Disclosure: Rick's Story and Hope for Unfaithful Spouses

I’ve been praying for Governor Spitzer this week. How well I know the trauma of painful disclosures. For those of us who have recovered from this sort of crisis, Spitzer’s and other public discoveries remind us so vividly of what we’ve overcome and what we’ve learned.

My first emotion, when I saw the picture of the Spitzers at the press conference, was sadness. I could remember the humiliation both Stephanie and I felt at what we were facing in the beginning. Then I remembered that almost all true conversion experiences are preceded by a great humiliation. It was that moment of brokenness that began my journey to healing. For once in my life I no longer wanted to cause pain to those I loved and it was the pursuit of that goal that began to bring answers.

Next, as I watched the Spitzers’ drama unfold, I began to remember the shame. It’s difficult when you’re being judged by the world as a failure and hypocrite. I don’t know if that’s how Governor Spitzer or his wife feel, but that is certainly the way I felt. It’s devastating when you fail to live up to what you profess and represent.

Reflecting on my own journey, I’m reminded of how I learned that behavior doesn’t equal motive. When I married Stephanie, my heart was to be a faithful man. I wanted to be a good husband and father. I remember that even though I had failed to reach the mark, I am not alone in my failure. In fact, as I understand it, there has been only one man in history that ever achieved perfection and I will not be the second. Furthermore, I am reminded that with people it really makes very little difference whether you succeed in being perfect or not, because the only person in history who was perfect was also crucified.

This week, I’ve also been remembering all those who extended grace to Stephanie and me. In fact, I recall how it was at my point of greatest failure that I first began to experience unconditional love. Until that time, I had always believed that I was loved for what I did and who I was. When I failed and wounded those I loved, I experienced true love for the first time. It was as if my wife displayed the very love of God to one who was totally unworthy. I remember it was that love that saved me and changed me. I learned that I could never be loved unconditionally if I only conditionally let others know who I was.

I remember it was in that very moment that I began to discover what is real and important. The grace of God and the love of my wife set me free from a life of secrecy and allowed me, for the first time, to be truly known by another. I no longer had to pretend to be someone I’m not; rather I could be real and accepted.

It was a hard lesson, but I learned that acceptance was the answer to my problem not image management. It was as if God’s acceptance and Stephanie’s acceptance finally enabled me to accept myself. For the first time I was able to say: “Ok God, strange as it is, and even though I didn’t volunteer for this role, I really am weak and broken, and that’s okay with me.” When I was able to accept who I was and what I was, then I was able to begin to live in the solution, rather than continuing to live in the problem. Freedom at last.

Now, on the other side of my crisis I realize that I am nothing more than God’s billboard. It’s not a role that I would have chosen, but it’s alright by me, because I know that against the backdrop of my life, the grace and love of God are best revealed. If God had enough love and grace for me, then Governor Spitzer isn’t even a challenge.

My heart aches for the Spitzers as they begin to recover from this pain. For myself, I try to remember daily that God’s greatest miracle is not in preventing this type of tragedy, but it’s how He takes the worst thing that ever happened and makes it the best. I pray that the Eliot and Silda find the same peace in their time of need. Please remember to pray for their family.

March 2008