3 Commitments After Your Affair is Discovered

When you've been caught in an affair, there is an extremely powerful tension between what your instinct may tell you to do (hide, lie, minimize, rationalize, and self-preserve) and what integrity looks like.

Once discovery of an affair happens, almost every single wayward person will tell you that they never imagined the magnitude of the fallout or the sheer amount of pain their mate would feel. I know I did not. As much as I was caught up in my own selfishness and self-preservation, I was completely unaware of what choosing integrity would actually look like or how long the rebuilding process would take.

If you are a wayward spouse reading this, I'd like to redirect your north star towards choosing integrity, regardless of how far you might feel from integrity at this moment. It won't be the easy choice, and it won't be the loudest voice in your head. Integrity will be the softer voice that tells you to stop running and face the truth of what has happened.

And so what does it look like to choose integrity? Choosing integrity after an affair begins by first choosing to take responsibility.

Moving Away From Instinct and Toward Integrity

Your instincts will push you away from ownership of any kind out of self-preservation but it will be imperative to actively move away from instinct (which has stunk, by the way) and to move toward integrity (which has also been in short supply up until this moment).

It will not feel good.
It will not feel natural.
It will mean surrendering control over the information.
It will mean admission of fault.
It will mean letting go of how others perceive you.

But ownership is also the means by which you and your spouse can begin to move forward and heal. Your instincts will always try to protect you from the pain of ownership, but integrity can be rebuilt, beginning right now!

There are three commitments you can make today, in this moment, to take responsibility for what has happened:

1. A Commitment to Being Honest

Firstly, be honest with yourself. It was a lack of integrity that got you here. If you can't do that, you could start with being honest with God, or your idea of God. Take ownership of what has happened. You don't get to manage or edit your version of what happened nor can you change it to what you think your mate can handle. Committing to honesty is putting the first (of many) building blocks in place for emotional safety to be established again, which is critical for trust to be rebuilt down the road (potentially months or years from now). All of this can feel like a lot, but it begins with simply committing to be honest.

2. A Commitment to Being Direct

This can be difficult if you are a people pleaser, have fear of conflict, or are afraid of disappointing others. But do not sugarcoat. This is not a directness that harms but one that is clear. When we attempt to white wash the facts or soften the edges, it does more harm than good. Do not make promises you don't have the ability or resolve to keep.

3. A Commitment to Being Accountable

This is the most important. Your best thinking got you here and getting out of this will require outside perspectives. You will need support and encouragement. What you've done is not necessarily who you are but often we need to hear that from others for it to sink in. Recognize that your betrayed mate is hurting and will not be able to offer you much hope or encouragement. Accept the reality that this will not go away on its own and there are no easy or comfortable solutions. So seek help from those willing to offer it.

In these first weeks following discovery, your instincts might attempt to add a 4th or 5th item to this list but choose to actively move away from those voices and focus on just being honest, direct and accountable. No betrayed spouse reacts to discovery with patience, kindness, and support. It's not realistic to expect this. The best gift you can receive from your spouse right now is time. Never forget that if they grant the two of you time to figure this out—to heal—that is the best reaction you could receive right now.

One caveat: If your hurting partner is fixed on asking, "Why did you do it?" The answers you might give are probably not helpful right now because the why is usually a complex, multi-layered answer. If an affair has just been discovered, there is not enough perspective, healing, growth, or wisdom to know the answer to this question yet. If you try to answer it right now, you will risk sounding like you are blaming your mate or blaming the marriage. A healthy response can be, "You know what, I don't know, but I'm committed to the process of figuring it out."

Finally, never forget that underneath the bad choices and lying is someone who has incredible worth and value. Your instincts might tell you to avoid the pain of believing how difficult that might be, but take courage. You can choose a different direction today, regardless of how far off your desired path you might be right now.

I have a couple book recommendations on pain, redemption, and healing: The Kite Runner by Khaled Hoseeini¹ and Man's Search for Meaning by Victor Frankle.² These books will get you outside of your own head for a bit and provide hope and much-needed perspective on forgiveness.

If you need further help today, I really encourage you to consider our First Steps Bootcamp online. This is something you can do with or without your spouse's participation and might give you a framework for what comes next. Affair Recovery is the largest online community of groups, classes, and recovery articles. If you find yourself alone, you will find people to help you through the next steps. You don't have to do this alone.