Pain Not Transformed Is Transmitted: Healing After An Affair

My dad had his feet burned off when he was an infant. Grandmom placed him too close to the warmth of the hearth and the blankets caught fire. His parents were outside working in the garden when they heard him cry. By the time they got back to the house it was too late.

That was a defining event for my dad. He was the second son of a poor share cropper’s family. There was already an element of shame that came from being poor, but being crippled added another dimension. What’s amazing about my dad is few people ever knew his feet were severely deformed. He lived his life in a way that kept others from knowing the truth of his physical condition. Some might consider that noble, but it came at a price. He lived with the fear that people might discover that he wasn’t as put together as he put on.

I’m the oldest of three boys and Dad did his best to raise us. He taught us the guiding principles that he lived by: any job worth doing is worth doing perfectly; never show weakness; always maintain the right image. For instance, I could never wear my shoes without socks because to dad that was a sign of poverty. We had to keep our hair cut short, because that was a sign we were decent folk. There was no individual expression because keeping up the image was the top priority. While there is nothing wrong with choosing to live by these principles, in Dad’s case, due to his shame, there was a flip side to the message: If you don’t do it perfectly, or if you show any weakness, or you let your image slip, people may discover truth. Inadvertently, Dad transmitted his untransformed pain to us. Somehow his inability to accept his condition and the ensuing shame was transmitted to my brothers and me. Maybe it was a case of guilt by association, but it was real.

I’m in no way judging my dad. In fact he is one of the most amazing men I’ve ever known. I know that his father transmitted much of his untransformed pain to him, and that much of his father’s pain was transmitted to him by his dad. To be honest, I’m not even sure I could have done as well has he did given his life circumstances. As I grow older, however, the last thing I want to do is transfer any of my pain to my children. I want to learn how to face issues head-on and not “pretend normal.” I want to learn how to be real about my life and to learn to be comfortable with the truth about who I am and what I’ve done. I want to learn to live life on life’s terms. I want to be free from resentments and bitterness. I want to do these things because it’s the only way to protect my children from my untransformed pain. I have to deal with the life I’ve been given. Understanding this truth is not only crucial for your children’s safety, but also crucial for healing after an affair.

Unfortunately, the innocent victims of infidelity are often our children, but we can at least minimize the collateral damage by doing our best to transform the pain rather than transmit the pain. Stephanie and I want our children to witness our willingness to take responsibility for our failings. I want to model how to grieve loss and move into the peace of acceptance. We want them to see us let go of our hurts.

The pain created by infidelity is far too often being transmitted rather than transformed. Our natural reaction is eye for eye and tooth for tooth rather than grieving, acceptance, and letting go. Letting go needs to happen even if reconciliation doesn’t. The last thing we want to do is pass our pain on to our kids. Life is hard enough with out gifting them our burdens.

This journey would be easier if we controlled our own emotions, but we don’t. We’re tossed back and forth between our desire for health and emotions that compel us to react out of our pain. We all need safe people to talk to who can understand and hold us in place during our dark moments. We need others who have already traveled this journey to give us hope. We need to know what to do even more than we need to know what not to do. It’s easy to identify how we don’t want to be, but finding the path to peace and healing after an affair can seem impossible.

As Einstein said, “No problem can be solved by the same consciousness that created it.” If our best thinking got us to this point, what makes us believe we know how to get out of here?

If your life’s a mess, (and you may not be the one responsible for creating the mess) don’t stay in that mess. Do something. I promise you haven’t done everything possible yet. Don’t limit your options by determining what you won’t do (such as get counseling, online therapy, go to groups, or taking a course). Have enough wisdom and humility to accept that maybe you don’t know the answers and be willing to reach out to others who can help. Get infidelity-specific help, go see a professional specializing in infidelity, talk to a pastor or rabbi, go to a 12 step group, or take one of our AR courses; but at least do something.

I wanted to do everything in my power not to pass my mess on to my children. I wanted to be able to look my children in the eyes and say “I did everything possible to heal and straighten things out.” I hope you feel the same. Please do something to improve your situation. I doubt that you’ve done everything yet.

The next enrollment period for Harboring Hope will be from June 20 – 27. If you’re the betrayed spouse and you haven’t already taken the course, I hope you’ll check it out. We have a special program for those learning about the HH program with a slew of free resources that will aide your journey regardless of your decision. To join our HH notification list and become eligible for a free Harboring Hope course click here. ____________

How has your pain been transformed? What setbacks did you experience before transforming it?