Pain and How to Respond, Part 2

My back went out on Sunday, and it sure was inconvenient. I had all kinds of plans for Memorial Day, but I could hardly function. There was a constant low-grade pain, but that was nothing compared to the spasms I experienced when I moved the wrong way. I began to notice how my fear of those spasms kept me ever aware of the problem, and how intentional my movements became as I attempted to avoid triggering that pain.

Sad to say, but this isn't my first rodeo when it comes to my back. I know the options. I can stay flat on my back, but I won't have much of a life. I can take drugs, but I only mask the symptoms. I can get depressed and despondent, but nothing much will change. I can even take it out on my family, and while lashing out may temporarily help relieve my frustration, any of these approaches will only bring short term relief. If I want to get on with life, I’ll have to go back to all of those exercises my physical therapist gave me, and in time, I’ll get my life back.

Last week’s newsletter addressed the problem that pain was creating for people on the ARC forums. We discussed that our response to the hurt and pain could be taken from three different perspectives. The emotional pain created by betrayal is no different than my back pain. First, we can let the emotions created by the pain (or the fear of future pain) drive our responses (which may bring short term relief, but wind up hurting self and others in the process). Second, we can take a rational approach trying to determine what response would be the most beneficial. Third, we can choose to respond from a contemplative perspective where we consider God, love, and wisdom.

Last week we examined the problem with emotionally driven responses. When we’re in an emotional state we’re incapable of rational thought, and we’ll do things that we later regret. Just yesterday alone, I spoke with two people who were contemplating suicide to stop the pain and one who was considering homicide. I find it interesting that all three were attempting to accomplish the same thing; they wanted to transmit their pain to others, rather than grieving the pain and allowing it to be transformed. Both approaches were attempts to punish others who had hurt them. All three could admit their thinking was off, but the impulses still remained to hurt back.

We can also approach pain from a rational perspective. We can think through our potential responses, and evaluate which is most likely to produce the desired outcome. We can set goals and determine if a potential response is consistent with our goal. We can choose how we want to act and choose to act accordingly. From a rational perspective, we can evaluate our emotional impulses and determine whether or not they are based on truth or on feelings.

Emotionally driven responses tend to be reflexive in nature. Rational responses are thought out and chosen. Emotionally driven responses typically don’t take long-term consequences into consideration. They are about “what I want or need” in the moment. The rational approach thinks through the consequences and evaluates the benefit.

In the initial stages, most people dealing with infidelity have difficulty making a rational decision. The pain is so intense it’s natural for the first response to be emotionally driven. We have to be intentional in order to step back and consider the responses from a rational perspective.

While dealing with pain from a rational perspective has major benefits in bringing sanity to our reactions to the pain, it has limits in helping with the pain. The rational mind wants to know why. We can falsely believe that if we find the answer to why that will somehow help ease our pain, but it doesn’t. Have you ever had some cool insight into how you are, only to find you keep doing the same thing, but at least you understand why? I’ve come to the point, when people come looking for answers to why in hopes of getting relief, of telling them to come back in a year. Then I’ll give them the answer. I explain that no answer to the question of why will help the pain they’re experiencing from their rejection. The paincreated by loss has to be grieved, and there’s no way to intellectualize yourself through the process of grieving. Grieving is something you do, not something you try to understand. You have to allow yourself to experience the pain and eventually find meaning in the pain.

This brings us to the contemplative perspective. This third approach considers the situation from God’s perspective, or from the perspective of love. It accepts that life’s not about me, rather I’m supposed to be about life. These responses aren’t necessarily rational, but are the most beneficial at bringing peace, understanding, and freedom. Emotionally driven responses and rational responses are egocentric in nature. They are taken from the perspective of self-protection and personal gain. . The contemplative perspective accepts that there is a God who is at the center, and I’m not him. Responses derived from a spiritual perspective tend to be paradoxical in nature. Instead of an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth, it’s about forgiving their offense rather than making them pay. It’s about mercy rather than judgment, that the way up is the way down, and that the first shall be last, and the last will be first. It’s an understanding that love acts in the best interest of another, not in my own best interest. Viewing pain from this perspective can provide meaning and purpose in the pain. It can help expand your capacity for love and connection, even in the midst of the crisis. It allows the individual to find a sense of stability, even when the world is in chaos. The contemplative perspective isn’t dependent on understanding why, in order to find peace and meaning. Some people might describe this perspective as one of wisdom versus reason.

For those of you struggling with emotional flooding, here’s a simple exercise to help regulate the emotion, and help you find more productive responses.

Take a piece of paper and draw three columns:

When you find yourself flooding from the pain, take your three columns and write how you could respond from each of the three perspectives. You’ll find that stepping back and taking the time to consider your best response will not only help in your relationships, but it will help with your personal healing and your self respect.

As an example: suppose you’re watching a movie and there’s a scene depicting an affair similar to the one your mate had. You feel the hurt and the anger come rushing in. How do you respond?

Hopefully, this little exercise will give you a new tool to consider how to respond.

At the ARC we believe the path to forgiveness to be far more liberating than the path of vindictiveness. I hope in your journey that you can find your way to forgiveness and peace.