Betrayal- The Consequences and The True Definition of Love

As a young man I loved Easter, but probably not for normal reasons. I’m afraid my mom never really grew up. There was nothing she loved better than watching her kids hunt Easter eggs. This began to present a problem however as we grew older. The thought of running around carrying Easter baskets while mom was filming seemed a bit absurd at the age of 25. Mom, however, insisted it was a tradition and traditions should never be broken.

Thankfully the problem was solved by age 26 when mom figured that all of us young married couples were desperately in need of cash and would do just about anything for a few extra dollars. The solution was elegant. They would simply place $300 in small bills into dozens of plastic eggs and have us try to find the money. You can only imagine the ensuing mayhem.

Mom has since passed as well as my naïve views of Easter. At 55, I now realize this season represents the key to all successful relationships. Whatever you believe about the man “Jesus”, this season still represents history’s most poignant example of love.

In our culture, love is most frequently portrayed as an overwhelming feeling of attraction and desire for another. In the “Land of Disney” it is a magical force propelling us into “happily ever after”. Our soul’s resonate with this theme and we long for our chance to experience “true love”. This desire reveals our desperate need to be loved and to feel wanted.

Only problem is, the “Disney” theme of love exists only in movies and in the initial stages of a budding relationship. Those fledgling feelings are never sustained over a lifetime of marriage. You never see Disney films portraying this type of love in couples struggling with rebellious teenagers. In fact, the exact opposite is far more likely to be depicted. Individuals wrestling with the question of whether to stay are standard fare for stories of those who are married.

Our confusion is understandable. If I had a hundred dollar bill in one hand and a counterfeit in the other and offered them to you, which would you take? I hope it would be the real bill. But, if you were raised believing the counterfeit was real and the real was counterfeit, which would you take? That’s the problem with our understanding of love and relationships. We’re all amazingly disoriented believing the counterfeit is real and the real is counterfeit. I’d invite you to consider that maybe you don’t know what true love is.

Buddha said that “life equals suffering”, but he missed the bigger truth that it’s really “love equals suffering”. Arguably, the greatest act of love represented in human history is Jesus walking the Via Dolorosa (the way of suffering). This story powerfully portrays this reality. Where there is betrayal, if there is to be reconciliation, then the one who’s been betrayed ultimately pays the cost for the betrayal. Jesus exemplified this reality. He taught love rather than justice and even chose to pay the price for the crimes committed against him. He actually cared enough about for others that he was willing to be crucified so they could have a chance for life. Jesus taught that people change more by contrast than by conflict. When betrayed he responded with love not justice or vengeance. His sacrificial love had such a powerful impact on those around him that they became willing to die for the sake of that same cause.

In order for a husband to be reconciled to his wife who’s betrayed him, he has to walk through the hurt inflicted by her betrayal and ultimately forgive her failure to love, if they are to ever have a meaningful relationship. There is no way she can actually bear the pain for her failure. She can be remorseful for what she’s done can make efforts to assure it doesn’t repeat, but he is the one carrying the pain.

Now her mate may, out of a sense vengeance or of control, fail to love and attempt to hurt her in return, but this is the beginning of a separate offense. If that occurs she’ll have to walk through the hurt inflicted by his failure to love and ultimately forgive his failure to maintain his vows of love.

Jesus taught that love is a willingness to lay your life down for the sake of another. That love isn’t about trying to get the offending party to pay. It’s about a willingness to cover a debt that they could never pay. (That’s not to say the injuring party shouldn’t do everything within their power to help the injured mate heal. There’s no amount of penance the injuring spouse can pay for their failure to love.)

Please don’t think I’m saying that love recklessly reconciles with someone who is unsafe or hard-hearted. Love acts in the best interest of others, but if the one committing the offense is hardhearted, unwilling to accept responsibility and chooses not to commit and honor the relationship then it wouldn’t be in their best interest to reconcile and allow them to continuing acting in a destructive manner.

It’s tragic when, after injuring others, we fail to comprehend the impact of our actions on those around us. Unless we understand and care about the costs our actions inflict on others, then we’ll never perceive the blessing we receive from those who choose to love us rather than leave us. When I injure my wife through carelessness or selfishness, the person bearing the pain for my actions is my wife. Her choice to love and forgive comes at great personal expense. She chooses to give me the gift of love rather than the rejection. I witness her love each time she chooses to put up with the pain my actions inflict in order to be with me

As you go through this Easter season I hope you’ll begin to look at the message Jesus was delivering about love. No greater love has any man than he lay his life down for another. There is no greater example of this truth than in couples where there is reconciliation following a betrayal. No one will ever convince me that there are no modern day miracles. Every time I see a couple come back together, I witness a shadow of God’s greatest miracle: the miracle of reconciliation.