Handling Betrayal

Years ago, as a younger man, a single event radically altered my life. Returning home for the summer, I discovered that three years away at college had radically curtailed my circle of friends in my hometown. Making the effort to reconnect with old childhood friends seemed like a plan. My friends met my spontaneous outing enthusiastically and a good time was had by all out at the lake. But that night everything changed. I had gone home with one of my best friends growing up to crash for the night, however at 3:17 am I was jolted out of a deep sleep. The first thing I saw was the clock on the nightstand, but the first thing I felt was someone fondling me. I rolled out of the bed and spun around to see who was in the bed with me, only to find my friend.

I was completely disoriented. What just happened? I felt shocked, hurt, violated, confused, betrayed, misunderstood, alone, bewildered and angry. My first reaction was to yell and ask, “What the hell do you think you’re doing?” Then I grabbed my stuff and got out of there. I was too confused to go home and ended up driving to a parking lot at a church to get some sleep. Only I couldn’t. My mind was racing at 100 MPH. Had I done something to give the wrong impression? Was it my fault? What had just happened? What was he thinking? Who was this person that I thought I knew? My heart ached because it felt like I had just lost my best friend in the world. If I hadn’t set up the outing this would have never happened. Why didn’t I just stay at home? What should I say to him? I wanted to wake up to find it all a bad dream, but it was real. Should I pretend it never happened and just go on as if everything was normal? Part of me wanted to go back and apologize for my reaction and repair the relationship, but another part of me recoiled at the thought. It didn’t feel safe. He had violated me. I didn’t even know if he was sorry.

I wish I could say my racing thoughts were short lived and I just moved on, but that’s not the case. Sleep never came and it took days for the raging river of thoughts to slowly recede. I felt I was stuck on a hamster wheel going round and round and getting nowhere. The net result was hopelessness, confusion and isolation. I cared deeply for my friend and worried about what was happening with him. Even worse I wasn’t sure what to say or think. Would people believe me if I exposed what happened? Would they think I was blowing it out of proportion? For me the consequence of his actions was ISOLATION and HOPELESSNESS. I didn’t know who to talk to, what to do and I had lost my interest in life. I wasn’t even sure how to go back to college to pick up where I’d left off.

It was hopelessness that kept me paralyzed. If there was no hope then where was the motivation to move forward? Nothing would change and nothing would help. I was a prisoner to an emotion.

I talked with a woman this morning with a similar situation. Only her husband betrayed her with another person. She felt violated and alone. I wasn’t sure she’d even talk to me. Discovery had been three days earlier and she wasn’t even sure how to pick up her life to move forward. Her husband was doing everything he could to help, but that did little to help the confusion. For her it seemed like her husband had just thrown her down, broken her arm and then seeing the damage told her to give him the broken arm so he could set the bone. It’s understandable why it’s difficult for someone to place their broken limb into the hands of the person who harmed them to then let them play the role of healer. She shared my same dilemma from years ago. She couldn’t see any hope for things getting better. How could it help to take the risk of reengaging life or to explore if her mate would help her? She felt absolutely hopeless. In the beginning hope comes from sharing with others who have gone before and not only survived but thrived.

It’s understandable why we isolate ourselves after betrayal. Depending on the role that person plays in our life, our reality can be forever altered. If you can’t trust those closest to you, how can you trust those you barely know? Is it ever safe to reengage in life again?

To date, I’ve shared this story with less than then ten people. (I guess I just doubled that number a couple times.) It’s not that I’m ashamed, but I’ve never seen the reason and didn’t want people to see me as a victim. I’ve lived long enough to commit my own acts of betrayal and well know that I’m not innocent. I’ve also worried that others who have far worse situations would mistakenly believe I was comparing my pain to theirs.

However I’ve long since healed from that event and have only compassion for my friend, but healing wasn’t easy. For me it began by finally taking the risk of telling someone what happened. They connected me with others who had been in similar situations. But what brought hope was listening to their stories of betrayal and how they had not only survived, but had thrived. Instead of judging me or telling me what to do they just hurt with me and walked with me on my journey back to life. Listening to their stories and participating with them in life brought me life and hope. Even better, I felt normal for the first time in months. There’s nothing like feeling understood to take away that feeling of being the only one. It was incredible to be free from the shame and painful thoughts that had continually haunted me since that night.

If your world’s been turned upside down, there is hope; but it’s not just time that heals the wound, it’s how you spend that time. Finding others who understand and can walk with you on your journey back to life is imperative. You may think you’re the only one, but you’re not. In fact my faith teaches that the one master of all life was certainly not a stranger to betrayal. From that perspective even perfect people go through this, but what defines us isn’t the evil perpetrated against us, it’s our response to those actions. Will we find new lives of meaning and purpose or be forever a victim, feeling bitter, angry and cutoff?

If you have the courage to heal, then seek help. Talk to your pastor, find a therapist who knows how to treat infidelity, or take an online course that’s community based. Don’t isolate. Find others who have already traveled down this road. Community is a critical component in your personal healing, and for reconnecting with your mate and with your life. If you don’t know where to turn, each of the AR courses provides that safe supportive community for your healing journey. I only hope you have the courage to reach out and find freedom.