Affair Recovery

Early on in recovery, life is simple to describe: chaotic. Emotions are all over the map, wounds are fresh and open, and vulnerability is at an all-time high. The slightest conversation can turn toxic in one-two hundredth of a second. Trying to find any form of stability seems next to impossible. One day things seem hopeful and peaceful and everyone seems amicable. The next day, anger and flooding take hold and the future of the entire marriage and family seems at risk.

It’s enough to push either spouse over the edge. It’s much easier to wallow in despair and hopelessness than it is to believe that somehow things are going to be OK.

Our stability early on was our kids. Yes, I was a pastor, but I couldn’t find God anywhere it seemed. I was in a haze of condemnation and...

Lately things have been rather challenging to say the least. There’s been far more frustration and far more disappointment than I care to itemize or re-live. Such is life I know, and anyone reading this blog for perspective and insight will attest to life being less than perfect right now.

Last night Samantha and I were lying down just talking through the day and life and all the recent developments. It struck me to remember how much we’ve come through in our marriage and in our recovery. It grieved me with how easily I can forget all that’s transpired and be paralyzed by fear in an instant. Something inside of me is still painfully fragile. After all we’ve been through, all we’ve survived, all that God has allowed us to overcome and triumph over, I should be fearless....

It’s been 8 years since “D-Day.” (disclosure)  It’s not uncommon that when I’m talking to a couple in crisis or sharing my story, someone will eventually ask me one of the following questions: “Is it really that good, I mean, doesn’t she hold it over your head?” “Aren’t you still a doormat?” “Do you ever really get over it?” “Are you still glad you saved your marriage?” “Was it really worth it?”

Yes.  I’m thrilled we saved our marriage.  She does NOT hold it over my head.  It’s very good, better than I ever thought imaginable.  You’re never really ‘over it’ in some cavalier, ‘pretend it never happened’ kind of way.  Although by the 2nd year we had gained so much momentum in recovery, we knew we were never going back and we were going to come out on...

Almost 20 years of marriage has taught Samantha and me that we are both stuffers. We both hate conflict for different reasons and are avoiders. I hate conflict because I really just want life to be free flowing and I have enough stress to manage in life with bills, kids and responsibilities. Samantha hates conflict because it isn’t her forte, and stirs within her feelings of insecurity.  

I’m quite sure the beginning stages of my moral failure was directly due to Samantha and I stuffing down our needs, desires and overall feelings in marriage and in life. Samantha and I were each facing our own issues and inadequacies, and we both were busy making a living and raising a family. From hurt feelings, misunderstandings, judgments and unmet expectations, marriage is a hot bed...

Part of the “why” of my affair (see earlier blog post) was craving the applause of others. I was surrounded by a crowd of people, most of whom adored me and thought I was the greatest thing since sliced bread. You could say I was addicted to the applause of the congregation and people around me, as well as my affair partner.

At home however, I felt like a 4th kid. Samantha has come to grips with this treatment so this post isn’t about how she failed to do her duty.

It’s more about how we as men, and as women as well, crave applause. I was celebrated everywhere I went. I had worked hard to earn the admonition and the celebration of a sea of people.

The problem was, it was seductive. I had won their devotion, their applause and their affirmation. I was loved and I...

Why did he do it? Why did she do it? What made them risk their lives and their family for such a stupid rush? What could propel them to risk it all, for some tramp or some prostitute? Why did they affair-down? Just how deep does the dysfunction and/or addiction really go?

I’ve talked to many who have spent months and years, several years actually, trying to find the ‘why’ of the affair(s). From numerous visits to therapists, counselors, pastors, and friends, to endless books, seminars, and retreats, the ‘why’ of it all is a quest all betrayed spouses are on.

The good news is: there is a why. There is probably more than one.

The bad news is: it will take the right kind of process to discover what it is.

The worse news is: it will never be a some cavalier...

The flow of recovery outside of any pathway or established curriculum is usually chaos, and even within those proven pathways are significant wind changes. The up’s the down’s, the back and forth, the uncertainty of what is going on behind the scenes is enough to push you to want to quit, only about every other day. It really does produce a chaotic uncertainty about what each day will look like, or each weekend with the kids will or won’t look like. It may also paint a picture of what the impending separation or divorce will one day feel like and look like.

Usually, when someone wants to interrupt the chaos of it all, unless there is a strategy involved, it’s a stubborn move of desperation. It typically is something along the lines of cutting off all communication with their...

It’s a daily comment I hear from both spouse’s on both sides of the infidelity:  “They won’t hear anything I say.” “They just don’t get it.”  “They don’t respond to anything I say.”

In reality, your spouse can’t hear what you’re saying. They may not WANT to hear you, but fact is, objectivity is lost, they have tuned you out and you’ve probably become noise to them.

If you’ve been married for any length of time, you have a lens that you see each other through from all the years of marriage prior to the affair.  That lens is thick and when you’re talking, your spouse is seeing you and hearing you through that lens of past behavior, previous actions, hurts, wounds, and resentment. If you’re the unfaithful and you’re trying to get your spouse to hear you,...

In no uncertain terms, recovery will have its moments of agony and extreme frustration. It will not look like you want it to look, and it will not feel like you want it to feel. To say you will wish it will speed up is an understatement. I can remember several times where I just yelled in my car “I just don’t get it……why is this so (bleeping) hard!!???!!??!!” I can remember times of extreme agony at how Samantha and I were stuck for so long, or that every inch of healing and restoration came with a price of extreme frustration, misunderstanding, some yelling and a desire to quit about every week. I hated myself and I hated recovery.

Time after time, it was as if there was this poking and prodding to just give up. What could be poked at was poked at. What could be frustrated was...

It’s very common during the recovery journey, that there will be moments where things seem to go well. Maybe it’s a good conversation, physical intimacy, a good few days, or just better perspective as a whole. You’re grateful for any semblance of momentum.

Then, before you know it, another bad day. Whether it is a reminder, a trigger, new information, someone sees the affair partner, or what seems like a series of a thousand triggers, things go to crap in a heartbeat and we can be feel a set back again. It can seem as though we take two steps forward and thirty seven steps backward and all in the same week or 48 hour period.

It’s short lived momentum, and to this day I’m grateful for it.  Early on Samantha and I had more ups and downs than a rollercoaster. We lost...

Infidelity absolutely rips at the seams of self-reliance.  I was in fact, one of those people years ago. I believed the adage “If it was to be, it was up to me.” I was a “make it happen” kind of guy indeed. I believed my destiny and the outcome of anything was up to me and my choices and my ability. My self-will factor was off the charts.

Then my infidelity surfaced and my life was ripped apart. One of the biggest struggles of my recovery was absorbing the reality that I was NOT in control of Samantha’s recovery. I was barely in charge of my own recovery due to the fact that I was such a mess mentally, emotionally and even spiritually.

Success in life seduces us into self-reliance and self-sufficiency. When we hit a crisis and life changing events like infidelity,...

One of the greatest needs during marital crisis, and especially marital crisis due to infidelity, is objectivity. The case for objectivity is iron clad, as it provides an irreplaceable ingredient for stabilization and understanding.  

It’s a pretty fair assumption that much of what you say to your spouse is going to be seen through the filter of the years of history you all have as a couple. There is a lens they will see you through, and that lens is clouded with blame, justification, childhood issues, anger and several other factors. The fact is they just can’t hear you. You’re not the objective one. In their eyes, you’re the one who’s either made them cheat or you’re the cheater. You’re the one who has forced their hand, or has been led to seek affirmation, love and...

At some level, this post will be a bit controversial.  For some it will strike a chord of agreement, and for others it may cause some grief.  I get both sides, but my intention here is to encourage, while also offering insight from someone who has personally gone through infidelity as well as helps those who are currently trying to break free, heal and gain much needed perspective. 

Time after time I see a very well intending counselor, pastor or other clergy member attempting to give insight, advice or counsel to those who are going through this nightmare, yet they themselves have never been through it.  It certainly doesn’t mean they shouldn’t give encouragement, perspective and support, or even professional insight; however if they have never been through...

I was studying for a message the other day and stumbled upon a fantastic sermon. I didn’t catch his name, but I heard an analogy that was spot on for crisis and transition in life.

When in the birthing room, there are typically three key individuals in the room: the mother, the baby, and the midwife. In the process of birth, the baby comes to what they call the “point of transition,” or “the point of no return.” The baby is no longer in the womb, and but is not yet in the world. It’s a transition, but it’s a unique place. It’s this backdrop which creates the image of the three key players, or in this case, three stages we go through as a couple or an individual who is trying to heal.

The mother is consumed by the pain. Of course she is, it hurts like hell. She is...