my discovery, and we had healed well and been ok for several years. But during this last very stressful year, I have discovered many lies and confronted my husband of 26 years, which was followed by his denial. After months of me continuing to ask and waiting, it is clear that he will not be completely honest with me. He has several addictions and needs to deal with them, but he won’t. So it’s time for me to focus on myself, no matter what happens in our marriage.

We are 6 months post DD1 of my wife’s affair. We are doing so much better but I feel stuck in a rut at times. I have forgiven her an just need help moving forward. I was better but then the intrusive thoughts returned an the nightmares. My wife is doing everything she should an is great.

My day was March 13-23 2019. After trying to stay together and finally divorcing in sept 2019. We remarried this past June. I feel like I'm living a double life. I have to act like I've "gotten over it" or risk arguments or possibly another divorce. Please help me. Im loosing my mind

I found out about my husband's infidelity on February 17,2019. It was purely by accident I had discovered by looking in his work calendar that he had taken Valentine's Day off but he was not with me.( This affair I found out a little later lasted 2 years). So it began the hell that was to insue. I knew of this person and reached out to her a few months after because my husband was not answering any of my questions so I had to do all the investigation myself. She told me many things about their relationship and I confirmed these things with him. By the way they both believed they were soul mates and in love yet I had been married to this man for 35 years and she was also married to a man she had married not once but twice. Anyway call me crazy but I befriended her (as the old adage goes, keep your enemies closer) There is so much more to this story but anyway I also found out that he was having an affair with another person for probably 5 years that supposedly meant nothing ha ha the problem I am having after watching one of the videos on Who is the other Women is that it says in the video that "Usually the unfaithful spouse overvalues the AP and the betrayed spouse devalues the AP well in my case it's the opposite. I cannot seem to get her out of my mind. I feel she has more than me or did and I just can't shake these feelings of not being good enough even though I have tried so many things through self love. Can Harboring Hope help me.

Best,

Tammy

It seems like he and i have two very different outlooks on what happened. Our stories differ so much. And now, 4 years after he moved back home i can barely feel the love. I know i want him and us. But i feel so hollow and torn apart.
I used to be so proud to call ourself high school sweethearts, now I feel ashamed to even say it to people we meet because we arent sweethearts anymore. They typically assume it was easy and dont known the pain weve been through.

My husband and I have been married for 23 years, and were together for 6 years before that. 3.5 years ago during MC he confessed to having feelings for a mentee coworker. I had already suspected as much over the preceding few months, but felt guilty about my lack of trust in someone who had always treated me well. Our MC told him he needed to cut off all nonwork contact with her. At home he was furious about that, and said that we had no right to expect him to give up a friendship. I thought that if we just stuck with MC his need for that relationship would fade. Then life threw us some curveballs and we dropped out of MC.

This "friendship" has been an EA going on right in front of my face for those 3.5 years. As time has gone on, the disregard for my feelings and blatant inappropriate behavior has escalated. He started lying about spending time with her and turning off his phone so I wouldn't know where he was. I have tried over and over to get him to understand how hurtful his behavior is, to no avail. I have become very anxious and depressed, and have started IC for my own wellbeing. The free resources on AR have been very helpful, and I would love to take the Harboring Hope course to work specifically on issues related to the infidelity.

Last weekend his behavior with her finally pushed me past my limit, and I told him it was her or me. He broke it off with her the next day, and we are now starting our recovery journey. At this point he does not seem to think we should be in MC or take a couples course, but he does want to repair and rebuild our marriage. I am at such a low point that I need to move towards my own healing regardless of where he is, and Harboring Hope really sounds like the way to do that.

I could really use this course because my pain from my husband's prior affair/betrayal is keeping me trapped and unable to move on. My husband is trying to reconcile but this seemingly bottomless well of pain keeps me from getting close to him. I want to heal. It is time.

I am torn in so many ways.I felt my heart rip out of my chest cavity. I had known about a previous affair in which we did not get any help on. I managed to stay and move on but did not realize that there was so much more stored in me that after finding out abut this new affair.
It has crippled me. For over 17 months I was incapable of normal behaviors.
I don't know how I made it through the daily routine I was in FOG all the time.
I made so many mistakes at my business and with Covid it but almost put me out of my mind.
It drove me to contemplate suicide many times if it were not for my children and my elderly mom that needs so much attention I may have done it.
The back and forth of my wife was more painful than anything I have ever experienced in my whole life put together.
I need men to speak with that know the pain and listen from them as to how to cope and move forward.

Thank you,
E

What happened to the blogs??
I enjoyed reading them. They helped me a lot.

For almost 5 years my husband has been unfaithful. Yes, he has viewed porn and gone on dating websites. But, this infidelity has to do with a lot of lies. His being unfaithful was with every woman he deemed attractive when we went out. In the store,when we went out to eat, or went out for a drive -- his eyes looking at them up and down and then lying to me about what he was looking at. It got to the point that we stopped going out, we stopped dating because the pain was too much. Anxiety ensued the moment we had to go anywhere. Dread at the thought of leaving our home because of how hurtful it was. Finding out he was still looking at porn on his phone, and hiding magazines at our shed only made things worse. Things got to the point that I couldn't leave my home to sit in my own yard because of the joggers that would go by. I am living in the prison of my own home, with no way out. We have downloaded apps that track his GPS and phone history but they don't account for his integrity in his heart so no trust is getting built. I live with my shades drawn and not leaving my house because of the pain he has caused and I'm on the verge of giving up because I literally cannot live this way anymore. We need help. His eyes, his heart, those things cannot be accounted for with an app. He talks to women at work and deletes the text messages still even though they are nothing of concern. It then makes me wonder what is happening with that woman at work?

My relationship is worth more than this, my children deserve better. Though my fiance didn't cheat physically that I am aware or, or that he will admit, he struggles majorly with sexual addiction to porn. He struggles with staring inappropriately at women, lying and hiding this to keep the secrecy for as long as possible.

He has since told me that he as stopped but the damage that it has caused me is debilitating physically and emotionally. The toll it takes on me everyday is awful. If trust cannot be restored in our relationship I am afraid I can't continue to feel this kind of hurt every time he leaves the house. We cannot leave as a couple because of the pain I am afraid to feel.

I am hurting.

It has been a year since d-day, and I have been in therapy for just about as long... My wife actually made my first appointment 3 days after d-day so that I would take my life. It has been an almost unbearable road ever since then.

While the pain has dissipated, and thank God that it has, the hole is still there in my heart...

So many things I don't understand about my W's A...

I am just so very tired of it all. It just wears on a person. The thoughts, pictures, videos, messages, playing over and over in my head.

I AM READY TO MOVE FORWARD.. I NEED TO!!

My kids need me to, my wife needs me to, and I need me to.

I pray that Harboring Hope can help to bring me through this terrible time. I feel as if I have so much to offer this world, but am so very broken at the moment that I can still barely make it through the day.

I truly thank you for your consideration. Praying and hopeful that this is the answer.

I’m on here looking for answers again. My husband and I have been married almost 18 years. I’m pregnant with our 5th child. He’s had two emotional affairs, sought sex on Ashley Madison and Craigslist. I have a hard time believing his actual affairs I know of were “only” emotional as he’s a very sexual person. I know he loves me and regrets his actions deeply. He has sexual trauma from his teen years that wounded him (not an excuse, but helps him be vulnerable.) There have been multiple discoveries, trickle info and deceptions. I didn’t handle d-days well and ignored a lot. I can be ignoring anymore. A few weeks ago I found text messages from years ago between him and a coworker. I knew of some of it and again, lived in denial and avoided. Finding those messages reopened old wounds and I’m worried I never actually healed. I’m forgiving him and staying but I’m terrified his past behaviors will be continued and I don’t know how much more I can take. I don’t think I know everything though he says I do. I just want to heal for me, for us and for our marriage and our kids.

My wife and I have been married for 9 years and been together for over 14 years. I am 9.5 months out from Dday. After my discovery she continued to talk to him behind my back for another 3 weeks. She has finally started to try to rebuild the marriage within the last 3 months or so. It has been a slow process that has been exhausting for me. K feel like I am getting to the point where the struggles and pain aren't worth it anymore. I feel she will only do just enough to say she is doing something. He lack of effort will be what makes me walk away. If it wasn't for the kids I would probably already be gone. Getting some help from Harboring Hope would be a god send. I keep praying for supernatural healing.

My husbands affair has been the most painful experience of my life but through it all I / we have kept the ember of hope alive that our marriage would survive. We are working with a great therapist both individually and together. I see my husband uncovering long buried issues and beginning to heal and open up. I am beginning to move through some of the soul shattering pain and dismay that the affair,lies and deceit have brought into our relationship but still fall frequently back to the emotions of D day I decided from the first to use every resource available to educate and support myself about living in the shattering world of betrayal and infidelity. I’m a long long way from trust and respect for my husband but would like to believe that those things are obtainable in the future. In the beginning I spent way too much time trying to figure out how to fix him and what he needed to do. A few of those thoughts were very valid!! But I realized I can’t control his recovery and have switched focus to learning how to care for me, learning how to live this changed life with as much grace as possible. And then there are the days that pain overwhelms and I can’t stop crying.....

My situation is a very complicated for many reasons - including the fact that we were separated when he had the affair.

I believe he is a narcissist. He is emotionally & verbally abusive and constantly devaluing me.

I moved out in hopes that he would finally agree to go to counseling. Nothing changed, in fact he got worse - so I told him I was “done”.

But when we started seeing each other again - having unprotected sex - he lied to me about not having been with anyone else. He made me believe that he wanted to work on things and go to marriage counseling. He was seeing us both for over a month before I did some detective work and found out about her.

He then decided to go public with her after I found out. Showed no remorse - told me that we were not together.

It took several months for him to finally apologize and say that he wanted to go to counseling. We’ve seen several counselors and nothing has changed.

He denies that it was even an affair.

My husband has been a multiple offender when it comes to infadellity. It's finally gotten to a time in our lives where he sees his errors and longs for forgiveness, happiness within our marriage and even connection which is very difficult for him in general. I love him so much. He's asked me to renew our vows this July for our 20th wedding anniversary. I want to do that and see it as a fresh start. My problem is that I can't seem to find healing from the years of hurt. I feel almost selfish because when he's being there for me I'm fighting with the memories of what he used to be. I desperately want to heal from it so I can stop flooding in my hurt and so I can stop living in fear of what he will hide from me next. I want to see the new him. The him who is chasing after Jesus Christ for the first time in his life. The him who is genuinely sorry for hurting me. I want to stop seeing the cheater and liar. I feel like I've forgiven him, so how can I fix my broken heart and mind? Thank you for the videos and advice. You all do a good work for people like me.

It's been 1.5 years since D-Day with my husband of 17 years. We started therapy immediately but he quit after 6 months and continued to carry on the affair until only a few months ago. His AP is a colleague, 15 yrs younger, newly married, and they carried on the entire affair while she was pregnant and 8 months into the birth of her first child. He claimed she was his sole mate and that he's never loved me or felt about me the way he did about her. I believe the affair was largely emotional with limited contact (it took place largely throughout the COVID restrictions in our country, but i had evidence of 100's of text exchanges occurring daily) but also found evidence of sexting with yet another colleague on multiple occasions during the time period and i know he's always had a preference for porn.

Despite all of the above, i can't seem to stop doing everything in my power to make our home the place for him to stay. I avoid every argument, cater to his every need and whim and never confronted him with anything i knew (beyond the initial D-day). I realize now that i have serious issues with co-dependency but can't seem to envision a life ahead as a single mom in my 40's with 3 school age children.

I'm pretty certain my husband doesn't even consider his emotional affair an actual affair and while he's confided in his family that our marriage has fallen apart, he hasn't shared his affair in any part of it. I have combed through this website and found so much valuable information to lean on, but the devastation of going through this, the living in limbo for over a year, and the isolation i feel has broken me.

I’m still harboring hope and I’d like to take the course. I believe it would help in my healing from multiple D Days, different affairs, types of affairs and inappropriate behavior starting before we were married until the last d day February 2021, spanning an almost 20 year period. We’re making progress but I think taking this course would be another step in the right direction.

This pain cannot possibly be measured. Our marriage was the most "perfect" on the planet. He said that it had nothing to do with me. It had everything to do with me! MY husband, MY children, deceiving MY parents, MY bed, MY pillow! And yet, sadly, I realize that he was right. He had a sex life that had absolutely nothing to do with me-his trusting and faithful wife. Any and all so-called pleasure he derived from his multiple affairs has been incinerated by his horror and shame. But why-oh-why must I suffer for what he did? Due to his PTSD and depression he is unable to participate in any counseling but rather seeks treatment from a psychiatrist. My own experience with a Christian counselor actually harmed me and I am unwilling to be that vulnerable to further pain with someone else. Affair Recovery has been my life line for the past 2 years. I share helpful videos with my husband and then we are able to have a conversation. I am scratching and clawing for ANYTHING that will help us!

My husband has been all I have wanted for so many years. We made two beautiful children and I was so happy and proud of my marriage. Last year, while pregnant with our second child he had an affair. He emotionally and sexually cheated: I did not find out until may of this year and I have been devastated by this. We were in counseling during the affair itself and I was working really hard on being all of the things he said that I wasn’t at the time… since finding out I have felt completely stuck and my daily life is being affected so much by this. I feel I can’t move forward but I love him so much and have never felt I wanted anything but him and this marriage. I know he wants to reconcile but we have had such a hard time moving past discovery and the feelings that have come up with that. I want to be happy and am ready to take the leap towards that no matter what it means. This isn’t the life I pictured for my kids and I was brought up in a home with infidelity .. so this has been so frightening for me to experience in my own marriage and I don’t want to make mistakes like I felt my own parents did in dealing with it.

I'd take like to be able to take this course as I'm feeling desperate and helpless to save or marriage after I destroyed it 1.5 years ago by starting down a path towards adultery. My husband alternates between depression, anger, grief and numbness but thinks there is no hope. I've devoured all the free resources on the AR website but don't have money to spend on the courses even if my husband would get on board. I need help!