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How do you respond to blackmail?
How do you respond to blackmail? I received the following e-mail after 12 AM last night. I’m curious, what would you do? How do you deal with someone who's trying to manipulate you into doing something they want?
“My mate has been on an angry tirade the last 2 days. I've done my best to stay calm, but tonight was unbelievable… Tonight, he was in a rage and was yelling at me and belittling me. I asked for a timeout and went to my bedroom, but the screaming continued through my bedroom door. Because I was scared and didn’t feel safe, I left the house, but in my haste I left my shoes and contact lenses. I came back 10 minutes later, only to find that I am now locked out with chairs stacked up against the door. I finally pushed past the barriers and found him typing on his phone. He said, "You're gonna sit down and talk to me, or I'm gonna post details about your affair on your Facebook!" I told him threats and abuses were not an effective technique to persuade me to talk. Anyway, we started talking and things went well for the first 15 minutes. After that, the conversation turned ugly and he threatened again to post information about my affair. “I understand you’re hurting, but hurting me and trying to get me to beg you not to hurt me isn’t the answer to our problem. You’ll really hurt me if you do that, but I know that begging you not to won’t work, because in the long run you’re going to do what you want anyway”. So he did it. He posted an entire paragraph about how I cheated in 2006 and slept with my affair partner in our house. It took about 10 minutes for me to delete the post.
As I’ve mentioned before, he seems compelled to keep taking things up a notch until he ‘breaks’ me. My question is... how do I remain focused and stable when this is the kind of craziness I'm dealing with? Any advice?"
Before we begin, let me state that I realize this problem is activated by the betrayal of a loved one. It is the ensuing pain and fear that trigger the response. In fact there is a good chance had it not been for her betrayal, this type of behavior might never have occurred, but at the same time my mate is never my problem my mate only reveals the problem in me. Are we courageous enough to honestly look at our behaviors and evaluate whether that's the way we want to respond?
Also, let me state that this newsletter is a simplification. Both the scope and the length of this newsletter prohibit my fully addressing this issue. Nevertheless, I find this to be a common problem for couples during the first year of recovery. For the sake of brevity, I will limit my comments in this newsletter to the reasons why this might occur. In the next newsletter, I will make recommendations on how to respond and how to control this type of anger.
There can be multiple factors behind this type of manipulative behavior. Some are based on getting your mate to understand and others are attempts to deal with the intense pain created by the betrayal.
If you have been deeply wounded by your mate, it may not feel safe to reengage or recommit to the relationship until you believe they’ve taken responsibility for their hurtful actions, and you feel they understand what they have done to you. Taking responsibility and making the effort to understand how their actions have wounded you would communicate caring and concern for you. This provides a pathway for reconciliation. If, however, you feel that your mate doesn’t understand or care what they have done, then there may be an obsession to get them to understand how badly they've hurt you and to see if they really care what they've done to you.
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How could I possibly understand "her" by trying to get her to listen to "me"? |
To this day I can still hear Stephanie asking: “How loud am I going to have to get before you hear me?” For me, those words served as a cue to stop explaining or justifying and just listen to both her words and her heart. I found that listening to what she was trying to communicate and validating her feelings was like giving her much needed air. However, if I continued to focusing on getting her to understand me, then she’d continue to escalate in a desperate attempt to get me to understand her. I was so dense that I’d tell my friends how “I couldn’t understand her because she wouldn’t listen to me.” I thought I knew exactly what needed to happen and knew that if Stephanie had any sense, she would see things from my perspective. I was so arrogant and I thought I knew exactly what she was thinking. I believed that the problem wasn’t my inability or unwillingness to understand her, the problem was really her inability to feel and see things from my perspective. In hindsight, I can see how absolutely ridiculous my thought process was. How could I possibly understand "her" by trying to get her to listen to "me"?
If your mate continues to crank up the volume in an attempt to get you to understand, you might want to consider the possibility that you don’t "get it". At the very least, you’ve failed to prove to them that you have heard the message coming from the depth of their heart. If that’s the case, not only will your mate find it impossible to stop trying to get you to understand, but they’ll find it difficult, at best, to recommit to you.
Self protection manifested in unforgiveness is another factor leading to manipulative behaviors. Pain that is not transformed will be transmitted. Each of us has to choose how we’re going to respond to the wounds inflicted by others. When we feel mistreated or disregarded by those we love we experience a type of primal panic. The pain created by the betrayal of a mate can be visceral. Human beings by nature are relational. In fact, to us relationships are as important as air and water. The worst punishment you can give a human being is solitary confinement. Without relationships we will eventually go insane and die. Relational wounds create an e-motion that propels us to a-motion. One option is to abandon my relationship with the offending party and avoid further hurt by disengaging from the source of the pain. That option is easily implemented if that person is just an acquaintance. But, if they are close, such as a spouse or a family member, then disengaging from that relationship won’t be so simple.
If we choose to continue in the relationship, we’ll have to address that pain. One approach is to suppress the hurt, ignore the offense, and pretend everything is normal. While this can allow for continued relationship, anger, loneliness, feelings of inferiority, or psychosomatic disorders will be the net consequence. Pain that is not transformed will be transmitted, and at some point the pain from that offense will be expressed either consciously or unconsciously.
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Self-protection becomes the goal and loneliness the consequence. |
Another option is justice. An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth seems to be the natural bent for us humans. It feels as though you have no right to relationship with me until you have paid in like kind for your hurtful actions toward me. I will be unwilling to recommit to be in relationship with you until retribution is made or exacted. This approach seems fair, but even if the offending party takes full responsibility for the hurtful behaviors, vengeance rarely stops the pain. In fact, there is a tendency to continue extracting revenge far beyond the initial offense, because I believe that you need to continue hurting until I stop hurting. The only problem is it leaves the offended party full of bitterness and resentment, robbing them of the opportunity to heal or to have peace since this approach requires that they play the role of tormentor. The steady drone of internal voices screaming “don’t trust” eliminate any possibility of moving forward to a new life. Self-protection becomes the goal and loneliness the consequence. You rob yourself of other options. I refuse to trust that you have my best interest at heart, that you’ve got my back, and instead I feel that you’re still out to hurt me.
Self-protection also manifests itself in the form of “magical thinking”. This is rooted in the belief that if you spoke just the right words then somehow my pain would dissipate and I would be okay. While that would be a blessing if it could work that way, it’s just not reality. It’s called magical thinking because it’s just that. There’s no basis in reality or fact. Magical thinking deludes some individuals into believing the answer to “why” will somehow ease their pain. But it never does. The process of transforming pain takes time and commitment. It requires walking through the pain, not trying to skip over it.
Others refuse recommitment because they refuse to believe their mate is sincere and acting in their best interest. Anytime I hear this one I’m suspicious. It’s impossible to judge the motives or intentions of another. I can only judge others by how I would respond given the same circumstance. Saying “they don’t believe their mate has their best interest at heart” only suggests that the one making that statement probably doesn’t have their mate’s best interest at heart.
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Even if the behavior feels compulsive, don't despair there is hope. |
Finally, there are times when a wound caused by betrayal can create a type of obsessive compulsive disorder. In this scenario, the behavior is caused by a chemical imbalance and may need both medical and psychological treatment. For example, last year I received a text where one person wrote: “I’m being emotionally abusive and I’m having trouble stopping. My mate hasn’t even said anything mean back to me, but I just can’t stop. I’ve been taking timeouts, but the urge won’t go away. I’m consumed with these destructive thoughts, and it feels like they won’t go away until they are said. I’ve driven my spouse to the verge of suicide. What’s wrong with me?" Even if the behavior feels compulsive, don't despair there is hope. While self-will may not be sufficient to control this type of impulse, there are several medical and psychotherapy approaches which do work, but you will need to seek professional help.
Please hang in there. I know this newsletter is intense and all I've done is focus on how things can be mishandled. In two weeks, we’ll talk about the healthy way to transform the pain as we begin to explore the answers to the problems: How does the offended party respond to the pain? How does the offender respond to their mate’s pain?
Please leave your comments and questions. I’m hoping we can have a good discussion on this topic.
What type of affair was it?
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Comments
Re: self preservation mode
I am 8 weeks into the explosive news of an infidelity (14 months long). 19 years of marriage and 5 children together and here we are. I have now slipped into self preservation mode because I believe (although not seeing "her" anymore) he is still in crisis. I was being very patient and empathetic and offered forgiveness right away. Now that I have spent 2 months in recovery from this, tending to my children as usual, his selfish behavior continues as usual. Now, I'm at the point where I cannot communicate with him even with the counselor present and found myself "losing it" at our last session, so of course I looked and felt like a nut. I just keep asking myself, "what is wrong with this picture? You cheated and now I have to "prove" to YOU why you should still love me? I think I'm in up side down world. "He said he is sorry, so what else do I want from him, he asks. He is paralyzed with guilt and shame and because 2 of our kids are still young (5 and 8), he is taking full advantage of the "pretend everything is normal" routine. I stand by my offer of grace and forgiveness, but he does not really "get it" like you stated. Promising to not to have another affair is kind of "the given" and assumed information. I'd like to believe there is nothing he can say or do to make up for this pain and I'm certainly not in "revenge" mode, but there is more to all of this and he just keeps looking at me queerly and asking, "what do you want from me?" He is not a very good communicator in the first place and in order to get any kind of repair going on the trust issues with me and our 3 older daughters (17, 15, 14) he needs to be transparent and he is far from altering any of his poker nights, football parties, overtime shifts, secretly purchasing cars he likes to fix up and resell as a side hobby, adding to that 2 bible studies to see if any of that "church stuff" as he calls it, will help. He is attending a different church then the res of us because some of the people know about our issues. These are obviously only short little glimpses, but after giving up on "fixing", and reading everything that says to just work on yourself and go to the gym, be happy, blah blah blah, I am trying to focus on that and just wait him out with the communicating. His counselor uses the phrase "keep moving forward" and I am, but not with him until he works on more communication skills by himself. Sometimes I just wish someone would SHAKE HIM and tell him, " DUDE, YOU ARE SCREWED UP...GET IT TOGETHER OR YOUR GOING TO LOSE YOUR FAMILY!"
betrayl
I cry everyday. I cannot trust him. He works just the hill from her. I stalk her everyday. I want to humiliate them both! Like they have done to me and my boys! In my head,even though he says it's over, they are still together. When I can't get ahold of him for hours on end, I believe he is with her! I don't know to ever believe him! Help!
The Other Woman (or man)
I would like to know how to heal when the OW attends the same church and was once my best friend/worst enemy. Also when that person thinks she has the right to have a relationship with my child (23) and after agreeing to leave him alone she is at it again. Am I wrong to think that the minute she stepped over the line with my husband she lost the right to have a relationship with anyone in his family.
"Blackmail"
Rick, I'd like to offer some advice as a "betrayed" spouse that might offer some insight. I notice the "betrayor" did not mention how much - if at all - she has apologized for her actions.I'm not going to get into my entire relationship, but here's the long and the short of it: I reacted foolishly and immaturely to my wife's negative qualities by withholding sex from her. She warned me of the consequences for over a year, and I simply ignored her. Between January and July of 2008 our marriage hit the skids, and I was like a deerm caught in the headlights. It finally got to the point I couldn't take any more, and on July 26, 2008, at 12:15 a.m., I proposed reconciliation to her. That night we had the greatest sex of our marriage. The next day she revealed that she had had an affair, a sevn month emotional affair followed by a one night stand.For five months she was sitting on a fence, not knowing where she wanted to go. During that period of time, I was oin my knees as many as five times a day, praying to the Almighty. Also during that period of time, we were attending church every Sunday for the first time in whatn was then an eleven year marriage. Again to make a long story short, mostly out of love but partly out of necessity we ended up staying together - to the point that in Feb., 2009, my wife observed that something was determined to keep us together - but we never really healed from the affair or my negative contributions. My wife stopped talking about divorce and began making short and long term plans, but her whole attitude toward the affair was "get over it." I'm a district leader for a minor political party. While I have issues with him, the county leader is excellent at fundraising, and out of gratitude toward organizations that suppoert him buys tables to their dinners. About a month ago my wife and I were on the way to a dinner when a song came on the radio, "I hope she cheats on you with a basketball player." I'll leave it to your imagination the effect this had on me. Not pretty. No threatening to post her affair, but lots of ranting and raving and low key anger.Three days after my temper tantrum cooled off, I came down with a nasty, nasty cold. I had to go to the doctor, but my wife had to use the car to take her aunt and mother shopping. While she was doing this, I went to some resources on adultery on the computer, and left one of them on. My wife always became angry when she saw me looking at them. I went ot the doctor, and after about fifteen minutes of waiting, she called me and asked what the story was. i was on a prepaid cell phone with very little time left, so i told her we'd continue the dicussion at home. We did, and we had four days of some of the most open, honest, and healing conversation we've had. The difference between all the other times and this time was that my wife finally decided to show me some empathy. Not sympathy, but empathy. She made me realize that I had erroneously built her paramour up to be an earthbound God, she told me that while her affair had had its moments it hadn't been "the moment," and she told me that it had felt so good only because I had been devoid in "servicing" her. She also told me she had had the affair because she had wanted to jettison the marriage. She called her falling in with her paramour "demonic." Then came two pieces of very sweet icing on the cake. First, I was getting out of the shower the next day, and she told me I was better endowed than her paramour. Then later on, she told me she had heard a sermon on inferiority, and understood now that my ranting and raving was not be trying to show how superior I was to her by ramming home her sin to her again and again, but me expressing my inferiority. Rick, SHE FINALLY GOT IT!!!!! I still don't feel completely healed but much, much, much better and freer than I've felt in a long time. Whether the remaining pieces of the puzzle fall in remains to be seen, but I have resolved this thing is no longer going to control me. I would of xourse need much more information to evaluate that woman's situation, but I would suggest from what little I know that she has failed to demonstrate empathy. Again, not to be confused with sympathy, empathy. She might benefit from the different way my wife finally decided to handle it.
"Blackmail"
Rick, I'd like to offer some advice as a "betrayed" spouse that might offer some insight. I notice the "betrayor" did not mention how much - if at all - she has apologized for her actions.I'm not going to get into my entire relationship, but here's the long and the short of it: I reacted foolishly and immaturely to my wife's negative qualities by withholding sex from her. She warned me of the consequences for over a year, and I simply ignored her. Between January and July of 2008 our marriage hit the skids, and I was like a deerm caught in the headlights. It finally got to the point I couldn't take any more, and on July 26, 2008, at 12:15 a.m., I proposed reconciliation to her. That night we had the greatest sex of our marriage. The next day she revealed that she had had an affair, a sevn month emotional affair followed by a one night stand.For five months she was sitting on a fence, not knowing where she wanted to go. During that period of time, I was oin my knees as many as five times a day, praying to the Almighty. Also during that period of time, we were attending church every Sunday for the first time in whatn was then an eleven year marriage. Again to make a long story short, mostly out of love but partly out of necessity we ended up staying together - to the point that in Feb., 2009, my wife observed that something was determined to keep us together - but we never really healed from the affair or my negative contributions. My wife stopped talking about divorce and began making short and long term plans, but her whole attitude toward the affair was "get over it." I'm a district leader for a minor political party. While I have issues with him, the county leader is excellent at fundraising, and out of gratitude toward organizations that suppoert him buys tables to their dinners. About a month ago my wife and I were on the way to a dinner when a song came on the radio, "I hope she cheats on you with a basketball player." I'll leave it to your imagination the effect this had on me. Not pretty. No threatening to post her affair, but lots of ranting and raving and low key anger.Three days after my temper tantrum cooled off, I came down with a nasty, nasty cold. I had to go to the doctor, but my wife had to use the car to take her aunt and mother shopping. While she was doing this, I went to some resources on adultery on the computer, and left one of them on. My wife always became angry when she saw me looking at them. I went ot the doctor, and after about fifteen minutes of waiting, she called me and asked what the story was. i was on a prepaid cell phone with very little time left, so i told her we'd continue the dicussion at home. We did, and we had four days of some of the most open, honest, and healing conversation we've had. The difference between all the other times and this time was that my wife finally decided to show me some empathy. Not sympathy, but empathy. She made me realize that I had erroneously built her paramour up to be an earthbound God, she told me that while her affair had had its moments it hadn't been "the moment," and she told me that it had felt so good only because I had been devoid in "servicing" her. She also told me she had had the affair because she had wanted to jettison the marriage. She called her falling in with her paramour "demonic." Then came two pieces of very sweet icing on the cake. First, I was getting out of the shower the next day, and she told me I was better endowed than her paramour. Then later on, she told me she had heard a sermon on inferiority, and understood now that my ranting and raving was not be trying to show how superior I was to her by ramming home her sin to her again and again, but me expressing my inferiority. Rick, SHE FINALLY GOT IT!!!!! I still don't feel completely healed but much, much, much better and freer than I've felt in a long time. Whether the remaining pieces of the puzzle fall in remains to be seen, but I have resolved this thing is no longer going to control me. I would of xourse need much more information to evaluate that woman's situation, but I would suggest from what little I know that she has failed to demonstrate empathy. Again, not to be confused with sympathy, empathy. She might benefit from the different way my wife finally decided to handle it.
I am the wounded spouse. All
I am the wounded spouse. All of what you said is me, not all at once, but throughout this time after D day it has been. The rollercoaster ride that never ends. Thank you, it actually made me feel better that others feel this way, I'm not alone and at least someone understands my pain. Thank you for sharing!!!
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