This week I'd like to discuss some of the least productive things those who were betrayed did after the infidelity came to light. Just as most people would agree that pouring fuel on a fire isn't particularly productive, those taking one of our past surveys agreed that after the affair was made known certain courses of action failed to be productive.

The Least Productive Actions Taken

The question, "What was the least productive thing those who were betrayed did after the infidelity came to light?" was structured with seven categories followed by an opportunity for participants to make other suggestions.

Suggested categories were as follows:

• 21.6% Believed my mate was telling me the truth
• 17% Didn't take action soon enough to heal
• 8.5% Punished mate by telling everyone I could about his/her affair
• 6.1% Confronted the affair partner
• 3.3% Refused to get help
• 3.3% Believed / acted on bad advice
• 3% Told the kids prematurely

Respondents also had the opportunity to supply their own unproductive actions:

• 32.5% Submitted other actions. Five themes stood out in their answers.
1. Tried to manage my mate's recovery.
2. Blamed myself for my mate's failure and tried to become someone I'm not.
3. Initially believed my mate, which caused me to minimize the extent of the problem.
4. Used rage and anger to transmit my pain.
5. Didn't get help soon enough.

A Deeper Analysis of Harmful Actions

What makes each of these actions so ineffective, and how much harm can they really do when healing after infidelity? Let's examine each action. While not exhaustive, I hope to speak to each action with compassion and insight.

1. 21.6% Believed my mate was telling me the truth:

22% of women and 19% of men chose this category. Previous surveys revealed that the question of "how to trust again?" is asked almost 2:1 over any other question. It is my understanding that people felt this was the least productive thing they did because it caused a further deterioration of trust after the affair. The continued deception perpetrated by the wayward spouse can cause the betrayed spouse to feel the fool and it distorts their judgment.

It is also related to the third suggested category: "Initially believed my mate, which caused me to minimize the extent of the problem."

Here are examples of the write-in submissions from this category:

2. 17% Did not take action soon enough to heal:

18% of women and 16% of men chose this category. It's not unusual for decision paralysis to set in after betrayal. Ambivalence is one of several contributing factors to decision paralysis – this is when two diametrically opposed beliefs effectively cancel each other out. A part of the betrayed spouse may believe for dignity's sake that they need to leave; while a separate part of them may want to save the marriage for the sake of the kids, or maybe they see a seemingly heartfelt change in their mate. Until one side wins out over the other, it's hard for the betrayed spouse to make a decision.

Hopelessness is another reason for decision paralysis, especially when it comes to deciding whether to give the marriage another shot. Without examples of others who have successfully worked through betrayal to achieve a better life, healing after infidelity seems impossible, resulting in little to no motivation to make an effort.

The pain of betrayal also serves as an inhibitor to seeking help after infidelity. With depression there is a loss of motivation, energy, and concentration. To some, simply getting out of bed each day feels like all they can do. What's sad is how the effects of the betrayal rob them of the motivation they need to heal.

Anger can also delay necessary healing. Feelings of injustice leads to a natural resistance to healing. The unfaithful did it, so why should the betrayed spouse need to do anything to heal? But if you're a passenger in a car accident, it's certainly not fair and not your fault you were hurt, but if you are to walk again you must do the hard work of rehabilitation. Bottom line: it's not fair, but hopefully we can accept our circumstances and choose to move forward into health. Surviving infidelity means courageously facing the unfairness of the situation.

It was interesting to me that so many respondents submitted "Didn't get help soon enough" when they supplied their own answers. Here are examples of the comments associated with this category:

Getting help and choosing to move forward can never come too soon. You don't have to know what you want to begin choosing life. You just need the courage to honestly look at your situation, your mate, and yourself. Wisdom is not about having the answers, it's accepting what you don't know. At the very least, do something to pursue healing. At Affair Recovery, one of our most effective steps forward is our intensive weekend for couples, EMS Weekend Retreat, which can help determine if a marriage is worth fighting for or if they need to throw in the towel. Other resources also exist such as therapists, BAN, and COSA. I urge you to take the first step toward healing.

3. 8.5% Punished mate by telling everyone I could about his/her affair:

8% of women and 10% of men confirmed that this was an unhelpful action after infidelity. It's also closely related to the fourth suggested category: Transmitted my pain though rage and anger.

It's natural, but not so helpful if the betrayed spouse seeks revenge for their mate's betrayal or if they use their mate's betrayal as a justification for transmitting their anger. Comments for this category were as follows:

Mistakes Provided by Respondents

Two other categories I want to mention were in the categories that respondents themselves supplied.

1. Trying to manage my mate's recovery:

26% of men and 15% of women wrote this one in. One of the first lessons I was taught in graduate school is that "I couldn't want recovery more than my client wanted recovery." I could never serve as my client's motivation, and the same is true in marriage. The betrayed spouse can never carry the motivation for their mate. They can't make them do anything. The unfaithful spouse has to find their own motivation if they are to move forward and if the marriage is to be restored.

Here are examples for this category:

2. Blamed myself for my mate's failure and tried to become someone I'm not:

This can occur because the unfaithful spouse blames their mate for their behavior, often to push away their guilt, and the betrayed spouse accepts the blame. These feelings and behaviors can also come from their fear of losing the relationship after the affair. It's interesting that men were almost twice as likely to do this as women. Examples of this type of comment were:

If you're in the midst of recovery and trying to survive infidelity I hope you'll learn from those who've gone before you.

Are you making decisions that bring new life and health, or are you still stuck in a spiral of destruction? I hope you'll choose life.