Dear Rick,

My husband and I had an argument the other day and would like your help in navigating through the communication issues involved. We were working on finances, and my husband stated that our accountant had treated him "like s*&t" following the revelation of his affair. This is the accountant that worked with me day in and day out for many months to help in multiple legal and financial issues that arose from my husband losing his job due to the affair. This accountant was very professional and just doing her job and worked tireless hours (for which she was paid of course) to clean up lots of financial and legal messes created by my husband's infidelity.

I took offense over his comment about the way she treated him and told him that she had been like an angel in helping me get through a very difficult time. It felt to me that my husband was being defensive and acting like he was the victim in a situation which he himself caused. He said he was just trying to be authentic with his feelings and that he didn't mean to make a big deal about it. I felt that he needed to acknowledge that she treated him with professional respect in a very difficult situation.

As I began to get escalated, he told me to put on my heart monitor :) and we called a time out.

Here's our question: Are we each allowed to express whatever we think by saying we are just trying to be authentic? Is it appropriate to challenge a person's perspective by stating another way to look at the situation? What should I have said to him when he said our accountant treated him like s*&t?

My husband said he is trying to learn the difference between clarifying his feelings and being defensive. Can you help?

Hello Rick,

I am the hurt spouse. My wife and I have just completed Week 9 (Married for Life) Anger management. As I read back through the chapter for Anger Management in our EMSO book, it describes three distinct states of anger. Aggressive, Assertive, Passive. I am looking for an example of how an Aggressive person can become Assertive. I struggle with the concepts as I've always viewed assertive people as being aggressive in getting their voice heard. My wife and I use the example of a school teacher. Most teachers must be assertive in the class room in order for students to learn without letting chaos rule. Those teachers use different methods and techniques to keep the peace and, hopefully, a stable learning environment. Can you give me an example of what is meant by being assertive? Thanks - Adam